Teenager: How about a beer, Chief?
(looking at what is clearly a fake ID)
Sam: Ahhh, a military ID! First Sgt. Walter Kelly, born 1944. That makes you thirty-eight. You must've fought in Vietnam.
Teenager: Oh, yeah!!
Sam: What was it like?
Sam: Yeah, that's what they say: War is 'gross'... I'm sorry, soldier.
Teenager: This is the thanks we get...!
Diane: Sumner this is crazy!
Sumner: Diane, we're about to be married...
Teenager: (still trying to cage a drink somehow) Married! Congratulations! Why don't we celebrate with a drink?
Sumner: (looking at his obvious youth, if nothing else. Amused by his audacity) I think not.
Teenager: I give it six months!
Sumner: Perhaps we won't have children right away...
Diane: (having answered the phone in the bar) Someone named Vicki
Sam: (mouth full, mumbles) Mno, mno, mno, mno!!
Diane: No. She knows you're here. I told her you're here.
(Sam, mouth still full, uses his fingers to "walk away", indicating what to tell her)
Diane: Now, Look! (Sam shakes his head, 'please?')
Diane: (back to phone) I'm sorry, I was wrong, he had to step out.... (hearing the response) Where? Ah, well, ah, I think what happened is, he, ahhhh....
(Sam puts up a napkin like a bib and mimes getting his hair cut)
Diane: He had to go to mime class!
Diane: Yes, yes, I'll take a message.... You're welcome...(hands him the phone after the hang-up)
Diane: "You're a magnificent pagan beast."
Sam: Thanks. What's the message?
Sumner: I looked up from my Proust. She had her nose in her Yeats. I said to myself I would be crazy to let this girl get out of my life.
Diane: Now listen I didn't like doing that.
Sam: I'm sorry, if I didn't own this place I'd fire me on the spot. For lying for me, I'll buy you your first drink.
Diane: (softens, recalling why she and her fiance came in) Oh... I'd like a bottle of your best champaigne!
Sam: It wasn't that great a lie...
Sumner: I would appreciate it if you would keep an eye on her.
Sam: For you Sumner old man, I'll keep both my eyes on her.
Diane: Sumner, am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with?
Sumner: Oh, my darling, I'm leaving you alone in a bar. Which one of us is stupider, Sam?
Sam: Too close to call.
Diane: Um, listen, you don't have to make conversation with me. Nothing personal, but I'm not in the habit of talking with bartenders.
Sam: Ah, I understand. One's trying to move into my neighborhood.
Coach Ernie: (seeing Diane sitting at the bar and reading, all by her self) I hope no one told you the bus goes by here...
Sam: No, Coach, she's going to be sitting here for a while...
Diane: (tapping her glass rather rudely for attention) AAhhh. Excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention, but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?
Sam: What would you like me to tell them?
Diane: I don't care.
Sam: (to Ernie) She's a hooker!
(Having just come on-shift, stopping at the sight of Diane sitting there primly with her luggage ready for flying to Barbados to be married).
Carla: Woah!! I love to see a woman who isn't afraid to take her luggage out for a drink!
Sam: How you doing, Norm? What do you know?
Norm: Not enough.
Ernie: No, I mean it! He was the very best! As sure as the earth is round!
Sam: You don't believe that, Coach.
Ernie: No I never used to believe it, Sam, until I saw those pictures from the Space Shuttle...
Carla: How long is the wimp convention in town?
Diane: (about Sam) You were a drunk?
Coach: Are you kidding? He was a great drunk! Anything that kid did he was great.
Sam: I was not a great drunk. I was a good drunk.
Diane: Excuse me, where is your bathroom?
Coach: (cluelessly) Next to my bedroom.
Sam: (knowing what she means, points) Down the hall.
Coach: (answering the phone) Cheers!... (to crowd) Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
Sam: That's you Coach.
Carla: You know there's a group over there arguing about the sweatiest movie ever made?
Norm: The what?
Carla: What movie did people sweat the most in?
Norm: That's easy (shouting to the group) Rocky II!
Cliff: No, no, not even close. (shouting) Body Heat! Sweat city.
Patron: (shouting) Ben Hur! The boys in that galley sweat like pigs.
Norm: That's right. Alien. (shouting) Alien!
Diane: This is the night before my wedding and I'm in the middle of a sweat contest.
Diane: Oh, Sumner, I'm so glad to see you. (with obvious distaste) I've been sitting here listening to these men argue over the sweatiest movie ever made.
Sumner: Cool Hand Luke.
(several bar patrons shout and nod agreement)
Sumner: I can't fly to Barbados when I'm this confused.
Diane: Sumner, it's okay. The pilot knows the way.
(after he's come back concerned about his confusion regarding his feelings for his ex-wife, and is going back to her to get the heirloom wedding ring he was supposed to get the previous trip)
Diane: How about a kiss?
Sumner: Maybe, I'll play it by ear.
Ernie: I'm off, Sam. Home to my book.
Sam: Still working on that novel, huh, Coach?
Ernie: Yeah, going on six years, now. I've just got a feeling I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You're writing a novel?
Ernie: No, reading one.
Coach: You're in here every night, doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at?
Norm: Wonders.... doesn't care, but she wonders.
Sam: What are you qualified to do?