Francine: Can't you do this downstairs?
Stan: No, I need you, you're my muse. Now shut up. I can't think with your babbling.
Stan: Mr. Bush, will you please put on your clothes?
President Bush: Never! I wanna be naked!
President Bush: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a press conference to stammer through.
Stan: (to Hayley) That means he has to poop.
Steve: What the hell are you doing?
Roger: Hmm? Oh, I'm harvesting one of your kidneys to sell on the black market, then I'm gonna buy Dollywood.
Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park. The rides give you the same experience as looking at her; fun from far away, but really scary up close.
President Bush: Wait a minute. Stan, you told her she was a lost cause?
Stan: Sir, she's been nothing but trouble. She stays out late, she lies, she drinks.
President Bush: Stan, those things don't make your daughter a lost cause. Look at me. When I was her age, I was blitzed off my ass 24/7. Doing Tequila shots, Jell-O shooters, Mind Erasers, Cement Mixers, Dr. Pepper Bombs, Mud Slides, Kamikazes, Jageritas, Lemon Drops, B-52s, Fuzzy Navels, Gorilla Farts, Scorpion Bowls, Singapore Slings, Prairie Fires, Bloody Marys, Slippery Nipples. Point is, no matter how much I messed up -- Flaming Everclears -- no matter how much I messed up, my daddy always believed in me. Heck, Stan, your daughter's not a lost cause. She's right on track to be President.
Stan: Francine, go get dinner ready. The President's hungry. You're going to love my wife's cooking, sir. And her desserts are to die for.
Francine: Actually, Stan, I didn't make a dessert tonight.
Stan: Is exactly what you would say if we were getting a divorce tomorrow.
Roger: Well, terrorist, you leave us no choice. We will now torture you in my backless chair.
Steve: That's a stool.
Roger: (Slaps Steve) It's a backless chair! Don't diminish my invention!
Roger: Oh, my God, Steve said you were here. Mr. President, I have something important to show you. I hope you brougt your checkbook.
(Stan hits Roger him with the door)
Stan: Uh, that's our maid.
President Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is burritos are delicious.
Stan: I can't believe it! This is a national disaster!
Hayley: Maybe we should call FEMA so they can rescue him in four or five days.
Stan: I am sick of your snide comments! President Bush is a good, honest man, and you're a liar!
Hayley: I told you, that rum wasn't mine!
Stan: Lies! It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-a-betic! You have lie-a-betes! Twice a day, you have to take a shot of Inso-lie-ne!
President Bush: Actually, Stan, I'll meet you downstairs. I've got some legislation I need to pass.
Stan: I don't understand.
President Bush: I, um, have a justice I need to push through.
Stan: For the Supreme Court? Is there a vacancy?
President Bush: I need to poop, Stan.
Stan: Oh. Oh, right. Okay, gotcha.
Stan: Quick! Give me some coffee! The President's off his ass, and we have to sober him up!
Francine: Oh my God! Here. Here's some breakfast blend.
Stan: The President falls off the wagon after 15 years of clean living, and you want to serve him breakfast blend?! Breakfast blend?! Yeah, that could work. Where are the filters?
Francine: Above the sink.
Stan: Above the sink? Above the sink?! Oh, yeah, here they are.
President Bush: (Walks in the bathroom) Oop, there's already a guy in here. Oh, no, that's just a mirror.
Stan: Coffee! I'll get you some coffee! How do you take it?
President Bush: Well, Stan, I like my coffee like my Secretaries of State: not too dark and a little sweet. (Chuckles)
Stan: You escaped the Pit of No Return? How did you get past my...
Hayley: They're all dead, Dad.
Stan: Even the younglings?
Hayley: I made you a wallet out of their hides. (Gives Stan the wallet)
Stan: No! Ooh! A little change pocket. That's nice. What did you make this out of?...No! My younglings!