(Jack shows Liz an online video of a baby panda sneezing)
Liz: That is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire 10% of your staff.
(Tracy is getting tested by the Church of Practicology)
Tracy: I believe the moon doesn't exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. I believe there are thirty-one letters in the white alphabet. Wh–What was the question again?
Tracy: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz: Mm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
Liz: And you are...?
Eddie: Eddie "Dona-hee," Jack's brother.
Liz: Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is Dona-gee, not Dona-hee.
Eddie: You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.
Liz: Tracy, this is Jack's brother, Eddie.
Jack: (to Liz) I haven't seen Eddie since I bailed him out of Disney jail.
(Tracy is at church with Kenneth)
Tracy: And y'all always meet on Wednesday nights?
Kenneth: Yeah, we lose half the congregation every time American Idol starts up.
Jenna: Hi, I got you coffee.
Jenna: Oh! I forgot your muffin–banana walnut, your favorite. (leaves)
Liz: Uh, that's not correct but OK.
Eddie: (to Jack) I got a real job now. I talk homeless people into joining the army.
Eddie: I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life–juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy. Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket!
Jack: Ah, that was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. I had sex with your prom date.
Eddie: I stole your identity.
Jack: I threw you out of a window.
Eddie: I convinced you you had lupus.
Jack: I microwaved your parakeet!
Eddie: I hated that bird!
Jack: We had some great times, didn't we?
(Liz sees Floyd and his girlfriend making out in the elevator)
Floyd: Hey, sorry about that. Not super appropriate in the workplace.
Liz: No, it's–it's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.
Jenna: Kabbalah is a wonderful religion that mixes the fun part of Judaism with magic.
Tracy: So where do you worship?
Jenna: Where don't you worship? My friend, Madonna–
(Eddie walks by)
Tracy: Hey, Jack's brother, what religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.
(Liz is giving Liz Lemler a performance review)
Liz: What would you say are your weaknesses?
Liz Lemler: Some people say I'm too nice.
Liz: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Liz Lemler: Well, hopefully, I'll still be working for GE. It's a great company for working moms.
Liz Lemler: You know, in five years. I mean, I'm in a relationship right now. By then I'll probably have a couple kids, be living in the suburbs–just having it all, really.
Liz: You're fired! (walks toward the door but pauses before leaving) I'm the decider!
Liz: Things were really lining up for old Liz Lemon, and this other Liz, this accountant girl, was just getting in the way of my...happiness.
Jack: Your happiness? Lemon, is this about a boy?
Jack: Good God in Heaven! Who is he? What's his name?
Liz: Flower Guy?
Jack: Lemon, you've gone chicken killer on me over a guy whose name you don't know? And you still think our next president should be a woman?
Liz: (to Jack, confused about her boy problems) I'm gonna go talk to some food about this.
Jack: (referring to his fists) I'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
Jack's Dad: You'll have to get through Tip O'Neill and Bobby Sands first!
Eddie: You call those fist names? Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!
Jack: Those are the stupidest fist names I've ever heard.
Jack: (to Liz, about his family) The whole thing was strangely reassuring, though–to know that they'll be there after I'm dead, fighting over my corpse before it's cryogenically frozen.
Liz: I hear your girlfriend got transferred. I'm sorry.
Floyd: Yeah, I guess it wasn't meant to be.
(Pete comes running to the elevator)
Pete: Liz! You forgot to give me the key to your place, and I need it. My wife knows about our little secret. I don't know how she found out. Oh, God. Should have just gotten a vasectomy!
Liz: (to Floyd) Let me explain...
Tracy: See, I could screw up now and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass. 'Cause there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic, whether things are good or bad or you're simply eating tacos in the park. There is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy: (worried) I don't think I want that. I'm out.
Jack: Somehow I feel oddly guilty about that. (makes the sign of the cross)
Tracy: I don't want nothin' crushing me.