Brian: Everybody in this family gets away with everything but me!
Karen: Freddy and I have been so overwhelmed with wedding planning that we ... um ... we need you to go down the City Hall and get our marriage license. You know, do some of that lawyer magic.
Nick: You have to sign the license in person, Karen.
Karen: They haven't changed that law yet?
Nick: No, not yet.
Karen: Not even for regular customers?
Brian: Did you buy my son a thirty thousand dollar watch?
Juliet: It was fifteen percent off.
Brian: Are you out of your mind?
Brian: You're spoiling him rotten! Now all he does is walk around and mouth off and ask for expensive things. You turned a nice, fake, Swedish orphan into your own personal living doll. Now a watch? He can't even tell time!
Jeremy: I've always had this uncanny ability to just chill.
(to Jeremy about potential employers)
Nick: Darling Pharmaceuticals ... let's skip this one.
Karen: [Sebastian Fleet] activates my yoni.
(before crashing his car)
Jeremy: I'm a vehicular ninja.