Andy: Did you see my special skills? I betcha didn’t know I was a drum major, huh?
Nick: You just get cooler every second.

Nick: So let’s go through the basics, shall I? Do I live in a cave, no. I live in a sweet ass condo. Do I hunt and kill my own food? No. I shop in an organic grocery store and pay too much for heirloom tomatoes. Do I paint animals on walls? On occasion, when I’m drunk enough. Any more questions? Hannah Montana?
Mimi: Do you have a tail?
Nick: Yes, and it’s got a poisonous barb on it so don’t mess with me.

Leslie: You two look but exactly alike.
Andy: We get that a lot.
Leslie: I bet.
Andy: From you.

Leslie: I’ll pay you. Under the table, of course. Oops, I guess I shouldn’t say that to my accountant.
Andy: Probably not.

Nick: Here’s the crazy thing, I’m kinda digging this whole teaching thing.
Maurice: Of course you are, man, You’re surrounded by all those high school honeys all day
Joel: Okay, That’s a little creepy.
Maurice: What, I’m talking about the teachers, man. With their hair in those tight little buns, the cat glasses with little chains, and the black shoes that look like pilgrim shoes.
Joel: Did you go to school in the ‘50s?
Maurice: Oh, I wish.

Maurice: I feel the need, the need for speed! Where you at, Nicholas?
Nick: I’m still reeling from that ultra current reference.

Nick: Sweet Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, what is that?