Ted: Veronica, quick question.
Veronica: What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? "Where'd you learn to drive? Will you marry me? Why'd you say that to my baby?"

Veronica: Ted, you don't have to go through all this. Just say the word and the election's her's. We did for Iceland and we can do it for your kid.

Veronica: Ooh, flowers.
Ted: Look at you, having a girlie moment.
Veronica: Crap on a cracker!
Ted: And she's back.

Ted: My father and I hardly speak. We are like oil and... what's that thing that's always disappointing oil? Oh, yeah, it's me.

Ted: So, what's the latest on the wrinkle cream?
Phil: It's a disaster.
Lem: A debacle.
Phil: A disasticle.

Lem: But what about protocol?
Ted: Forget protocol. Did Einstein stop to fill out paperwork before discovering his Theory of Relativity?
Phil: Actually, he was a patent clerk, so all he did was fill out paperwork.

Veronica: So obviously that whale thing is a winner, or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.
Elijah Palmer: Unless it's really a loser, and I'm pretending it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.
Veronica: Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know it's a loser because you said it's a loser to make me think it's a winner.
Elijah Palmer: And so... the student becomes the master.
Veronica: Or the student has always been the master, and just wanted the master to think the master was the master when he was actually just the student.
Elijah Palmer: These conversations are why your mother left us.
Veronica: That, and the fact you porked my way through my sorority.

Lem: We are not mad scientists, Ted, regardless of what our bowling shirts might say.

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Veronica: What is this, Dutch blend? I hate Dutch blend. And the Dutch, too. Those people are lunatics, with their wooden shoes and their fatty sausage.
Linda: What about your father?
Veronica: I don't know how he feels about the Dutch. You'll have to ask him.

Linda: Veronica, you need to spend time with him, do father-daughter things that don't involve stealing secrets. Instead, steal his heart, fill it with love and then give it back. But not literally. That would be murder.

Ted: While Lem and Phil are looking for a more permanent solution, I'm just trying to keep my office from looking like a girl I used to date. It's a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair.

Linda: Uh, Mr. Palmer, I'm Linda. I-I'm, a friend of your dau... well, no really a friend of your daughter's. More of a colleague. No, I'm definitely not a colleague. We're not equals in any way. I guess if you forced me to define the relationship...
Elijah Palmer: Young lady, are you aware that I have only one year to live?