Barber: You must get paid! Big TV star!
Dave: Nah, it's cable. I do alright but...
A.J.: (on 106 and Park episode on the TV in the barber shop) Shout out to Dave Chappelle! He just signed on for a new season of the Chappelle Show and raked in fifty-five million dollars.
(everyone looks at Dave, who looks horrified)
Dave: They lie on TV, don't they.
Barber: Alright, you all set.
Dave: How much I owe you?
Barber: Eleven-thousand dollars.
Dave: (laughs) The sign says eight bones.
Barber: That's the old price.
Dave: The old price? (barber shows gun) That's f*cked up!
DJ: Tupac rest in peace!
Tupac: Okay I will!
Dave: For 11,000 dollars shave my balls then, nigga!
2Pac: What can a nigga DO
When half the people voted for George W.
Cant be TRUE
Cuz he's a snitch
Im talkin bout George W. Smith
From city council
He ran in '93
Out in Oakland
You probably didnt hear about him
Tupac: You don't phase us
We make you bustas pay us
Run up in yo spot like CJ from San Andreas!
Dave: (to Shawna after convincing her to divorce her husband, promising that he'll marry her) This my wife and my kids! We ain't get no divorce -- we happy as hell! (laughs)
Shawna: Why'd you do that?
Dave: Why'd I do it? 'Cause I'm petty -- and lucky for me, my family's petty too! (laughs)
Dave's Wife: Nice shoes!
Dave: Ohhh! Look at that squirrel skin coat! Give that coat some peanuts! (laughs) Go back to your husband... ohhh! Come on, y'all! Let's get to the amusement park. I don't know about you, but I want some donuts! (laughs) Shawna, how many squirrels must die, for you to look fly? (laughs)
Dave: Hi, I'm Dave Chappelle. I'm here to talk about America's premiere casting agent. Of course, I'm talking about Jerry Jacobs. She sucks ass! In an interview, Jerry had the nerve to tell me that I didn't have, and I'm quoting her "it". Man, was that bitch wrong! (laughs).
Dave: When we get out of here, you're fired.
Body Guard: When we get out of here, you're in trouble.
Dave: You just gon' let him threaten me like that? How you gon' get twenty-five thousand dollars out of me, if I got the nigga from Green Mile sittin' on me in the middle of K-Street?
Tupac: I'm not alive!
Dave Chappelle, that ain't cha wife!
Tupac: The girl with mini-skirt got bad taste.
'Cause that shirt don't match
Plus it's a pudding stain on the back
What is that?
It might be DOO-DOO!
Charlie Murphy: Charlie Murphy is not mad at Dave Chappelle. I have to know if it wasn't for Dave Chappelle, you mutha f**kas would still be calling me Eddie Murphy's brother!
Dave: Jerri, I got some bad news for you-you're f**king done, son! It's over!