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Better Off Ted: Pilot
Ted Crisp works at Veridian Dynamics in the research and development department and loves his job. However, Ted is taken aback when he learns the company has cryogenically frozen one of the scientists in his department.
| 7.9/10 (21 Votes cast) |
Episode Info
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Episode number: 1x1 Production Number: 1APX79 Airdate: Wednesday March 18th, 2009 Alternate Airdates:
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UK (
Main Cast
Recap
Ted Crisp is the head of Research and Development at Veridian Dynamics, a company dedicated to developing technology for the future. His boss, Veronica, has high hopes for him thanks to Ted's reputation for getting things done. When she wants him to develop a weaponized pumpkin, he takes it to his team and they quickly come up with a way to infect soldiers with pumpkin mold...Read the full recap
Episode Quotes
Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Every day something we make, makes your life better. Power, we make that. Technology, we make that. Cows. Well, no, we don't make cows. Although we have made a sheep. And medicines. And airplane engines. And whatever this is. And all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day something we make, makes your life better. Usually. Veridian. Life. Better.
Veronica: We want to make a metal that is hard as steel but can bounce like rubber, and is edible.
Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie.
Ted: Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things.
Lem: What... that's not normal, Phil.
Phil: It becomes normal... if you keep doing it. Everything does.
Phil: It becomes normal... if you keep doing it. Everything does.
Ted: "Never give up." That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't, because that would be giving up.
Ted: You think it's possible?
Veronica: Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical that allows us to rapidly freeze animal tissue without it exploding. And--fingers crossed--we're ready for human testing.
Ted: Your presentation sucks.
Veronica: Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical that allows us to rapidly freeze animal tissue without it exploding. And--fingers crossed--we're ready for human testing.
Ted: Your presentation sucks.
Veronica: Your guys would do anything for you, Ted. They've got... what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty.
Linda: This is a great company, isn't it? Freezing their employees.
Ted: "Employee." They're only freezing one. For now.
Ted: "Employee." They're only freezing one. For now.
Rose: I like Phil.
Ted: Maybe you'll like him even more when he's frozen.
Rose: I like him the temperature he is. Phil came to my birthday. It's wrong to freeze someone who came to your daughter's birthday.
Ted: Maybe you'll like him even more when he's frozen.
Rose: I like him the temperature he is. Phil came to my birthday. It's wrong to freeze someone who came to your daughter's birthday.
Ted: Did you do your math homework?
Rose: Yes.
Ted: 6 x 8?
Rose: Yes, that was one of them.
Rose: Yes.
Ted: 6 x 8?
Rose: Yes, that was one of them.
Dr. Bamba: I've never seen a man explode from the inside. A rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey, and a reindeer. But that's all.
Veronica: So this thing with Phil--making that stupid face and yelling--they think it's distracting.
Ted: I guess in hindsight they shouldn't have vitrified his brains.
Veronica: Look, I'm not going to play the blame game with you.
Ted: I guess in hindsight they shouldn't have vitrified his brains.
Veronica: Look, I'm not going to play the blame game with you.
Veronica: I think you and I should have sex. If you want. Look at me. I'm so nervous I'm shaking like a leaf.
Ted: No, no you're not.
Veronica: No. Is that a problem? I try. It just doesn't come out. I guess that makes me... vulnerable.
Ted: No, y-you're not vulnerable.
Veronica: No.
Ted: No, no you're not.
Veronica: No. Is that a problem? I try. It just doesn't come out. I guess that makes me... vulnerable.
Ted: No, y-you're not vulnerable.
Veronica: No.
Ted: Listen, Veronica, about firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything.
Veronica: You're right. Wait until the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for Payroll.
Veronica: You're right. Wait until the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for Payroll.
Veronica: Did I surprise you? I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just a friendly person.
Linda: I didn't think you know my name.
Veronica: Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda... Katherine... Zword... ning--ling.
Linda: "Zwordling."
Veronica: Fine. You know your name better than I do. Yay.
Linda: I didn't think you know my name.
Veronica: Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda... Katherine... Zword... ning--ling.
Linda: "Zwordling."
Veronica: Fine. You know your name better than I do. Yay.
Other Episode Crew
| • Creator | Victor Fresco |
| • Executive Producer | Victor Fresco |
| • Producer | Skip Beaudine |
| • Co-Producer | Marc Solakian |
| • Associate Producer | Lisa Iannone |
| • Production Designer | Michael Hynes (1) |
| • Editor | Peter Beyt |
| • Casting | Geraldine Leder | Sharon Klein |
| • Unit Production Manager | Skip Beaudine |
| • First Assistant Director | Bruce Carter (2) |
| • Second Assistant Director | Larry D. Katz | Jason Roberts (2) |
| • Music | Scott Clausen |
| • Music Editor | Kyle Clausen |
| • Costume Designer | Brandy Lusvardi |
| • Key Grip | Eric Budlong |
| • Set Decorator | Diane Yates |
| • Property Master | David Baker (3) |
| • Production Sound Mixer | Jaya Jayaraja |
| • Script Supervisor | Sorel Kairé |
| • Production Coordinator | John Barney |
| • Assistant Editor | Nate Lotsfeldt |
| • Supervising Sound Editor | Randy Thomas |
| • Re-Recording Mixer | Dean Okrand | Tamara Johnson |
| • Director of Photography | Sharone Meir |
| • Production Accountant | Sherry Williams (1) |
| • Chief Lighting Technician | William Mayberry |
| • Department Head Hair | Roxane Griffin |
| • Department Head Make-up | Cinzia Zanetti |
| • Music Consultant | Kevin Edelman |
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