Zoe: I told you we should've made a left back there.
Jack: Don't make me use pepper spray.
Zoe: Are all cops this angry?
Jack: This isn't angry. I was angry at the truck stop when you told the waitress that I touched you funny.
Jack: We're way past angry.
Zoe: Would you remind me again why we're not on a plane, right now? Oh, that's right - the big, bad marshal's afraid to fly!
Jack: You don't wanna push me, right now.
Zoe: Look, I'm just saying that if we would've made a left back there...
Jack: Don't say anything.
Jack: We're not lost, we're just... taking the scenic route.
Zoe: Yeah, well, the scenes suck.
Jack: Whoa, where'd that guy come from? Hey, high beams, moron!
Zoe: We-we just passed our car with us inside!
Jack: And I thought I was sleep deprived.
Zoe: I'm totally serious.
Jack: So am I so just take a nap or something so I can concentrate.
Zoe: Listen... dog!
Jack: No, you listen, homegirl!
Zoe: (points to dog ahead of them) No, dog!
Zoe: (after crashing) You call this protective custody?!
Jack: Ohh, you're okay.
Zoe: Wait, where are you going?
Jack: To check the damage.
Zoe: And, what if you don't make it back? I'll be stuck in here like those guys in the plane who had to eat each other!
Jack: You're right.
Zoe: I know!
Jack: Here, here's some ketchup. Start at your feet, work your way up.
Zoe: (after Jack falls out of the car) Karma's a bitch, huh?!
Zoe: Look, it was an honest to God paranormal encounter!
Jack: You are an honest to God paranormal encounter.
Zoe: Ha-ha-ha, does that sense of humor come with the badge?
Oppenheimer Boy: It means they shed their leaves once a year.
Zoe: Thanks, Einstein, I knew that.
Oppenheimer Boy: I'm an Oppenheimer, the Einsteins live on 4th.
Jack: Well, thanks.
Zoe: What a freak!
(Jack stares at Zoe)
Zoe: Shut up!
Jack: Is that coffee?
Jo: Excuse me?
Jack: Well, I'm sorry, we-we've just been up all night and I could really use a fix.
Jo: Does this look like Starbucks?
Jo: Move and you'll spend the rest of your days sucking meals through a straw!
Jack: I'm a U.S. Marshal!
Jack: Search my coat pocket!
Jo: Hm, imagine that! Should've said something.
Jack: Before or after you stood on my neck?!
Sheriff Bill Cobb: That was Ned Carver, he claims aliens abducted some of his cattle again so...
Jo: Tell him to call me when they move on to anal probes. (the Sheriff and Zoe stare at Jo) Wait, um, that didn't come out right.
Zoe: Hey, G.I. Josefina? What's with all the firepower... hot date?
Jo: That's one.
Zoe: What? Like that's supposed to scare me or something?
Jo: That's two.
(Jo answers the phone)
Sheriff Bill Cobb: (to Zoe) She must like you, I've never seen her get as high as two before.
Jack: I don't want to step on any toes, sir, but I do have a lot of experience at this kind of thing.
Sheriff Bill Cobb: Trust me, you don't.
Jack: Well, actually, I'm investigating an active crime scene. Jack Carter, U.S. Marshal.
Allison: Allison Blake, Department of Defense.
Jack: Hm... I didn't see that coming.
Jack: Ohh, come on, Miss Blake, we're on the same team!
Allison: That's Agent Blake, Marshal. And we're not even in the same league, this is way out of your jurisdiction.
Jack: Actually, I'm a U.S. Marshal so technically the United States is my jurisdiction.
Allison: You didn't think that I was taking you to my place...
Allison: Because I'll tell you right now, this isn't Madison County and you're definitely not Clint Eastwood!
Jack: Well, yeah! He's twice my age.
Jack: You know Agent Blake, just because you dropped the subject doesn't mean that I have.
Allison: Marshal, whatever you think is going on with us... trust me, it's not.
Jack: I was talking about the RV.
Allison: I knew that!
Beverly: Will your wife be joining you?
Jack: My wife? Oh, um, not likely. Uhh, we're separated.
Beverly: Was it the sex?
Jack: Excuse me?!
Beverly: Well, it's a common problem in long term relationships. People get bored, they want to experiment sexually and they don't know how to express their needs.
Jack: Well, not that sharing my sex life with a total stranger doesn't sound like loads of fun, uhh, at the moment, my needs are a nap and a shower.
Beverly: (catching Jack flipping through The Joy Of Sex) Doing a little undercover work?
Zoe: Pretty impressive, Jo.
Jo: It's Deputy Lupo.
Zoe: Where'd you learn to do that, anyway?
Jo: U.S. Army, Special Forces.
Zoe: Well, that explains some things.
Jo: What things?
Zoe: Nothing. None of my business.
Jo: You got something to say, say it.
Zoe: Okay. It's just the whole tough girl image, I mean, it's fine and everything but some guys might find it intimidating. Oh, unless of course you're into chicks then that's fine, too.
Jo: Stop talking.
Jack: Seriously, you can't keep doing this. You can't keep running away from your mother.
Zoe: Why not? You did.
Jack: Zoe... you know, your mom and I, we tried. It's just, uhh, some people just don't work.
Zoe: Don't work? Dad, all you do is work!
Jack: Stellar job. Father of the year. (dog steps out onto the road) Mother... ugh! Find a crosswalk!
Jack: Taggart... not sure if you realize this but you just assaulted and kidnapped a Federal Marshal.
Taggart: Yeah, sorry about that. Just doing my job!
Taggart: It's not just a dog, Marshal. It's the devil himself!
Jack: Oh, yeah, he's stable.
Jo: Is there a problem, Marshal?
Jack: I don't know, you tell me, I mean, one minute I'm driving my delinquent daughter back to Los Angeles and the next I'm in the middle of the freakin' Twilight Zone!
Jack: (to Allison) So, um, back there when you say get rid of him, was that like, uhh, you know, buy him a bus ticket get rid of him, like, you know?
Jack: Where are you taking me? Area 51?
Allison: Please, they wish they had our security.
Allison: It started during World War II, when Einstein realized that our future was in the hands of scientists not soldiers.
Jack: Wait, Einstein? What, the Einstein?
Allison: He convinced President Truman to create a haven where the world's greatest thinkers could live and work. And since then, most of our major scientific breakthroughs have happened right here in Eureka.
Allison: Professor King is a Nobel laureate and noted astrophysicist.
Jack: Wow, um, well, I'm captain of my division softball team! (laughs) It sounded better in my head.
Warren: Oh, how generous. Well, you must find all of this a bit shocking?
Jack: Well, I'm from LA, nothing shocks me. Well, almost nothing.
Jack: It was a joke but I forgot the DoD doesn't have a sense of humor.
Allison: Or maybe you're just not funny.
Colonel Briggs: Are you telling me in this town full of super geeks, you can't find one person who can do a simple math problem?!
Henry: It's not that simple.
Colonel Briggs: Alright, this has gone on long enough.
Jack: He just needs more time.
Colonel Briggs: Yeah, like fifteen years and a college degree, he's just a kid for crying out loud!
Warren: Henry, do I need goggles?
Henry: (as he puts on his goggles) No.
Jo: The sheriff is out doing police business. Just like I should be doing instead of babysitting Felon Spice.