Erica: Gosh, Ted, it's like you were poured into that suit.
Ted: And part of me is still hardening.
Veronica: Muss up his hair, it's the source of all his power.
Ted: Oh, no! Not the hair!
Veronica: Now smash him with the phone. Why will no one in this building ever smash anyone with a phone?
Ted: What do you need, Veronica?
Veronica: We have a problem. It's about sexual... (looks at Rose) It's about sexual H-A-R-assment.
Ted: Ummm, well, I appreciate you not letting my daughter here the "har" part of that. But why don't we discuss it later?
Rose: By the way, I'm eight. I know how to spell.
Veronica: Never show your hand, sweetie. Always let the enemy underestimate you. Then when their guard's down, smash them with a phone.
Veronica: We've having a problem with some of those people who live in the cubicles.
Ted: Look, they don't live in the... You know what? I'm not going to explain this to you again.
Ted: We are not sleazy. Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel, stuffing its nuts in... wait. We're more like a hard-working beaver... ah, I'm not going to land this metaphor.
Ted: That doesn't sound so sexual. It's just a hug that drifted... boobwardly.
Linda: Relax, Sheila. Don't fight it.
Ted: "Don't fight it?"
Linda: Hindsight is 20-20, Mr. "I never accidentally fondled anyone."
Ted: I don't think the words "don't fight it" have ever been used when someone isn't being sexually harassed.
Veronica: Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.
Ted: Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome.
Phil: Where'd they take him, you son of a bitch?!? I mean, my immediate superior.
Phil: I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles.
Veronica: Great news! You both have a disease.
Ted: You would be a terrible doctor.
Linda: I don't like other ladies' breasts. Some days I don't even like my own breasts. Although mostly they're awesome.
Linda: I don't want to lose this job. What am I supposed to do, go back to Wisconsin and work in the cheese mine? After I made that big speech, threw down my cheese shovel, and stormed out?
Phil: We can put him back together. I fixed my marriage with mechanical attachments, I can fix this.
Veronica: Choo, choo, choo, choo.
Ted: What are you doing?
Veronica: That's the sound of me deflecting the whiny bitching with my happiness shield.
Phil: This must be how Dr. Frankenstein felt. And that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife out of mannequin parts and chicken skin.
Lem: Yeah. It was awkward at the Christmas party when we had to pretend she didn't smell like chicken.
Ted: You're one of the best executives ever. You're better than Steve Jobs, Lee Iacocca, or...
Veronica: Field Marshal Rommel?
Veronica: He was a brilliant tactician who looked magnificent in jodhpurs.
Ted: Now I'm picturing you in jodhpurs.
Veronica: So am I, and I'll bet Rommel didn't wear a thong underneath his.
Keith: That isn't harassment. Harassment is supposed to be sexy. You're not even doing it right.
Phil: Boy, bringing things back from the dead never goes smoothly.
Veronica: Children, they have so many uses. They're like adorable Swiss Army knives.
Ted: Although they can't open wine worth a damn.