Stan: Guys, guys, a baby's not like a fire.
You can't just rub two sticks together, and fwoom

Stan: I thought I saw every episode of Star Trek.
Wait is this Deep Space Nine? 'Cause I won't watch that. It's garbage & I'll tell you why. One...
Francine: Stan this isn't science fiction, this is real fiction.

Stan: I don't believe it. I let them be gay, and this is how they repay me?
Hayley: What's that supposed to mean?
Stan: If two men want to open up to each other and share a love more sweet and exquisite than anything a man and woman could ever find together, then that's their problem.
But when they try to bring a child into it I gotta put my foot down.

Stan: I've always said, you can't raise normal children in an abnormal environment.
Do you know what that would do to society?

Girls playing with trucks. Boys playing with dolls. Horses eating each other!

Yes, horses eating each other! Read the Bible!

Steve & Roger: We totally got you!

Klaus: Allow me to press upon you the severe mistake you have made.

For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns!

You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth!
So go now! Go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you cleaving you in twain!

And as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish!

Steve: He didn't think it was funny.

Francine: I found some of Steve and Hayley's baby clothes in the basement. I'm gonna bring 'em over to Greg and Terry's.
Stan: Good thinking Francine.
They can put them on their dog and forget about this whole baby thing. At the end of the day all they want to do is dress something up.

Francine: They're doing a wonderful thing and I want them to know I support them in this beautiful endeavor.
Stan: I couldn't agree with you more. Just replace support with condemn & beautiful endeavor with horrible abomination

Terry: Greg keeps shooting down all our surrogates. We're down to 2 candidates.
Greg: Wait, yellow teeth. She's a smoker. She's out.
Terry: Okay, so down to 1.
Greg: Oh no Terry look. This girl lists her favorite movie as Erin Brockovich
Is that the kind of message you want our baby to absorb in utero. Show your boobs to get clean drinking water?
Terry: You know what? I'm exhausted. You exhaust me.

Francine: Doctor says I have a big spongy cervix.
(laughs)
Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.

Francine: You guys have been so great making us dinner every night.
Stan: And how good do you feel sticking to the appropriate gay activities instead of the baby nonsense?
And look you got to wear an apron. That's almost a dress.

Greg: Do you know how many babies a year are born without an anus?
Terry: That's it, no more WebMD for you.

(Stan barges into Greg and Terry's house)
Stan: You impregnated my wife and now I'm going kick your tight little asses!

Stan: Honey, I'm sorry. Whether I like it of not, you're pregnant and I have to start thinking of the baby's well-being. So from now on, we're in this together.
Francine: Stan I'm using the bathroom.
Stan: Then I too will use the bathroom.
(Stan pees in the sink)
Francine: Oh Stan.

Steve: Okay it's my turn to stand watch. You can take your nap.
Roger: Pretty eager for me to go to sleep. So tell me, how's he been?
Steve: How's who been?
Roger: I know you're working with the fish!
Steve: Me? How do I know you're not working with him
Roger: I'll tell you how
(Steve and Roger wrestle Sumo style)
Steve: Look at us!
Roger: We've gone crazy. We can't live like this anymore.
Steve: We have to confront Klaus.
Roger: Yes, we must confront him.

Ugh, is this an accurate mirror? Look how long my arms are. Disgusting. Face saves it though. Face is glorious.

Steve I want you lean over and kiss my chest.
(Steve gets up to leave)
Roger: (whispers) Stay in the mirror

Stan: Something hard and black just fell off the baby's belly button and I thought it was beef jerky and... Am I gonna die or am I stronger than ever?

Steve: Okay you win. Just do it already.
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge.
Steve: The water slide, the practical joke.
Klaus: Oh yes, I had forgotten.
Roger: Eh, good, good. Good, us too.
Klaus: But now that you have reminded me, the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished. My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I shall not be denied my vengeance!
(Roger puts a stack of books on Klaus' bowl)
Roger: Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that nine months ago.

(A news photo shows Stan from the back with the baby tucked under one arm)
Stan: When will I learn, every time I let a man take a picture of me in a bathroom it goes bad.

Lily: Stan, this is my daughter Mary.
Mary: Oh a baby, I love babies. Jesus was a baby.
Stan: Yes he was, and he was also a murder victim.

Al: Hi honey. Ah I see you found him.
Stan: Sir I must tell you, you have a lovely family. You're a lucky man.
Al: Uh, actually, Al is short for Allison. I'm a woman.
Stan: Right, right. You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but his breasts weren't as luscious as your... Holy $!@# you're a woman!
Al: Yes. lily is my partner. We're a lesbian couple.
Stan: Oh my god! Does Al know?

Jason & Mary are tied up in the back seat of Stan's car but when they jump out of at the Nebraska state line the ropes are gone.

In this episode, Francine is able to conceive and have a baby without any problems, but in "The Vacation Goo," Stan tells Francine and Hayley that the goo used in the suspended animation tubes can rot out a woman's uterus (which worries Hayley). Unless the CIA was able to reverse the damage, Francine should not have been able to conceive or even have Liberty Belle.

Stan: “I thought I saw every episode of Star Trek? Wait is this Deep Space Nine? 'Cause I won't watch that, it's garbage and I'll tell you why... ”

Stan mentions the classic TV series “Star Trek” (1966-1969) & one of its spin-offs “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” (1993-1999) and despite the comment is considered by some fans to be the best of the 5 series.

Francine: “...that someone's married to Larry King, that the Harlem Gloebtrotters have never lost a game...”

Francine mentions Larry King who hosted “Larry King Live” from 1985 to 2010.
Larry has actually been married three times & to his current wife since 1997,
and the comedic basketball team “The Harlem Globetrotters” who play professional players for charity.

Greg: “Oh I'm a terrible father, I'm Bing Crosby!”

According to Gary Crosby's tell-all book, Bing Crosby (1903-1977) was a horrible father, spending years physically & mentally abusing his children.

Greg: “Oh you want some, rumble Terry”

Before fighting Stan, Terry plays the “Jets Song” by Jim Bryant from the soundtrack of the Broadway musical and 1961 film “West Side Story”.
In the hallway, Greg and Terry perform the dance that is featured in the film.

Visual: “Stan reading 'Everybody Poops'”

The book “Everybody Poops” is featured in this episode, which is the English translation of the original Japanese children's book “Minna Unchi” written by Fukuinkan Shoten in 1977.

Terry: “I feel like I'm Tim Allen”

Tim Allen was the star of the ABC sitcom “Home Improvement” (1991-1999) where he played Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, the host of a cable home improvement show.
Terry unsuccessfully attempts to do Tim's signature grunt.

Stan: “You remind me of the kid from Old Yeller. Come on. Let's go shoot your dog.”
Jason: “I don't have a dog.”
Stan: “We'll get you one and then we'll shoot it.”

Reference to the ending of the 1956 novel by Frank Gipson & 1957 Disney movie when after protecting the family from a wolf, the main character, the family dog Old Yeller contracts rabies and has to be put down.