Episode Quotes
Liz: I'm sorry, you're saying you want to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, uh, I know how this sounds.
Liz: No, come on, Jack. We're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell–
Pete: Wow, this is Diet Snapple?
Liz: I know. It tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?
Frank: You should try Plum-A-Granate. It's amazing.
Cerie: (faces the camera and holds up a Snapple) I only date guys who drink Snapple.
Liz: Look at the educational system in this country. We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile, our inner-city graduation rates are lower than they are in the Sudan.
Pete: That doesn't sound right.
Liz: Maybe it was Sweden. (thinks) Maybe it was teen pregnancy. I gotta read more.
(Liz assures Jenna that her job is not in jeopardy)
Jenna: Oh, I'm not worried because I have something the other actors don't. A secret weapon.
Liz: (sighs) Don't say your sexuality.
Jenna: My sexuality.
Liz: Oh, God, Jenna. When has that ever worked?
Jenna: Uh, when has it not worked?
(about Jenna's failed attempts at using her sexuality to get ahead)
Jenna: Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz: Yeah, so now you just have to make yourself ten years younger and Asian.
Tracy: (walking down the hall) I can't read! I sign my name with an "X"! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! Nader!
Jack: (about being in the skit) I think I can do it.
Liz: No, you should definitely do it. It will be hilarious.
Jack: Well, that'd be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn't it?
(Jack sits alone on the set of his sketch the night before its airing)
Jack: Lemon, I don't know how to do this.
Liz: I know.
Jack: (looks out the window) I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear.
Liz: Yeah, you're lookin' out a fake window right now, by the way.
Jack: I bow-hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.
Jack: Lemon, I need your help.
Liz: Really, Jack Donaghy needs my–
Jack: Don't gloat. It makes you seem man-ish.
Liz: Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack, so be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on earth, I would be turned on right now.
Tracy: "That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations." Bing Crosby said that.
Liz: No, Bill Cosby said that.
Tracy: That's racist.
(Liz hands Jack the script changes for his sketch)
Jack: Lemon, these pages are blank.
(Liz flips them over)
Jack: Oh. Never mind. Withdrawn!
Jack: Don't be cute, Lemon. You're too old for that.