Stan: Stop this nonsense, Steve.
Kevin: Dude, his name is "S" now. And S does what S wants.
Steve: And S wants to C.L.T.D.F.H.C.
Snot: "Cut loose the dead weight from his coattails."
Barry: There should be a "W" in there.
Steve: Get in the trunk, Barry.
Steve: Now do I get to meet that centerfold?
Stan: No, I just said that to motivate you so you'd carry me to the top.
Steve: Dad, I can't believe you lied to me.
Stan: Really? Huh. That's... that's kinda my whole bit.
Bill Publisherman: Well, then, what you need is to get Steve on Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade, the hottest children's book show in Langley Falls.
Stan: Great, put him on.
Bill Publisherman: I'd love to, but to get on, he needs to have the number one children's book in town. And to get that, he'll need a hook.
Stan: Right. We'll cut off one of his hands. People love the disfigured... and fear them.
Bill Publisherman: No, a hook, an angle, a gimmick. Hmm. Is the boy gay?
Stan: Why? Could that be a hook?
Bill Publisherman: Hook?
Stan: Ugh, Francine, when I look at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.
Francine: Mr. Beauregard, I would love for you to put expelled uterine matter in my hair.
Mr. Beauregard: Hmm. If I were you, I'd take your hair behind a shed and shoot it.
Stan: Steve, meet Patriot Pigeon.
Steve: You wrote a children's book?
Stan: No, Steve, I wrote 3,012 children's books, each chronicling the adventures of Patriot Pigeon, who battles America's enemies by dropping red, white, and blue turds of justice.
Stan: I look around me and I see it isn't so!
Stan: I mean, why'd you cheat?
Steve: I'm sorry. It's just, creative writing is hard. I can't do it.
Stan: "Can't"? We don't live in "Ameri-can't," Steve. We live in America. No, no, no, no, wait. We live in "Ameri-can." No, wait, that's not right, wait. We are "Ameri-can." Where was I going with this?
Steve: Um, I said, "Creative writing is hard."
Stan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Perseverance, Steve, it's all about perseverance. And if I Ameri-can't teach you about it, I have a friend who Ameri-will. Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.
Steve: Anyway, Dad, my English teacher, Mr. Durbin, is your biggest fan. Can I get your autograph for him?
Stan: Sure. "To Mr. Durbin, keep on rockin'. Yours in Christ."
Hayley: Dad, that's Steve's report card.
Steve: That's not me in the pool, that's Spike Baltar... wait you were trying to kill me? So this is all your fault!
Roger: Oh yeah, blame the alien the cops'll eat that up. Sorry pal you're going to jail where they're going to take your cherry.
In the lunch line.
After you're raped.
In the shower.
Steve stares at a plaque in his mansion, the plaque is of Han Solo, a character from the Star Wars movies.
The episode title is also the name of a hit Sci-Fi show/movie(s).
Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade
Cap'n Monty's Book Cavalcade show is similar to the show "Inside the Actor's Studio".
The publishers ringtone is the tune known as the theme for te Halloween movies.
Pool Full of Jello
The concept of a Pool Full of Jello is taken from the Disney Cannel Original Movie: "Don't Look Under the Bed".