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Better Off Ted: Secrets and Lives

A new image search engine reveals Veronica's secret life, forcing her to choose between her role as a CEO and her stage career. Meanwhile, Linda tries to set Ted up with a friend while deciding whether to move in with her boyfriend.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 1x13
Production Number: 1APX12
Airdate: Tuesday August 11th, 2009
Special Airtime: 09:30 pm

Alternate Airdates:

UK (FOX) Sep 06, 2010

Guest Stars
Maz JobraniMaz Jobrani
As Dr. Bhamba
Mark DeklinMark Deklin
As Mordor

Co-Guest Stars
Bill ParksBill Parks
As Ernie
Allen C. LiuAllen C. Liu
As IT Guy
Stanley UllmanStanley Ullman
As Coffee Cart Guy
Main Cast
Jay HarringtonJay Harrington
As Ted Crisp
Portia de RossiPortia de Rossi
As Veronica Palmer
Andrea AndersAndrea Anders
As Linda Zwordling
Jonathan SlavinJonathan Slavin
As Phil Mymen
Malcolm BarrettMalcolm Barrett
As Lem Hewitt
Isabella AcresIsabella Acres
As Rose Crisp


Linda is eager to talk to Veronica about her moving in with her boyfriend. Veronica isn’t. At the staff meeting, Ted introduces the new visual-searching software they’re developing, that can find anyone’s image anywhere on the Internet. They use a corporate photo of Veronica but everyone is taken aback when they find her working as a magician’s assistant in Las Vegas...

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Episode Quotes
Linda: So my boyfriend wants us to move in together.
Veronica: Why would he wants us to move in together?
Linda: No, I mean he wants me to move in with him.
Veronica: Then where am I supposed to live?
Linda: You're sabotaging this conversation, aren't you?
Veronica: Just till we get to the meeting.

Veronica: Okay, fellas, nerd it up.
Ted: We've been developing a new search engine, and unlike language based search engines, this face-matching technology uses visual recognition...
Veronica: Less nerd, more English.
Phil: You take an image of a person...
Lem: Or "picture."
Phil: And scan it into a computer.
Lem: Or "magic box."
Linda: I'm not embarrassed to say, this is helping.

Lem: It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.

Veronica: Now I fly to Vegas every other weekend to perform. For those two days, I don't have to be in charge of anything. It's a total release. All I have to do is please the man I love, and twice nightly lock him in a watertight drum, which also pleases me.

Veronica: I can't function here if people know that twice a month I put on half an ounce of spandex and hide a dove in my... let's just say it's not comfortable for me or the dove.

Lem: The search engine found someone who looks exactly like you.
Phil: Oh, my god, this is amazing. It's like looking into some bizarre alternate universe where I can drive a bull and wear tall shows with throwing stars attached to them.
Lem: Those are boots with spurs.

Linda: So I'm setting you up with my friend Rebecca. She's beautiful and a veterinarian. so when you meet her, if you start trembling and pee on the floor, she'll be okay with it.
Ted: Well, it is my move.

Ted: So people are not loving the slapping.
Veronica: You think I like it? Touching all those strange faces--it's gross.
Ted: Plus, you could get fired. Plus, it's a weird-ass thing to do.
Veronica: Yes, Ted, I know. I shouldn't hit people on the staff. I've been hearing that since grade school.

Mordor: I'm sorry, I won't call Veronica. She sawed my heart in half, and it wasn't one of those plastic hearts that come in two pieces in the kit with a pair of fake legs. Damn it. I keep telling people how my tricks are done.

Phil: I'm thinking confidence may be one of those things people can't tell if you really have, or are just pretending to have, like the female orgasm.

Veronica: You have to be smart to be an assistant. You have to be totally in sync with your magician. Know when to pull the wire, slip him the key, ice his nipples.
Ted: Well, after meeting Kristi, looks like Mordor's gonna have to pick a lock with flaccid nipples.

Linda: Well, have fun, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (sotto voce to Rebecca) There's nothing I wouldn't do.
Rebecca: I know. I was your roommate.

Rose: I have an opinion about that.
Ted: Well, it's not up to you, honey. When you call the shots, we end up buying boats.
Rose: A boat. One time.
Ted: $140,000.
Rose: I think we're done here.

Phil: No, no, it was a good thing. He saw me as a threat. I'm a scientist, Lem. I've been a threat to humanity, the environment, even Jupiter once. But never to a hot girl's boyfriend.

Other Episode Crew

CreatorVictor Fresco
Executive ProducerVictor Fresco
Co-Executive ProducerDan O'Shannon  |  Justin Adler  |  Michael Glouberman  |  Michael A. Ross  |  Michael Teverbaugh
ProducerMarc Solakian
Consulting ProducerMichael Fresco
Associate ProducerLisa Iannone
Production DesignerDawn Snyder
EditorRobert Bramwell
CastingLaura Adler  |  Jill Anthony
Unit Production ManagerHoward Griffith
First Assistant DirectorEric Jewett
Second Assistant DirectorJason Roberts (2)
MusicScott Clausen
Costume DesignerBrandy Lusvardi
Key GripBruce Carothers
Set DecoratorDiane Yates
Transportation CoordinatorMike Paventi
Property MasterBruce Mink
Construction CoordinatorGreg Hamlin
Production Sound MixerJaya Jayaraja
Script SupervisorGabi Endicott
Production CoordinatorJohn Barney
Assistant EditorBrad Hawkinson
Post Production SupervisorJohn M. Myrick
Supervising Sound EditorRandy Thomas
Re-Recording MixerDean Okrand  |  Tamara Johnson
Director of PhotographySharone Meir
Story EditorAudra Sielaff  |  Becky Mann  |  Jordan Young  |  Elijah Aron
Production AccountantSuzie Shimizu
Chief Lighting TechnicianElan Yaari
Department Head HairLorna A. Reid
Department Head Make-upCinzia Zanetti
Music ConsultantKevin Edelman
Original CastingSharon Klein  |  Geraldine Leder
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