When Peter crashes the car on the way to their second honeymoon, he is determined to make it up to Lois. He ends up posing as Mel Gibson to use his private room at a new hotel, and once there they discover a secret upcoming movie: "The Passion of Christ 2". In order to save the world from viewing another Passion movie, Peter steals the film. Meanwhile, back at home, Stewie and Brian pose as parents. And Chris gets falsely accused for drinking at a school dance.
After Chris' teacher quits, Brian fills in as his new teacher. All is well at first, until he is moved down to the intermediate class where the troubled kids wear him down to his last nerve. Meanwhile, Chris crushes on his new, hot, teacher. And she tells him that in order to be with her, he has to kill her husband.
After Mort bowls a perfect game, and Quagmire earns a key to the city after saving a young lady, Peter begins to feel that he has not accomplished much in his life. To make amend for this, he decides to set the record for most nickels eaten. However, one to many nickels leaves him blind.
When Meg gets turned down by yet another guy, she begins to feel sorry for herself. In order to cheer her up, Lois takes her to the mall for a makeover. Meanwhile, Peter puts a band together consisting of him, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. They aren't very successful, until Meg with her shows up with her new look.
-- Don't Stop Believing
When Peter and Brian walk in on Loretta and Quagmire, they feel they owe it to Cleveland to tell him. When Cleveland confronts Loretta about it, she actually kicks him out! Although, Cleveland doesn't seem phased by any of this. But, with a little motivation from Peter, Cleveland becomes furious...and goes to kill Quagmire.
After Peter wins a game of Trivial Pursuit, he is convinced he is a genius. Brian tries to bring him down to earth by telling him to take the MacArthur Genius test. Not only does the test prove he's not a genius, but it turns out he is mentally challenged. He has a good time taking advantage of this, until he puts Lois in the hospital and the kids are taken from him.
Songs: Pat Benetar -- The Warrior
In order to get Cleveland "back on the prowl", the gang takes him to "the Bachelorette" screening auditions. Thanks to Peter, Cleveland doesn't get on the show, but Brian and Quagmire do. Although Brian is at first precautios about it being a T.V. show, he eventually falls for the girl (Brooke), and ends up in the final 2 with Quagmire. Things start to go wrong when the final 2 have to bring Brooke to dinner with their families. Meanwhile, Chris is controlled by an evil pimple.
When Peter over-runs his tab at Goldmans Pharmacy, he signs Meg over to Mort Goldman so his son Neil can finally have Meg. Meg of course rejects, but it turns out Neil has already gotten over Meg and found a new girlfriend. After a while Meg gets jealous and steals Neil "back". But after a while Meg realises she never really liked Neil, and now she must find a way out of the contract. Meanwhile, Stewie gets a new "hot" babysitter who he tries to impress. But things go wrong when her boyfriend shows up.
When Lois feels her life lacks excitement, she begins to steal in order to bring some of it back. However, she takes her kleptomania a little too far, and ends up in jail. Back at home, everything begins to fall apart, so the family decides to break Lois out of jail. They make the escape, and start a new life in "Asian Town". However, it is not too long before they are found.
When her old room brings back old memories, Lois begins to get fed up with the fact that her father never let her take chances. So she decides to relive her old dream of becoming a model. Success comes easy...especially with the over use of dieting pills. All of this brings a new look and attitude, neither of which are healthy. Peter realizes that he will need to team up with Mr. Pewedersmhidt to snap Lois out of it.
In order to impress his new, black, girlfriend, Brian suggests that the school board should rename James Woods High School in honor to Martin Luther King Jr.. In order to stop this, Peter flys out James Woods, and they end up becoming great friends. Brian, upset that Peter ruined his plans, refuses to talk to Peter. And Peter, upset that Brian cares more about his new girlfriend than him, refuses to talk to Brian.
Peter and the gang travel to a dangerous area in order to catch more fish, and a giant tsunami destroys their boat. The gang is stranded for months on an island, until a cruise ship eventually spots them. Back at home, things have changed. Lois has gotten remarried...to Brian.
When Chris has trouble getting adjusted to life as a high school freshman, he runs off and joins the Peace Corps, who sends him far away to and island filled with helpless natives. He quickly adjusts, and ends up getting married! Meanwhile, back at home, Peter gets demoted at his new job at the brewery after getting drunk on the job.
Songs: Alice Cooper -- No More Mister Nice Guy
After a controversial mishap occurs on TV, the FCC decides to step in and take charge by censoring ANYTHING remotely "unappropriate". This ticks Peter off to the highest extent, so he creates his own TV broadcasting station. When things get out of hand, Lois betrays Peter and calls the FCC who come and begin to censor real life! Soon the whole family is sick of them, now how do they get rid of them?
When Brian loses the job of his dreams because he never finished college, he decides to go back. Stewie tags along. As Brian struggles to pass his classes, Stewie enjoys the college lifestyle. Meanwhile, back at home, the gang takes winning the A-Team costume contest a little too far.
A physical confirms what Peter and Lois have been fearing all along: Peter is too fat. Instead of trying to get skinny, Peter creates the NAAFP, an advocacy group for the advancement of fat people. Meanwhile, after Lois finds an old picture, she discovers she has a long-lost brother, Patrick. It turns out that Patrick is in a nut house, but Lois gets him out. However, Patrick's hatred of fat people makes him a suspect when a bunch a fat men turn up dead.
After accidentally showing Tom Brady his stuff, Peter is offered to join the New England Patriots football team. Peter turns out to be an MVP of sorts, and everything is going well until his new founded fame goes to his head. Meanwhile, Stewie becomes a sports bookie, and when Brian does pay up, Stewie brings the pain.
Peter goes on a game show and wins a maid for a week. When the week is finally to an end, Peter decides to make the most of it by inviting the guys over to make the biggest mess ever! But when Quagmire lay's eye's on this beauty, he immediatly falls in love. After a few dates he even asks her to marry him, and she says yes. But at the wedding party he see's Lois and realize's he has made a terrible mistake. But when he tries to break things off, Joan threatens to kill herself. How will he get out of the marriage now? Meanwhile, Lois tries to ween Stewie, and he realizes he's addicted to breast milk.
After a pregnancy scare, Lois convinces Peter to get a vasectomy. Just in case they wanted to have more children, Peter goes to a sperm bank to preserve his sperm. But in a mishap, Peter breaks all the jars and fills them up with his own sperm. Thus, creating Stewie's half-brother and rival Bertram when a lesbian couple decide they want a baby. Meanwhile, Stewie takes his place as king of the playground but when Betram shows up he must defend his terf.
After Brian gets a $400 parking ticket, he realizes that Mayor West is a money scamming corrupt Mayor, and sets out to expose the truth. However, Meg, Mayor Wests new more than personal assistant, is dead set against it. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois decide to write songs to perform at Chris' talent show. They break out the marijuana for some "inspiration".
After reading an erotic novel, Peter begins to think he could write a half-decent one. Which he does. But in order to publish it, he'll need Lois' father, Carter, to put down some cash. Which he does. But when a man crashes his car while listening to "Peterotica- On Cassette" Carter is sued for every penny he has, and is forced to move in with the Griffin's. Now Peter must help his regain his former wealth. Meanwhile, Stewie trains for the Olympics. Which is not gay!
Songs: Del Amitri -- Roll To Me
When Brian's gay cousin Jasper announces he's engaged, Brian suggests they get married right in the Griffin's house. However, when Mayor West bans gay marriage in Quahog, Brian desperately tries to change his decision; turning to Lois for support, who is not sure about her feelings on gay marriage. Meanwhile, Chris joins an extremist "Young Republicans" group to impress a girl.
When Peter tries to build a multiplex in their backyard in order to top Joe's new home theater system, he discovers an ancient Indian burial ground. The family warns him not to mess with any of the grounds ancient remains, but Peter does not fall into the superstition and takes out the Indian chief's skull. The house soon shows signs of being haunted, and when Stewie gets sucked into the TV, they are sure of it. However, this is only the beginning of their problems.
After Stewie has a near death experience at the local swimming pool, he decides he needs to make changes in his life in order to become a better person. Meanwhile, after Tom Tucker overhears one of Peter's mindless rants, he asks him to make it a segment on the evening news. However, Tom Tucker soon regrets his decision after Peter begins to steal the spotlight.
After Stewie sees a man on TV in San Fransisco who looks identical to him, he is convinced this man is his father. In another adventure, Stewie, Brian, and Quagmire travel to San Fransisco to find the man, who may or may not be Stewie's real father. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois think that Meg and Chris need to spend more time on the dating scene, and give them dating tips hoping they will spend more time out of the house; so they can have more alone time.
Songs: Jerry Reed -- Eastbound & Down
Stewie and Brian find the man they saw on TV, who turns out to be not Stewie's father, but Stewie's future self, Stu. When Stewie sees what kind of life he will turn out with, he decides he must . However, the changes Stewie makes end up ruining Stu's life.
Songs: English Beat -- March of the Swivelheads