Joe: What about artificial insemination?
Lou: No good! Now, if we're gonna send flowers, we'll send real ones.

(After fight)
Penny: Donald, you were terrific. I can't believe the way you jumped in there and separated them and knocked them down.
Donald: This is nothing. You should see me at a white sale at Bloomingdale's.

The movie Kelly is watching and crying over in her apartment is The Geisha Boy, a 1958 film starring Jerry Lewis.

Joe: We'll just shmear over the empty place.

Shmear is Yiddish for "dollop".