(Jack sits in Dr. Spaceman's examination room)
Dr. Spaceman: Cough.
(Jack coughs)
Dr. Spaceman: And cough.
(Jack coughs)
Dr. Spaceman: And cough.
(Jack coughs)
Dr. Spaceman: OK, now let's start the examination.
|
Jack: I feel great. My wedding's in a couple of days.
Dr. Spaceman: The 18th, right? Same as Bianca's?
Jack: I guess our friends will just have to choose between us. My mother's coming up from Florida...to attend Bianca's wedding, so it's perfect.
|
Dr. Spaceman: Have I given you my new book?
(he hands Jack a book titled You're Doing It Wrong)
Dr. Spaceman: It's about having a satisfying love life...for life.
Jack: Is that you in these pictures?
Dr. Spaceman: My techniques guarantee male orgasm.
|
(Tracy has disappeared to parts unknown)
Pete: Oh, I hope he's OK.
Liz: I hope he's taking his medication.
Kenneth: And I hope he took a jacket, 'cause it can get real chilly there.
(everyone looks at Kenneth)
|
Liz: (to Kenneth) You turtle-faced goon. I will cut you open like a tauntaun, you mouth-breathing Appalachian!
|
(Liz and Jack demand to know Tracy's whereabouts)
Kenneth: Fine. I will tell you...right now...that you are never gonna find him.
(Liz slaps him)
|
Tracy: Kenneth should have given you the code word.
Jesse: What?
Tracy: That's it!
|
Phoebe: I always thought it'd be lovely to get married in the spring, just as the petunias start to bloom.
Colleen: Sorry, Phoebe, what?
Phoebe: (louder) I always wanted to marry in the spring, just as the petunias bloom.
Colleen: Just when the what?
Phoebe: (to Jack) Oh, dear. Is she hard of hearing?
Colleen: No, no, no, no! I can hear you. I just wanted to make sure you could hear you.
|
Liz: (about Phoebe) And you know, the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a...white geisha.
Colleen: A white geisha?
Liz: Uh—
Colleen: Say no more, shark eyes.
|
Jack: (correcting his mother's pronunciation) And it's not Bi-ane-ca, like Sanka; it's Bi-ahn-ca, like Willy Wonka!
|
(Tracy calls Kenneth to come pick him up)
Kenneth: But what about the Black Crusaders?
Tracy: I don't care what they do to me anymore! I'd rather die famous than to live for a hundred years like this—carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth! This is unsuitable!
|
(Jack and Phoebe are lying in bed; Jack gets on top of her)
Phoebe: Careful, my bones. (he stares at her) Are you all right?
Jack: Well, with your condition, ordinarily, wouldn't you just...be on top?
Phoebe: I can't. I have vertigo.
|
Liz: (seeing herself on her webcam) Ugh, is that how far apart my eyes are? I look like Admiral Ackbar.
|
(Dr. Spaceman comes through the hospital doors, his doctor's coat covered in blood)
Dr. Spaceman: Ladies!
(Liz and Phoebe gasp at the sight of the blood)
Dr. Spaceman: What, this? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening...and the hostess' dog attacked me, so...I had to stab it.
|
Dr. Spaceman: (about Jack) I suspect he may have scurvy because he keeps asking for "lemon."
Liz: Ah, no. That's me.
|
Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! And she loves him...but not in a queer way!
|
Liz: How are you feeling?
Jack: They gave me something. My mouth tastes like purple.
|
Jack: And all the time I've been on this earth, I have only one regret—I should have worked more.
|
Jack: Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say "Sock it to me."
Liz: Great.
Jack: (pointing to his heart rate monitor) How's the DOW doing?
|
(Jack rips off his heart monitor in frustration, causing it to flat-line)
Dr. Spaceman: (running in frantically) They got pretzels downstairs!
|
Tracy: Hey, do you guys know what's causing the traffic problem?
EMT: Yeah, the president's in town, there's a transit strike, it's the Dominican Independence Day parade, a guy in suspenders is doing chalk paintings down on Canal Street.
|
(Kenneth has purposely injured himself to help Tracy beat the traffic by taking an ambulance)
Tracy: Oh, my God! What a terrible mistake accident! (to the driver, calmly) Would you take 6th Avenue, please?
Kenneth: If I die, will you take care of my birds?
Tracy: I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.
Ken: Oh. (longingly) Tweety...
|
Tracy: Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the page for NBC Medal of Excellence.
Liz: OK, that doesn't exist, but you can write a letter for his file.
Tracy: I got a lot on my plate!
|
Liz: So I'm your emergency contact, huh?
Jack: You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug.
|
UK (
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