Phil: She seemed nice.
Lem: That was Nadine.
Phil: Oh, good. So you know each other.
Lem: Yeah, she's one of the company's lawyers. Sorry for not introducing you.
Phil: Your tongue was kind of busy. All up inside her month.
Lem: She's amazing. It's just that we both work such long hours, it's hard to find time to go out. So we usually meet in her office, where she has a door that closes and a closet where we can hang our clothes so we're crisp and fresh after we've soiled each other.
Phil: The only time I've ever been naked in this building is that time I was deloused. Remember, when those super lice got out and tried to colonize me?
Lem: Mmm. This is more fun than that.

Linda: Hey there, Bloopity-Bloo.
Ted: Bloopity-Bloo?
Linda: It's a nickname I came up with for you, right off the top of my head.
Ted: Hmm, so what made you get high before work this morning?

Linda: I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.
Ted: Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?

Ted: Honey, there's nobody at the company named Larry Pancake or anybody else named after food.
Rose: What about Taco Tony in the cafeteria?
Ted: Well, that was just a nickname, and we don't call him that anymore. When he moved to the salad bar, it just sounded racist.

Ted: We can have one conversation with Rose. Gently.
Veronica: Fine. Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw, and scoop out her sweet white meat of information. Gently.
Ted: I know you don't like to eat children, but it's that kind of talk and your cottage in the woods made of candy that keeps those rumors alive.

Linda: You guys are thinking about antlers and tails, aren't you?
Phil: Why do animals get all the best stuff attached to their bodies?
Lem: I would love to have a blowhole.

Rose: Pretty sure it was Paul Spielman.
Veronica: Oh, my God. Not Paul Spielman.
Ted: You have no idea who Paul Spielman is.
Veronica: Not even a little.
Ted: He's one of our department's best engineers.
Veronica: And they're just gonna throw him out on the street with no consideration for how weak that's going to make me look.
Ted: Paul might not like it either, you know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Veronica: Fine, I'm insensitive. I can live with that.

Lem: Veronica.
Veronica: Ugh! There are employees everywhere. It's like I'm walking through spiderwebs.

Veronica: Children... so adorable. In a way, they're like people.
Ted: Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.

Linda: It--it's just... what if I can't do this. Maybe I'm really not a writer. What if I end up just some product tester working for a soulless company with a half-finished lemur story in her drawer. What a cliche.

Veronica: Jeffrey Bouchard.
Ted: Another engineer. There's a picture of you two on your office wall.
Veronica: People always want to have their pictures taken with me, Ted. I'm like a sunset.

Veronica: How could he do this? And after I let him use me like a sunset.
Ted: Well, you better take his picture down. Maybe put it in your drawer next to the one of you and Saddam Hussein riding that tandem bike.
Veronica: Yeah. That was before he got weird.

Veronica: Oh, that's Jeffery Bouchard
Chet: I love it when they run.
(Jeffrey gets tasered)
Ted: Hmm. Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Veronica: Now I'm hungry.

Veronica: All I have to do is look at Phil and he tells me everything. Even things I don't want to know, like his time-saving system for washing his legs.

Veronica: God, I love Asia. There's no regulation on anything. Did you know companies there can just shoot a man in the street? I heard that at a conference about reasons to move your business to Asia.
Linda: I know. They make it crazy hard to kill anyone here. I want my country back.

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Our team. Over 100,000 strong. And we love all of them. Unless they cross us. Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them. Because that's love, too. Veridian Dynamics. Don't cross us. Ever. Seriously. Just don't.