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Family Guy: Padre de Familia

Peter discovers that he was really born in Mexico and his mother has never filled out his U.S. citizenship papers, making him an illegal alien. This causes his firing from the brewery and his hiring as a worker at the Pewterschmidt estate.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 6x6
Production Number: 5ACX20
Airdate: Sunday November 18th, 2007

Alternate Airdates:

UK (itv2) Jun 01, 2008

Guest Stars
Phyllis DillerPhyllis Diller
voiced Thelma
Carrie FisherCarrie Fisher
voiced Angela
Carrie FisherCarrie Fisher
voiced Angela
Lori AlanLori Alan
voiced Diane Simmons
Lori AlanLori Alan
voiced Diane Simmons
Alex BreckenridgeAlex Breckenridge
voiced Various
Ralph GarmanRalph Garman
voiced Various
Ralph GarmanRalph Garman
voiced Various
Mark HentemannMark Hentemann
voiced Various
Mark HentemannMark Hentemann
voiced Various
Denis MartellDenis Martell
voiced Various
Denis MartellDenis Martell
voiced Various
Jack SamsonJack Samson
voiced Various
Jack SamsonJack Samson
voiced Various
Tara StrongTara Strong
voiced Various
Tara StrongTara Strong
voiced Various
Alec SulkinAlec Sulkin
voiced Various
Alec SulkinAlec Sulkin
voiced Various
John VienerJohn Viener
voiced Michael McDonald
John VienerJohn Viener
voiced Michael McDonald
Patrick WarburtonPatrick Warburton
voiced Joe Swanson
Jeff BergmanJeff Bergman
voiced Various
Alex FernandezAlex Fernandez
voiced Various
Alex FernandezAlex Fernandez
voiced Various
Brendyn BellBrendyn Bell
voiced Young Man
Brendyn BellBrendyn Bell
voiced Young Man
Main Cast
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
voiced Peter Griffin | Stewie Griffin | Brian Griffin | Various Characters
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
voiced Lois Griffin | Various Characters
Seth GreenSeth Green
voiced Chris Griffin | Various Characters
Mila KunisMila Kunis
voiced Meg Griffin
Mike Henry (1)Mike Henry (1)
voiced Cleveland Brown | Various Characters
Episode Notes
This episode is the first to air since MacFarlane joined the picket lines with the other WGA members

Also on the Cartoon Network [adult swim] airing, Rapid Dave says "Yeah, well up your ass cat!" instead of "Yeah, well up yours cat!"

ArtistSong TitlePlayed When
Eddie RabbittI Love A Rainy Night 

Episode Quotes
{Cut to USO Theater}
Peter: You're all doing such a great job, I wanted to play you a song I wrote about what America means to me.
(singing) When you say U S A,
I just say Hooray,
and if you're not from here
God's gonna hunt you down
and give you AIDS U S A

{Cut to Drunken Clam}
Joe: Wow Peter you're really becoming quite the patriot.
Peter: You bet I am I just had my penis tattooed to look like the space shuttle and my nads tattooed to look like launch exhaust
Quagmire (to himself): That bastard, that was my idea, he stole it. I was going to that to my penis. Well maybe I can do something else... like... like the Space Needle, or a banana, or a Sharpie... aww I'm bored with myself. Guess I'll listen to some music
(Glen listens to 'I Love A Rainy Night' in his head)
Portuguese employee #1 (subtitled): Have you cleaned the bathrooms yet?
Portuguese employee #2 (subtitled): I thought it was your turn to clean them.
Portuguese employee #1 (subtitled): Maybe we should just go back to Portugal.
Portuguese employee #2 (subtitled): What, with that angry sorcerer on our tail? Are you crazy?
Peter: Man that really makes me mad, illegal immigrants coming into this country taking all the good jobs away from Americans. Well I'm going to make sure people like that stay out of Quahog from now on.
We are going to patrol the borders and keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno.
Jewish Man: I own 4 apartment buildings
Jewish Woman: Mmmmm
Jewish Man: I have central air
Jewish Woman: Ooohhhh
Jewish Man: and a well funded 401 K
Jewish Woman: Aaahhh we are going to have sex at some point.
Peter: Alright guys it's going to be a long night of border patrol so I brought along Michael McDonald to help us out.
Cleveland: How's he going to help us?
Peter: He's going to do backup vocals for everything we say.
Cleveland: How is he going to know what we're saying?
Michael (singing): How is he going to know what we're saying?
Glen: Is he going to do it for all of us?
Michael (singing): Is he going to do it for all of us?
Peter: Yeah I hired him for the night, costs like 2.50 an hour so don't skimp on the conversation.
Michael (singing): Yeah I hired him for the night, costs like 2.50 an hour so don't skimp on the conversation.
Cleveland: That sounds nice.

{Cut to Griffin House}
Brian: Peter why did you have my accupuncturist arrested?
Peter: Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security.
Brian: He was an 85 year old Korean Buddist.
Peter: Or was he supreme leader of Al-Quida? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Brian: Peter America was founded by immigrants, everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They are a vital part of our society.
Peter: They are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor, take 'em away!
Lois: Peter have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzalez video? He won't go to sleep without it.
Peter: I threw it away.
Stewie: WHAT, what the hell man? I don't throw away your stuff, and where's my goat?
Lois: Peter, Why would you do that?
Peter: Because Speedy Gonzalez is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children, so I created his American equivalent. Rapid Dave.
(Peter puts in Rapid Dave video)
Sylvester The Cat: I got you now mouse!
Rapid Dave: Yeah, well up yours cat! Quickly! Quickly! Quickly! Run Fast! Run Fast! Quickly!

{Cut to Pawtucket Brewery}
Guy: Hey Fwad, can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Fwad: HoHoHo Yes, it's funny cause it's free... anyone can have.
Guy: That's right...
Fwad: OhhhHoHoHo
Guy: That's the joke.
Peter: Why you son of a bitch.
Angela I have a complaint
Angela: What is it Griffin?
Peter: I think Fwad is an illegal immigrant. I cannot stand by while he steals wages and opportunities from citizens. I mean this is an American company, you don't see Nike or Microsoft or General Motors or Ford or Boeing or Coca Cola or Kellogs profiting from non American labor.
Fwad: OhhhHoHoHo... it's funny because they all do.
Angela: You have a point Griffin, maybe we should run a company wide check to make sure all our personnel are legal citizens.
Peter: Now you're talking Angela. This country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig needs new house.
(Big Bad Wolf blows on house of straw)
Peter the Pig: Uh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Big Bad Wolf: What?
Peter the Pig: I said I wouldn't do that.
(Big Bad Wolf blows)
Peter the Pig: I said knock it off!
Big Bad Wolf: Why?
Peter the Pig: Because I just made stool in there and if you blow it down the whole woods is gonna stink. You understand. You understand me sir?

{Cut to Thelma's house}
Thelma: Peter, what brings you here?
Peter: Hi mom, hey there's a new policy at work where everyone has to prove their an American and I need my birth certificate.
Thelma: Ooohh, Oh dear. Peter, sit down.
I don't know how to tell you this but you weren't born in America. You were born in Mexico.
Peter: WHAT!
Thelma: When I found out that your REAL father was a drunken Irish man I went to Mexico to terminate my pregnancy. But God had other plans and you were born right there.
You were so beautiful and I loved you, but when I got back home I was so afraid of being judged by the community that I never filled out the paperwork to make you a citizen.
Peter: Mom, what are you saying?
Thelma: Peter as for as the U.S. government is concerned, you are an illegal Mexican immigrant.
Peter: Holy Crap!

Peter: HeeHeeHee Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get out of this one, stick around (singing) cause we got Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe and Mort and all your cartoon pals.

{Cut to Griffin House}
Lois: Peter How come you're not at work?
Peter: I got fired for being an illegal immigrant.
Lois: Oh dear, you know Peter you can always take a citizenship test. I mean if Wilmer Valderama passed it can't be that difficult.
Peter: Well by that logic Lois it can't be that difficult to nail Lindsey Lohan.
Lois: I don't think it is.
Peter: Oh... well good news there. Alright you wanna head down to the INS?

{Cut to INS office}
Peter: Ok give me the good news, did I pass?
INS: I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you senor Griffin. So far you've failed everything including the behaving like an American at the airport test.
Peter (at the airport on a cell phone): Naa it wasn't bad, yeah I'm on my way to the next plane now. Yeah I got a middle seat so I'm gonna see if I can switch... ooo a sabarro, I'm gonna get a big fat piece of pizza so I got something to stuff in my face while I'm reading USA Today.
INS: The only thing remaining is the oral test which I will administer here.
Now, Question number 1... Who discovered America?
Peter: Dick York?
Peter: Dick Sergeant, it was Dick Sergeant.
INS: Ugh... Question number 2. Complete this sentence... The land of the free and the home of the blank.
Peter: Home of the Whopper?
INS: You gotta be kidding me, Mr Griffin if you were true an American you would know our national anthem.
Lois: Now wait a minute he is too an American, we've been married for almost 20 years.
INS: Well we hear that one a lot around here. Course there's a very easy way of detecting fraud.
Mr. Griffin what is your wife's birthday?
Peter: Uh... gimme gimme 'nothe r one gimme 'another one.
INS: Where is your wife's hometown?
Peter: Uh... one one one more, one more
INS: What is your wife's favorite outdoor activity?
Peter: Uh... Things an overcoat would say?
INS: Uh... I'm covered with water.
Peter: Things, Things an umbrella would say.
INS: I uh... you waer me.
Peter: Uh, Uh... things a festive bowtie would say.
INS: uhuhuh you wear me to keep you dry.
Peter: Things Speedstick would say.
INS: I keep your head dry.
Peter: I said umbrella
INS: It's not umbrella
Dick Clark: Peter, what if I said I keep your head dry, you wear me in the bathroom.
Peter: Shower Cap
Dick Clark: There you go.
Peter: Awww man
Dick Clark: Did you have fun?
Peter: I had fun yeah
Dick Clark: Alright we'll be back after this.

{Cut to Griffin House}
Lois: Peter, what are you going to do about a job? We can't just keep eating into our savings.
Peter: I'll just have to find a job for an illegal immigrant.
Meg: I can't believe this is happening to our family.
Peter: It's taken us all by surprise Meg, like that realistic original ending to 'Dirty Dancing'
Johnny Castle: Nobody puts baby in a corner.
Mr. Houseman: I do, cause I'm her father and she's 16. What are you like 38?
Johnny Castle: 41
(Johnny gets arrested, thrown in jail and 'Hungry Eyes' plays while his cell mate seduces him)

Peter (reading want ads): Hotel maid wanted.
Ahh sweet I can do that.
{cut to motel}
Peter: Housekeeping?
Man (from inside room): Come back later please.
Peter: Housekeeping?
Man (from inside room): Not now.
Peter: Housekeeping.
Man (from inside room): Go away
Peter: I come in anyway?
Man (from inside room): No. Go away!
Peter: I come in anyway. (enters room)
Woman: Oh my god!
Man: I said no
Peter: Ok I clean?
Man: No get outta here!
Peter: I clean now?
Man: No!
Peter: I stay and watch?
Man: No!
Peter: I get involved?
Man: What?
Peter: I get involved with lady?
Man: Wha... What do you think?
Woman: Turn around.
I don't think so.
Peter: Ok you lend me money?
Man: No
Peter: You drive my grandmother to doctor's appointment?
Man: No No I'm not doing that.
Peter: I stick finger in your mouth?
Man: Ok
Peter: Ok

{cut back to Griffin house}
Peter (reading want ads): Nanny wanted. Well that sounds like a good job for an immigrant.
Jane: Michael did you hear the good news, we're getting a new nanny.
Michael: Oh Jane, I'm ever so excited, do you suppose she'll be everything we dreamed?
Jane: Oh I do hope so, I always imagined the most beautiful...
(Peter as Mary Poppins falls through the roof and crushes Jane and Michael to death)
Peter: Ooohhh, Oowww Damn it, (sees Jane and Michael) Aaahhh (bleeehh)
(Shoves Jane and Michael's bodies under bed)

{Cut to Griffin House}
Lois: Oh Peter you look exhausted.
Peter: I am Lois, life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal. Even after 7 jobs and joining Menudo I only made 25 bucks.
Lois: Now look don't get upset, but I've been so worried about you that I asked someone for help.
Peter: Who?
Carter: Hello fat ass
Peter: Lois, immigrants don't take handouts. They just take one dvd a month from the house they're cleaning until they have a respectable collection.
Lois: It's not a handout it's a job. Daddy employees lots of immigrants and he said you can work at the mansion.
Peter: Really? Well thanks a lot Mr. Pewterschmidt, I promise I won't let you down.
Carter: Well they all do eventually. Except for Noriega, bless him and his drug money. I wish he were here today.
Noriega: Hi Mr. Pewterschmidt
Carter: Oooohhh look who it is... come here so I can give you a hug

{Cut to the Pewterschmidt mansion}
Barbara: Oh there they are.
Lois: Hi mom
Meg: Hi grandma!
Chris: Grandma!
Meg: I missed you
Carter: Peter, I'm using you as a house immigrant so take my family's luggage to their rooms and then go get settled down by the servants's quarters.
Peter: Right away Mr Pewterschmidt sir.
Lois: Daddy we don't want any special treatment. We are here as a family and we're going to live as a family.
Stewie: Are you serious? We come to mansion and you want to live with the help. Uuggh, this like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.
{Cut to strip club}
Stewie: Is there anyone here who hasn't has a C section?
{Cut to the Pewterschmidt's servant quarters}
Stewie: Oh no, that boy's ball fell out of the cup. Oh but it's okay, because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
Herardo: Hola! You must be the Griffins. I am Herardo the head grounds keeper, you must be exhausted, come come , let's get you to your new home.
Mexican Worker #1: Hey senorita
Mexican Worker #2: You got nice bread dough legs
Mexican Worker #3: I got a blank subscription pad
Lois: See this isn't so bad
Brian: Not so bad: We're sharing a tool shed with 7 other families.
Peter: Heeheehee They're making the best of it.

Peter: Good morning Mr. Pewterschmidt it's 8 oclock and I'm ready for work.
Carter: Good, Have a seat. Drink that.
Peter: What is it?
Carter: My blood. I'm a diabetic and I need you to test it.
Peter: Isn't that dangerous?
Carter: I don't know. Probably.
Peter: I don't wanna
Carter: You work for me now drink it.
Peter: No
Carter: Drink my diabetic blood Peter or your fired
(Peter drinks the vile of blood)
Carter: OOOhhhh I can't believe you really did that... ooohhh that's nasty, you're nasty

Herardo: Peter, How was your first day?
Peter: Horrible, I never worked so hard in my life. How the hell do you guys do this every day.
Immigrant life sucks.
Herardo: But Peter, life in America is wonderful, that is why we risk everything to come here.
Peter: I don't know Cheech, it seems like a lot of work for no respect.
Herardo: Peter, America is the land of opportunity, there are tall buildings, cheeseburgers and FOX's many hit comedy series including 'That 70's Show' and uh....
Peter: Well let me ask you something, don't you miss your home?
Herardo: Of course, we come to America for financial opportunities Peter, but some day we will return to Mexico because our heritage is rich and glorious.
Peter: Ok hang on a second, are you saying there's more to being Mexican then working hard and lusting after big asses?
Herardo: There is Peter, in fact we are preparing our Cinco de Mayo celebration. As a Mexican you must experience it with us.
Peter: Well kids, enjoy yourselves, Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets.
Chris: Wow, this is awesome and later I'm going to go lift free weights in a parking lot.
Lois: Oh Peter, I'm so proud that you've embraced these people as your own. You've come a long way from hating foreigners.
Peter: Well Lois, life can surprise you if you open your mind a little. For example, I used to hate the Japanese and then I saw Lou Diamond Phillips in Young Guns and now I don't hate them anymore.
Lois: I don't think Lou Diamond Phillips is Japanese
Peter: Eh, Chinese Japanese, Dirty Knees Look at These.
What do you say we get some of those burritos.
Mexican: I would love to feel your mustache on my mustache
Meg: Really, there's a lot more body hair where that came from.
Mexican: Oh well... then no thank you.

Carter: What the hell is going on here! Why aren't you people working?!
Peter: It's Cinco de Mayo Mr Pewterschmidt
Carter: Look I don't care what day it is in Mexico, In America we work on weekdays! Now do your jobs or I'll deport your lazy asses back to the third world.
Peter: Wait a minute hang on everybody. What he just said does not represent the America that I know and love. This country used to welcome our kind with open arms, but men like Carter Pewterschmidt use us for cheap labor and then punish us when we demand to be treated like human beings. Well no more, immigrants built this country and I say it's time for us to take it back.
Who's with me?!
Mexican: Could you say whole speech again in Spanish?

Carter: What the hell is that?
(Mob lead by Peter rushes the mansion)
Peter: Get out of the way Mr Pewterschmidt we are here to take what's ours, well technically it's yours but we don't feel you deserve it so we're calling it ours and taking it anyway.
Carter: But Peter, why would you want to harm a fellow American citizen?
Peter: What?
Carter: All I have to do is make one call to a friend of mine in Washington and he can push your paperwork through. You'll officially be an American citizen.
Peter: Not good enough Mr Pewterschmidt, I want citizenship for everyone here.
Herardo: Peter, you do not have to do this.
Peter: Yes I do Gerardo, this great land should be everything to you that it is to me. A land where a man can be paid a wage he can live on. A land where we flush every time. A land where 17 miles is not walking distance. A land where meals are not purchased from a truck and then eaten in a different truck...
Herardo: Alright Alright you mad e your point, it's getting a little offensive.
Carter: That's my only offer, take it or leave it.
Herardo: Peter, you must go, we will find our own way.
Peter: I'll never forget you Gerardo.
{Cut to Griffin House}
Peter: I sure am going to miss Ronaldo, but I'm glad I'm finally an American again, being an immigrant is a real pain in the ass.
Lois: I'm glad too Peter, but I did enjoy learning about another culture.
Peter: Yeah you know so did I, well I guess everything's back to normal
Michael McDonald (singing): Well I guess everything's back to normal
Peter: oh man not this guy again
Michael McDonald (singing): oh man not this guy again
(Peter farts)
Michael McDonald (singing): farrrrt

Episode Goofs
If Peter wasn't an American citizen the government would have caught it when he applied for and received welfare in the very first episode.
(Granted continuity has been compromised before)

Cultural References
Dirty Dancing

We see the realistic ending of Dirty Dancing in which Patrick Swayze gets locked up for molesting Baby.

Jurassic Park and Toby Kieth

As one of his patriotic duties, Peter takes on feeding folk singer Toby Kieth. He ties a goat to a pole, recreating a scene from Jurassic Park, in which the park employees want to feed a T-Rex with a tied goat. Lois then points out, as it is pointed out in the movie, that Tobie Keith (or T-Rex) doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt.

Other Episode Crew

CreatorSeth MacFarlane
DeveloperDavid Zuckerman  |  Seth MacFarlane
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