Floyd: (approaching Liz as she eats a hot dog) Wow, hot dog times, huh?
Liz: I only eat them on special occasions.
Floyd: What's the special occasion?
Liz: I decided to eat one.
Jack: Hey, Devon, you'd better watch out. Kenneth might take your job one day.
Devon: Or your job, Jack.
(they all laugh)
Kenneth: (pointing at a janitor) Or his job!
(Kenneth laughs, but Jack and Devon just stare)
Jack: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to LA.
Liz: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a (in a husky undertone) "talking like this" contest.
Jack: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser? They were top notch.
Liz: Those weren't jokes. That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well, they got big laughs.
Roy: (to the writers) Let's get back to work, guys. How about a sketch about Bill Clinton eating hamburgers?
Frank: That stinks. What is this, 1992?
Roy: Eh, what do you want from me? I'm not a comedy writer.
Roy: (handing Tracy the paternity suit papers) Mr. Jordan, you've been served.
Devon: So, what team do you play for?
Kenneth: Oh, it's not really a team. It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics.
Jack: Good God. Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
Jack: You should get to know Devon. Tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page just like you.
Kenneth: Really? So did I!
Tracey: Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as I have the results.
Tracey: I already know the results. The kid is not mine.
Dr. Spaceman: Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Mm...different time, the '60s.
Liz: (about Floyd) But he was going to church in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. What do you think that means?
Pete: Means he probably murdered someone and found God while he was in jail.
Liz: Or maybe he's born again. Ooh, boy. We can spend our Saturdays in Central Park trying to save gay rollerbladers.
Kenneth: (to Devon) And I have an idea for a show about a teacher named Art. I call that one Art School. And one about a Jewish guy who opens an ice cream parlor. That one's called Ice Cream Cohen. And a drama about two cops, one named Cash and one named Carey. I don't have a title for that one.
Devon: You'll excuse me, I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Kenneth: Like in the movies!
(Devon emerges from the bathroom)
Kenneth: Oh, my. That's an awful short robe.
(Tracy is in his dressing room with Frank and Toofer)
Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I have the results of your DNA Test. Now, I'm very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality...so I'm gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.
Dr. Spaceman: According to my DNA database, you are a direct descendant of our third president.
Tracy: Jasper Buckleman?
Dr. Spaceman: (laughs) No, Tracy. Our third president, Thomas Jefferson.
Devon: I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind.
Devon: You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon...I don't do that.
Jack: Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.
(Jack wants Kenneth to distract Devon)
Kenneth: I'll do it. Just like Sydney Bristow on Alias, I'll use my sexuality as a weapon. To the wig shop!
(Tracy dreams he's on Maury; Jack is dressed as Thomas Jefferson)
Thomas Jefferson: (to Tracy) I rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which I invented–
(the audience boos Jefferson; he flips them off)
Liz: My friend Pete is staying with me and we've decided that we're gonna do this thing where every night we watch one of the AFI top 100 movies.
Floyd: How many you gone through?
Liz: Well, we only have Star Wars and Tootsie, so we just keep watching those two over and over.
Devon: (to Kenneth) You warlock... You came to entrance me!
(Jack and Devon pitch their ideas to three executives)
Devon: If Jack's not ready, I'd like to tell you about the future of entertainment. What am I talking about? Celebrity snuff, reality content–made exclusively for your mobile phone. Oh, what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Oh, thanks, phone!
(Liz, Floyd, and Pete watch Jack's television special)
Floyd: Wait, fireworks? In Midtown?
Liz: On a day that's not the Fourth of July...
Pete: Oh, my God!
Liz: Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.