Kazran Sardick: On every world wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact midpoint, everybody stops and turns and hugs. As if to say, "Well done! Well done, everyone! We're halfway out of the dark." Back on Earth, we call this Christmas, or the Winter Solstice. On this world, the first settlers called it the Crystal Feast. You know what I call it? I call it expecting something for nothing!
The Doctor: Ah. Yes. Blimey. Sorry. Christmas Eve on a rooftop, saw a chimney, my whole brain went, "What the hell?" Don't worry, fat fellow will be doing the rounds later. I'm just scoping out the general chimneyness. Nice size, good traction. Bit tick.
Eric: Fat fella?
The Doctor: Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or, as I've always known him, "Jeff."
Boy: There's no such person as Father Christmas.
The Doctor: Oh, yeah? (whips out a photo) Me and Father Christmas, Frank Sinatra's hunting lodge, 1952. See him at the back with the blonde? Albert Einstein, the three of us together. Rrrmm. Watch out. Okay? Keep the faith.
The Doctor: Ooh, now what's this then? I love this. A big flashy lighty thing. That's what brought me here. Big flashy lighty things have got me written all over them. Well, actually, give me time, and a crayon.
The Doctor: Who's she?
Kazran Sardick: Nobody important.
The Doctor: Nobody important? Blimey, that's amazing. Do you know, in 900 years of time and space, I've never met anyone who wasn't important before.
The Doctor: Tamed the sky. what does that mean?
Kazran Sardick: It means I'm Kazran Sardick. How can he possibly not know who I am?
The Doctor: Well, just easily bored, I suppose.
Kazran Sardick: Whoa, look at you, you're tough now.
The Doctor: There are four thousand and three people I won't allow to die tonight. Do you know where that puts you?
Kazran Sardick: Where?
The Doctor: Four thousand and four.
Kazran Sardick: Was that a sort of threaty thing?
The Doctor: Whatever happens tonight, remember... you brought it on yourself.
Amy: Have you got a plan yet?
The Doctor: Yes, I do.
Amy: Are you lying?
The Doctor: Yes, I am.
Amy: Don't treat me like an idiot.
Rory Williams: Is he lying?
Amy: No, no.
The Doctor: Okay, the good news. I've tracked the machine that accesses the cloud belt. I can use it to clear your flight corridor and you can land, easily.
Amy: Hey, hey, that's good news.
The Doctor: But I can't control the machine.
Amy: That's great.
The Doctor: But I met a man who can.
Amy: Ah, well, there you go?
The Doctor: And he hates me.
Amy: Were you being extra charming and clever?
The Doctor: Yeah, how did you know?
Amy: Lucky guess.
The Doctor: Oh, I won't bother calling your servants. They quit. Apparently they won the lottery at exactly the same time. Which is a bit lucky when you think about it.
Kazran Sardick: There isn't a lottery!
The Doctor: As I say, lucky.
Kazran Sardick: Who are you?
The Doctor: Tonight... I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Young Kazran: Who are you?
The Doctor: Hi! I'm the Doctor. I'm your new babysitter.
Young Kazran: Where's Mrs. Montebuoni?
The Doctor: Ahh, you'll never guess. Clever old Mrs. Montebuoni. She only went and won the lottery.
Kazran Sardick: There isn't any lottery!
Young Kazran: There isn't any lottery.
The Doctor: I know! What a woman!
Young Kazran: If you're my babysitter, why are you climbing in the window?
The Doctor: Because if I was climbing out the window, I'd be going in the wrong direction. Pay attention.
The Doctor: Cupboard! Big cupboard! I love a cupboard! Do you know, there's a thing called a face spider. It's just like a tiny baby's head with spider's legs. And it specifically evolved to scuttle up the backs of bedroom cupboards. Which... I probably shouldn't have mentioned.
Young Kazran: Are you really a babysitter?
The Doctor: I think you'll find I'm universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult. (flashes his psychic paper)
Young Kazran: It's just a lot of wavy lines.
The Doctor: Yeah, shorted out. Finally a lie too big. Okay, no, not really a babysitter. But it's Christmas Eve. you don't want a real one. You want me.
Young Kazran: Why? What's so special about you?
The Doctor: Have you ever seen Mary Poppins?
Young Kazran: No.
The Doctor: Good. Because that comparison would have been rubbish.
The Doctor: You want to see one fish? We can do that, we can see a fish.
Young Kazran: But aren't you going to tell me it's dangerous?
The Doctor: Dangerous? Come on, we're boys. And you know what boys say in the face of danger.
Young Kazran: What?
The Doctor: "Mummy!"
Adult Kazran: Abigail's crying.
The Doctor: Yes.
Adult Kazran: When girls are crying, are you supposed to talk to them?
The Doctor: I have absolutely no idea.
Adult Kazran: I've never kissed anyone before. What do I do?
The Doctor: Well, try and be all nervous and rubbishy and a bit shaky.
Adult Kazran: Why?
The Doctor: Because you're going to be like that anyway, you might as well make it part of the plan. Then it'll feel on purpose. Off you go, then.
Adult Kazran: Now? I kiss her now?
The Doctor: Kazran, trust me. it's this or go to a room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don't make my mistakes.
Captain: Sir, I understand you have a machine that controls this cloud layer. If you can release us from it, we still have time to make a landing. Nobody has to die.
Kazran Sardick: Everybody has to die.
Amy: Not tonight.
Kazran Sardick: Tonight's as good as any other night. How do you choose?
Rory Williams: Uh, got anymore honeymoon ideas?
The Doctor: Well, there's a moon that's made of actual honey. Well, not actual honey, and it's not actually a moon. And technically, it's alive and a bit carnivorous. But there are some lovely views.
Rory Williams: Yeah. Great. Thanks.
Amy: It'll be their last day together, won't it?
The Doctor: Everything's got to end sometime. Otherwise nothing would ever get started.