Ted: Hey. How'd your date go last night?
Linda: It depends. If a guy bites his cuticles and then swallows them, does that make him a cannibal? Because then I had an exciting date with a cannibal. And not a boring evening with a guy who has a disgusting habit.

Phil: I didn't know Ted had a brother.
Lem: I did. I did all that research when I dressed up as Ted for Halloween last year. Did you know his his great-grandfather was a cattle wrestler?
Phil: You mean rustler.
Lem: No, wrestler. He used to go from town to town fighting livestock for beer money.
Phil: I had an aunt who fought a cow for beer money once. The cow never forgave her. Oh, they're very unforgiving.

Lem: Well, we can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.

Veronica: A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.
Linda: So you're saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance?
Veronica: Yes, we would have liked that. We're going to raise more money for this charity than it ever has before. The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
Linda: There's really no middle ground with you, is there. Either you don't care at all, or you care 100-and crazy%.
Veronica: What else is there?

Ted: I convinced Lonnie, the odd guy who works in the oddly cold computer room, to keep the cadaver for a while. It might be a little creepy at first, but the cadaver will get used to him.

Mrs. Boudreaux: Some of the girls are a little nervous. They've never been in a big, corporate environment before.
Ted: Oh, don't be afraid. Just don't go to the fourth floor. That's where we keep the monster factory. I'm just kidding. But seriously, stay clear of the fourth floor.

Veronica: It's time for this fawn to strap on a machine gun, spread its wings and fly.
Linda: Okay, what exactly do you think a fawn is?

Ted: And by the way, do you know how many times I didn't get laid in college because girls don't like getting hissed at by a jealous possum?

Ted: Well, I just got told to screw myself by a 60-year-old woman. It brought me back to when I was 10 and asked Grandma why her house smelled funny.

Phil: Just so you know, this was our last hurrah. Lem and I are done being crazy. I mean, it starts out great--all pilots and square cheese--but ends with you having to cut your friend out of skintight leather pants.
Lem: I will not miss those.

Commercial: The Veridian Foundation... helping the world then telling people about it makes us feel so good. The Veridian Foundation... Helping people. By telling people we're helping the world.

Ted: So Billy gave up lab equipment. He's moving to Fresno with a woman who cuts the cheese at the airport lounge. We'll all be having fun with that.

Veronica: You're tougher than I thought, Linda. You're like a fire-breathing, razor-back fawn.
Linda: Oh, my God. This is a fawn.
Veronica: Oh. Huh. Then what was I thinking of? Oh, a monster. That was it. I always confuse those two.