Jack: (about his divorce) I mean, one minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde and the next, your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did, but I want that box.
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Jack: (about finalizing his divorce) It's gonna take all day and into the night to deal with that crazy woman. Fighting, conniving, clawing at each other.
Liz: Are you angry or excited right now? I can't tell.
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(Liz, in order to avoid Bianca, attempts to crawl unnoticed out of Jack's office but gets caught)
Liz: Heh... This would work on Ugly Betty.
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(Liz tells the writers they're going to be working all night)
Frank: Well, what about me? I just took a whole bunch of Cialis 'cause I had big Valentine's plans tonight.
Liz: With who?
Frank: What? Nobody.
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Cerie: (to Liz, about Cerie's fiancé) He keeps sending me all these flowers to apologize, but he's still insisting on having a Greek Orthodox wedding, but I really disagree with the church's stance on Cyprus.
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Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies that I gave you on your 40th birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca: (laughs) Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise that we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Oh, dammit, Johnny! You know I love my Big Beef 'n Cheddar!
|
(Pete realizes he has forgotten to send his wife a gift)
Pete: It's too late. I blew it.
Liz: Well, who cares, you know? It's just Valentine's Day.
Pete: It's also her birthday.
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Jenna: Vagina Day is a charity event founded by a group of celebrities who have, for whatever reason, never been asked to participate in The Vagina Monologues. Every February 14th, we improvise monologues about our lady parts for the homeless.
Liz: Oh, to benefit the homeless?
Jenna: No, just for them.
|
(Jack tries to convince Tracy to grab a drink with him)
Jack: Just one quick one. This is the best night of my life!
Tracy: All right, just one. I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by ten.
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Liz: (on the phone) Hi, uh, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can't tell who they're from. (pause) No, no, I did read the card but it's not signed. (pause) No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess. (pause) Well, that is just– Oh, oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually. They're from your mom. Yeah, so tell your gay mom I said thanks.
|
(Frank has accused Jenna of being completely fake)
Jenna: And does a phony bare her soul for the homeless? (puts her hands on her chest) Because that comes from in here. My vagina is a convenience store–clean and reliable, and closed on Christmas.
Frank: Fake. And weird.
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(Jack is out drinking at the bar)
Jack: (about Bianca) I wish I could touch her boobs again. She really had a fabulous pair of boobs.
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Angie: (to Tracy, about Jack and his hooker) You tell GE Light Bulb Man I want Sophie's Choice out of my suite!
|
(Cerie is frustrated with her fiancé)
Kenneth: Well, it's like Dr. Laura Schlessinger says. "Women should be more accommodating to their men for the health of the marriage.
Cerie: She sounds smart. Is she really a doctor?
Kenneth: No, I think she's kinda like Dr. Pepper.
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(Liz attempts to help up Jack's fallen prostitute, Vlem)
Jack: (to Liz) Leave her there. It's nicer than where I found her. Come on.
Vlem: (calling out to them) Happy Valentime's!
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Bianca: Johnny, promise me you won't sell the Arby's.
Jack: No, I won't. I'm gonna shut it down. Leave it vacant. Open the windows and let nature have at it.
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(Floyd comes to ask about the roses Liz received)
Liz: Those are from you?
Floyd: Yes. Uh, I work up in legal and–
Liz: You're a lawyer?
Floyd: I prefer "law stylist."
(they laugh)
Floyd: Uh, anyway, I meant to send these to my girlfriend, Liz Lemler, who works in accounting.
Liz: Oh...
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