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Better Off Ted: Swag the Dog

Phil and Lem embark on a quest to gain respect around the office, Veronica goes on a reluctant treasure hunt inside the Veridian building, and Ted has to confront rumors of staff favoritism.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 2x13
Production Number: 2APX10

Alternate Airdates:

Australia Aug 24, 2010
UK (FOX) Oct 26, 2010

Guest Stars
Merrin DungeyMerrin Dungey
As Sheila
Dakin MatthewsDakin Matthews
As Arthur Wells

Co-Guest Stars
Donald LiDonald Li
As Asian Man
Main Cast
Jay HarringtonJay Harrington
As Ted Crisp
Portia de RossiPortia de Rossi
As Veronica Palmer
Andrea AndersAndrea Anders
As Linda Zwordling
Jonathan SlavinJonathan Slavin
As Phil Mymen
Malcolm BarrettMalcolm Barrett
As Lem Hewitt


Veronica comes to Ted to inform him that upper management wants to increase employee productivity to impress the visiting board of directors. Upper management has decided to give out tickets for hard work, in return for worthless prizes, and Ted has been chosen to run the program for their department...

Read the full recap
Episode Quotes
Veronica: The board of directors has a meeting this week, and upper management wants to present a new idea on how to increase productivity. Something impressive, that will razzle-dazzle them.
Ted: Should I get to work on a musical number? (singing) "If... your... profits..."
Veronica: And... curtain.

Veronica: One of the executives takes his daughter to a game arcade, and when they win, they get tickets, which they trade in for prizes. Even though the prizes are worthless, the little girls work themselves into a psychotic frenzy trying to win them.
Ted: So, we're replacing our department with psychotic little girls?
Veronica: That was discussed. But instead we're going to reward hard work by giving people tickets.
Ted: For worthless prizes?
Veronica: You have an impressive handle on this.

Lem: What is it about us that invites ridicule?
Phil: I don't know. We invent meat stuff, we're delightful, and yet no one respects us. Not even that cafeteria lady who with that hideous tongue birthmark that looks like a smaller and more hideous tongue.

Linda: Have some pudding.
Ted: Umm. Better.
Linda: My mom always says there's nothing in the world pudding can't cure. Except for my dad's obesity, which it's made exponentially worse.

Chet: So with the board meeting this week, our former CEO, Arthur Wells, is in town.
Veronica: Arthur Wells? That man is a legend. Wasn't he behind Veridian acquiring ownership of the African country of Chad, and then renaming it after his nephew Chad?

Phil: They cost 200 tickets. Ted only gave us 20 for our presentation on mining planetary resources. Even though we talked for 10 minutes about mining Uranus without giggling.
Lem: (giggling) I know. You can't find hydrocarbons on a gas planet.

Veronica: Are you... petting me?
Ted: I'm moving your hair out of your eyes. It's something I do for everybody.
Veronica: My hair's in a bun. It can't get in my eyes. Unless you scalp me and throw the whole works back in my face.

Veronica: It's Arthur. There really were secret documents, but they turned out to be worthless, so now they're going to throw him off the board.
Ted: But I thought you hated him.
Veronica: I did. And then he grabbed me by the ankles and attacked me with a piece of wood, and everything changed. He's given his life to this place, Ted, just like I have. Man, I kicked him hard in the balls.

Veronica: Actually, before you move on Arthur, you should know that he found some documents. And If you vote him off the board, he'll expose the company's worse secret. That's right. I'm saying that.
Chet: Wait a minute, he found out about the... thing?
Veronica: Yes. He knows all about... the thing.
Chet: Oh, God. If he knows about the thing, he must also know about the other thing, which would ruin the thing we all live on.
Ted: Apparently so, sir. I think he even knows about... the stuff.
Chet: That's okay, everybody knows about the stuff. But the thing, that's going to be a problem.

Veronica: Well, when the company decides it's my time to go, I just hope somebody stands up for me.
Ted: Well, don't worry. By then, the stuff will probably have gotten all of us.
Veronica: Don't joke about the stuff, Ted. It can tell and it doesn't like it.
Ted: This place is scary.
Veronica: Really? I'm just getting comfortable with it.

Phil: So what do we think of Ted and Linda kissing?
Lem: I'm for it. I like it when attractive people kiss.
Phil: Me, too. I like it when attractive people do anything. I was once knocked off my roller skates by a beautiful woman driving a bus. It was very pleasant.

Cultural References
Veronica: And while we're searching for Curly's gold, we can look around for where you lost your mind.

City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold has the three slickers searching for the treasure of their former guide, Curly.

Arthur Wells: Have you forgotten the lessons of Mr. Magoo?

Beloved cartoon character Mr. Magoo is a near-sighted misanthrope who is always getting into trouble due to his blindness.

Other Episode Crew

CreatorVictor Fresco
Executive ProducerVictor Fresco
Co-Executive ProducerTim Doyle  |  Michael A. Ross  |  Kat Likkel  |  John Hoberg  |  Michael Teverbaugh
ProducerMarc Solakian
Associate ProducerLisa Iannone
Production DesignerDawn Snyder
EditorLance Luckey
CastingJill Anthony  |  Laura Adler
Unit Production ManagerJack Philbrick
First Assistant DirectorLeo Bauer
Second Assistant DirectorJason Roberts (2)
Staff WriterIngrid Escajeda
MusicScott Clausen  |  Christopher A. Lee
Costume DesignerBrandy Lusvardi
Key GripTom Keefer
Set DecoratorAndi Brittan
Transportation CoordinatorMike Paventi
Property MasterKevin Shaw (3)
Construction CoordinatorGreg Hamlin
Production Sound MixerJaya Jayaraja
Script SupervisorRebecca E. Asher
Production CoordinatorJohn Barney
Script CoordinatorEve Weston
Assistant EditorJoan Wrzala
Post Production SupervisorJohn M. Myrick
Supervising Sound EditorRandy Thomas
Re-Recording MixerTamara Johnson
Director of PhotographyBrian J. Reynolds
Story EditorBecky Mann  |  Elijah Aron  |  Audra Sielaff  |  Jordan Young
Costume SupervisorPatricia McLaughlin
Production AccountantSuzie Shimizu
Chief Lighting TechnicianDerrick Kolus
Department Head HairLorna A. Reid
Department Head Make-upDarla Albright
Music ConsultantKevin Edelman
Original CastingGeraldine Leder  |  Sharon Klein
Assistant To The Executive ProducerChris Luccy
Production StaffShel Gilbert  |  Robert Olmedo  |  Jessica Poter  |  Kate A. Ross  |  Jason Suhrke  |  Christopher Horan  |  Rob Hoffman  |  James Gordon  |  Rick Glassman  |  Patrick Dunn  |  Nickole Doro  |  Oscar Sosa
Writing AssistantDevin Mahoney
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