Jack: (to Liz) God, I wish there was somebody I could negotiate with right now.
(Pete walks in the office)
Pete: Hey, Jack. Just a reminder–I need a couple of minutes to go over breakage today. How's noon?
Jack: Can't do that. Make it 4 a.m.
Pete: Oh, that's no good. What about after rehearsal, 10:00?
Jack: Stop insulting me. 3 a.m.
Pete: Midnight, you bring the coffee.
Jack: 2:30, you bring the coffee. That's my final.
(Liz objects to being present during Josh's contract negotiation)
Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
Jack: (about Josh) He's your opponent. He's going to try to grab all the marbles and it's our job to hide them.
Liz: That's not how you play marbles, Jack.
Jack: But that's how you keep them.
Tracy: (to Grizz and Dot Com) Yo, remember that e-mail we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?
Dot Com: Yeah.
Tracy: We did it! I got the check today!
Dot Com: You wanna go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?
Tracy: Nah, I don't even use the ones I have.
Tracy: I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
Liz: Hey, Jenna, have you read your interview yet?
Jenna: Oh, no. Did I come across as interesting, 'cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
Liz: No, you come across as crazy.
(Josh shows Liz a picture he took of the back of his throat)
Josh: Does my vulva look swollen?
Alan: I'm Josh Girard's agent.
Jack: Oh, really?
Alan: Listen, um, I'd love to grab a little face time with you, R-E Josh's contract offer. We've got some serious troubs, my friend. We are not smiles times.
Jack: I'm sorry to hear that, Alan.
Alan: What's your schedge mañana? 'Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.
(Kenneth and Tracy are playing Halo)
Kenneth: Well, I just killed you again.
Tracy: (angrily) You're cheating, and I don't wanna play no more. I hate this! Grizz, I think it's best you come sit on me.
Liz: Obama, you support Barack Obama. Remember you liked those pictures of him at the beach?
Jenna: Oh, right. Obama, what is he Hispanic?
Liz: No, he's black.
Jenna: And he's running for president? Good luck.
Jack: You know what's absurd? These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at Sea World.
Josh: (to Alan) What? We were just being silly.
Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.
Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?
(Tracy, Dot Com, and Grizz are playing a trivia game)
Dot Com: What is the world's only egg-laying mammal?
Tracy: The Easter bunny!
Dot Com: Right again!
(Jenna is on Hardball)
Tucker Carlson: (sarcastically) Let's have our policies determined by former CableACE Award nominees.
Jenna: First, I was great in that Arliss. Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008. (waits for a response) Oh, no comeback? Ya burnt!
Jack: Lemon, what happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good?
Tracy: I don't need a couple of yes men. I need the truth.
Kenneth: Well, if that's the case, then you should know that you're never gonna dunk this basketball. Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you European-kissed last night was actually a gentleman.
Liz: And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick and then comes to work to have a meeting?
Josh: I get an NBC discount here.
Liz: Idiot! (to The Daily Show producer, calmly) I'm a big fan of your show.
Tracy: Dammit, turn on the TV for me. (hands Kenneth multiple remotes)
Kenneth: Dot Com set this up. I don't know how it works.
Tracy: (yelling at the TV) Television on! Pornography!
Jack: Josh and his agent are on their way up.
Liz: Ha-ha, yeah. Then they're gonna be on their way down.
Jack: Um, you know, that was weak, but you're in the mix, you're having fun. I like that.
Liz: (to Josh) You made me look like an idiot. You have to pay!
Jack: Liz, he's not getting a raise.
Liz: (to Josh) Do the worm. Do the worm!
(Josh gets on the ground and does the worm)
Jack: Good Lord, the worm! That's so degrading. Are its origins German?
(Liz makes Josh list reasons she's better than him)
Josh: Uh, you read the paper.
Liz: Yeah, suck it. I do read the paper.
Alan: You want me to do anything?
Liz: Be a crab!
(Alan gets on the floor next to Josh and imitates a crab)
Liz: Fight the worm!
Jack: Liz, you took this like a natural, more than I ever–OK, now, the crab is getting aroused. Shut it down. Shut it down.
(Pete and Liz watch Jenna in a patriotic skit)
Pete: You know, you actually did a good job on this.
Liz: Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America. (winks and smiles at the camera)