Joel: Well, I’m a lot more things than a caveman.
Nick: Yeah, yeah, that’s true. You’re also a total wenus.
Nick: He’s anti-caveman.
Nick: Because he’s running against a caveman.
Joel: So if he was running against a woman, then he’d be…?
Joel: And if we were running against a bald guy, then he’d be…?
Nick: Anti-bald and pro-hair. Okay, what part of “running against” and “anti” do you not understand?
Joel: The part where you use them as synonyms.
Maurice: He looks at us and, and all he sees are lowlifes.
Joel: You are a lowlife.
Maurice: A lowlife with a walk-in humidor, sucka.
Maurice: I used to play so much Tetris I saw falling bricks when I closed my eyes.
Joel: That’s weird, man.
Maurice: Eh, I used it at intimate times to prolong the act.
Nick: So in other words you would sell out your heritage for a little bumpity bump with Artificial Blonde.
Kate: I’m a real blonde, actually.
Maurice: She really is… blonde.
Andy: They shouldn’t call this place San Diego. They should call it Scumball Town, home of the San Diego Scumballs.
Nick: If it was called Scumbag Town, then why would their team be called San Diego anything?
Andy: Because they’re scumbags, Nick.
Joel: So how do you know Representative Whitman?
Leslie: Oh, umm, we used to date.
Joel: Oh, before you were married?
Leslie: What are you getting at?
Andy: You carry a .45?
Thorne: Oh, I wish, but that is way too heavy for a purse gun. I carry a .22.
Andy: Do you have a gun I can borrow?
Thorne: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m down to my last two.
Jack Whitman: Crime is my number one issue, and the first thing you can do is this: you can refuse to be a victim.
Nick: Of course! I knew I should have said no when they called and asked me if I wanted to be a victim.
Red Goldreyer: The first step is purging our bodies of gluten. Only then is peace between nations possible.
Andy: Of course!
Red Goldreyer: What did you eat for breakfast?
Andy: Oh my god. We ate pancakes.
Red Goldreyer: You need to be irrigated, and quickly!
Andy: You’re tearing me apart. Okay. you, you tell me one thing, he tells me another, and then everybody changes again.
Nick: That’s from Rebel Without a Cause.
Andy: Yeah, but I really think it applies right now.
Andy: (comes back in) And another thing, all right? From now on, I’m gonna make up my own mind! I’m not some boccie ball in some little game of lawn… boccie ball. (leaves)
Joel: Shouldn’t have come back in.
Nick: It’s like Caddyshack II, just shouldn’t have done it.