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Better Off Ted: Heroes
Due to Phil's aftereffects from the cryogenic experiment, Veronica tries to get him to sign a waiver to protect Veridian from possible future litigation. Elsewhere, Phil and Lem try to create beef despite having no meat in the lab.
| 7.4/10 (17 Votes cast) |
Episode Info
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Episode number: 1x2 Production Number: 1APX01 Airdate: Wednesday March 25th, 2009 Alternate Airdates:
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UK (
Main Cast
Recap
After trying out some small talk with Ted, Veronica gets to the point: she wants him to develop a new food product to replace the defective Mac & Cheese that they created. Ted brings his team in and Phil and Lem propose cow-less laboratory-grown beef. Unfortunately, Phil is still screaming due to the botched cryogenic experiment. Veronica sprays him with a spray bottle to get him to stop. Linda comes, having been delayed trying to dry her hands and using a paper-towel dispenser that only feeds out one inch at a time...Read the full recap
Episode Quotes
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. We're the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes... the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chickens that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them, but we're not, because people can't eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.
Veronica: Ted.
Ted: Veronica.
Veronica: How are you?
Ted: I'm fine. Why?
Veronica: I was just seeing what small talk might look like.
Ted: Oh, well, usually, you...
Veronica: Please stop. I feel like I just pissed away my day.
Ted: Veronica.
Veronica: How are you?
Ted: I'm fine. Why?
Veronica: I was just seeing what small talk might look like.
Ted: Oh, well, usually, you...
Veronica: Please stop. I feel like I just pissed away my day.
Veronica: We have a problem. The Food Division just told me that the "Extra Fun Mac and Cheese" I'm supposed to be presenting to the shareholders causes blindness if eaten more than twice a week. Plus, no matter how long it's cooked, it never gets hot.
Ted: Maybe it's not Mac and Cheese.
Veronica: Oh, no, it has to be. They've already designed the box.
Ted: Maybe it's not Mac and Cheese.
Veronica: Oh, no, it has to be. They've already designed the box.
Ted: At least meat grown in a test tube doesn't feel pain. Please tell me it doesn't feel pain.
Lem: We don't think so.
Phil: Yeah, although interestingly, it does respond to music.
Lem: We don't think so.
Phil: Yeah, although interestingly, it does respond to music.
Linda: I wish you didn't have your stupid one-office-affair rule, and that you hadn't used your one office affair so stupidly.
Ted: And I wish you hadn't called me stupid twice in one sentence, but here we are.
Ted: And I wish you hadn't called me stupid twice in one sentence, but here we are.
Veronica: Legal is worried that Phil might think his annoying outbursts are connected to our allegedly freezing him.
Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover.
Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick.
Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.
Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover.
Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick.
Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.
Phil: I've never been in the executive dining room before. It's nice.
Veronica: Well, now you can have lunch here any time you want. (to herself) For the next month.
Veronica: Well, now you can have lunch here any time you want. (to herself) For the next month.
Phil: I am the Below Zero Hero. Julie in Employee Services asked for my autograph. That's right, Julie. With those breasts in front. It's a new Phil, Lem. You had better get used to it.
Jerome: It tastes familiar.
Ted: Beef?
Jerome: No.
Linda: Chicken? We'll take chicken.
Ted: What does it taste like?
Jerome: Despair.
Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?
Ted: Beef?
Jerome: No.
Linda: Chicken? We'll take chicken.
Ted: What does it taste like?
Jerome: Despair.
Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?
Ted: We may have created a monster in the lab.
Veronica: It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.
Ted: I was talking about Phil.
Veronica: I was also talking about Phil. (Ted stares) It's classified. It's going to be a fantastic new tool. If we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.
Ted: We have a Phil problem. And that means we have a meat problem.
Veronica: I can't have a Phil or a meat problem. Bad enough I have a cyborg problem. Stupid thing just kills whatever is in front of it.
Veronica: It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.
Ted: I was talking about Phil.
Veronica: I was also talking about Phil. (Ted stares) It's classified. It's going to be a fantastic new tool. If we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.
Ted: We have a Phil problem. And that means we have a meat problem.
Veronica: I can't have a Phil or a meat problem. Bad enough I have a cyborg problem. Stupid thing just kills whatever is in front of it.
Lem: Maybe the meat blob's not taking in enough nutrients. I guess I could try and give it a mouth.
Ted: I'm gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don't want to hear what it has to say.
Ted: I'm gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don't want to hear what it has to say.
Phil: You're right. How can I know so much about the bonds of chemicals yet so little about the bonds of friendship?
Ted: Guys! You're together. And you have 72 hours to make that thing taste like something a drunk teenager would tip over. (the guys stare) Cow. I'm talking about a cow.
Ted: I... I would love to help you with that, Linda, but I used up my office affair.
Linda: It's not like voting, Ted. You can punch more than one ballot.
Ted: I... I don't want to be a guy who votes around.
Linda: It's not like voting, Ted. You can punch more than one ballot.
Ted: I... I don't want to be a guy who votes around.
Other Episode Crew
| • Creator | Victor Fresco |
| • Executive Producer | Victor Fresco |
| • Co-Executive Producer | Michael Teverbaugh | Michael A. Ross | Michael Glouberman | Justin Adler | Dan O'Shannon |
| • Producer | Marc Solakian |
| • Consulting Producer | Michael Fresco |
| • Associate Producer | Lisa Iannone |
| • Editor | Robert Bramwell |
| • Casting | Laura Adler | Jill Anthony |
| • Unit Production Manager | Howard Griffith |
| • First Assistant Director | Eric Jewett |
| • Second Assistant Director | Jason Roberts (2) |
| • Music | Scott Clausen |
| • Costume Designer | Brandy Lusvardi |
| • Key Grip | Bruce Carothers |
| • Set Decorator | Diane Yates |
| • Transportation Coordinator | Mike Paventi |
| • Property Master | Bruce Mink |
| • Construction Coordinator | Greg Hamlin |
| • Production Sound Mixer | Jaya Jayaraja |
| • Script Supervisor | Gabi Endicott |
| • Production Coordinator | John Barney |
| • Assistant Editor | Brad Hawkinson |
| • Post Production Supervisor | John M. Myrick |
| • Supervising Sound Editor | Randy Thomas |
| • Re-Recording Mixer | Dean Okrand | Tamara Johnson |
| • Director of Photography | Sharone Meir |
| • Production Accountant | Suzie Shimizu |
| • Chief Lighting Technician | Elan Yaari |
| • Department Head Make-up | Cinzia Zanetti |
| • Music Consultant | Kevin Edelman |
| • Original Casting | Geraldine Leder | Sharon Klein |
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