Floyd: (approaching Liz as she eats a hot dog) Wow, hot dog times, huh?
Liz: I only eat them on special occasions.
Floyd: What's the special occasion?
Liz: I decided to eat one.
|
Jack: Hey, Devon, you'd better watch out. Kenneth might take your job one day.
Devon: Or your job, Jack.
(they all laugh)
Kenneth: (pointing at a janitor) Or his job!
(Kenneth laughs, but Jack and Devon just stare)
|
Jack: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to LA.
Liz: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a (in a husky undertone) "talking like this" contest.
|
Jack: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser? They were top notch.
Liz: Those weren't jokes. That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well, they got big laughs.
|
Roy: (to the writers) Let's get back to work, guys. How about a sketch about Bill Clinton eating hamburgers?
Frank: That stinks. What is this, 1992?
Roy: Eh, what do you want from me? I'm not a comedy writer.
Frank: Wha...?
Roy: (handing Tracy the paternity suit papers) Mr. Jordan, you've been served.
|
Devon: So, what team do you play for?
Kenneth: Oh, it's not really a team. It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics.
|
Jack: Good God. Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
|
Jack: You should get to know Devon. Tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page just like you.
Kenneth: Really? So did I!
|
Tracey: Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. I'll let you know as soon as I have the results.
Tracey: I already know the results. The kid is not mine.
Dr. Spaceman: Boy, it's crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Mm...different time, the '60s.
|
Liz: (about Floyd) But he was going to church in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. What do you think that means?
Pete: Means he probably murdered someone and found God while he was in jail.
Liz: Or maybe he's born again. Ooh, boy. We can spend our Saturdays in Central Park trying to save gay rollerbladers.
|
Kenneth: (to Devon) And I have an idea for a show about a teacher named Art. I call that one Art School. And one about a Jewish guy who opens an ice cream parlor. That one's called Ice Cream Cohen. And a drama about two cops, one named Cash and one named Carey. I don't have a title for that one.
|
Devon: You'll excuse me, I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Kenneth: Like in the movies!
|
(Devon emerges from the bathroom)
Kenneth: Oh, my. That's an awful short robe.
|
(Tracy is in his dressing room with Frank and Toofer)
Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I have the results of your DNA Test. Now, I'm very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality...so I'm gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.
|
Dr. Spaceman: According to my DNA database, you are a direct descendant of our third president.
Tracy: Jasper Buckleman?
Dr. Spaceman: (laughs) No, Tracy. Our third president, Thomas Jefferson.
|
Devon: I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind.
|
Devon: You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon...I don't do that.
|
Jack: Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.
|
(Jack wants Kenneth to distract Devon)
Kenneth: I'll do it. Just like Sydney Bristow on Alias, I'll use my sexuality as a weapon. To the wig shop!
|
(Tracy dreams he's on Maury; Jack is dressed as Thomas Jefferson)
Thomas Jefferson: (to Tracy) I rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which I invented–
(the audience boos Jefferson; he flips them off)
|
Liz: My friend Pete is staying with me and we've decided that we're gonna do this thing where every night we watch one of the AFI top 100 movies.
Floyd: How many you gone through?
Liz: Well, we only have Star Wars and Tootsie, so we just keep watching those two over and over.
|
Devon: (to Kenneth) You warlock... You came to entrance me!
|
(Jack and Devon pitch their ideas to three executives)
Devon: If Jack's not ready, I'd like to tell you about the future of entertainment. What am I talking about? Celebrity snuff, reality content–made exclusively for your mobile phone. Oh, what's that? MC Lyte just murdered Danny Bonaduce? Oh, thanks, phone!
Jack: Or...fireworks.
|
(Liz, Floyd, and Pete watch Jack's television special)
Floyd: Wait, fireworks? In Midtown?
Liz: On a day that's not the Fourth of July...
Pete: Oh, my God!
Liz: Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.
|
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