Jan: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg: No, Dad.
Mike: Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that.
Mike: Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit.
(Mike pushes a button and the floor in front of them opens up)
Mike: Now maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done.
Greg: Aw, man!
Jan: That'll teach him.
Mike: And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire... for tattling on your brother.
Lois: Ugh, smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong?
Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian: The Bradys?
Peter: Aw, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.
Woman In Window: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter: No, thank you.
See, that's the worst we got is, uh, Jemima's Witnesses
Stewie: Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born... the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he's ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course, that was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans... to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, you uppance will come!
Brian: Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Lois: He's going to a stag party.
Peter: Now Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. And as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.
Lois: Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Peter: Come on. You're worrying about nothing.
Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?
(Cutaway to a church)
Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job... with festering boils all over his body.
God: Oh man, I hate it when he tells this story.
Priest: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
Peter: *coughs* Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day.
Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
(At an Ice Cream Parlor)
Peter: Oh, Butter Rum's my favorite.
(Peter passes out on table)
Brian: And remember when you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
(At movie theater)
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
(On screen) Sam: I have AIDS.
Peter: *laughs hysterically*
Lois: Promise me, Peter.
Peter: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.
(At stag party)
Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play 'Drink The Beer'?
Peter: Right here.
Quagmire: You win.
Peter: All right. What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Quagmire: Well actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie: Hey, man. Your clock won't flush.
Peter: Heh. You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.
Peter: Oh, gee. I never thought of it like that.
Guy: Hey, did you bring the porno?
Peter: Did I bring the porno huh?
(Peter pulls out a movie labeled "Assablanca")
Peter: You're gonna love it. It's a classic.
Rick: Listen to me, Ilsa. If I take this thing out... and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life.
Peter: Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!
(Ilsa smiles and begins taking off all her clothes and picture goes to static and comes back)
Movie Narrator: The statue was originally a gift from France.
Charlie: What is this?
Peter: Oh, man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.
Guy: The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?
Peter: Boys, boys, we're gonna drink until she's hot.
Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work
(Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc)
Mr Weed: How are you coming Johnson?
Johnson: Well Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great.
G.I. Jew: You call these bagels?
Johnson: Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!
Mr. Weed: Peter!
Mr. Weed: Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter: No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.
Mr. Weed: Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to children. Now look sharp!
Peter: Yes, sir!
(Knives, gasoline, and razors start passing by Peter in the assembly line)
(Quahog News 5 Special Report on TV)
Diane Simmons: And now Back to Action 5 News. Our top story tonight, 'When Toys Attack'. Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released several highly unsafe products into the retail market
Kid #1: Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
(An axe flies into the center of the kid's bat)
Kid #2: Oh boy! A Pound Poochie!
(An open bottle of pills spill out)
Kid #3: Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
(Fire shoots out of dolls mouth)
Mr. Weed: Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation.
Peter: Aw, jeez. For how long?
Meg: Oh my God! You got fired?
Chris: Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie: How do you know about the machine?
Peter: Now don't worry, kids. Your father's still gonna put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive
Meg: Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
Brian: Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?
Lois: Okay, who's hungry?
Peter: Oh, jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me!
(Appearing on Peter's shoulder) Peter's Devil: Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us
Peter: Oh, I don't know.
Peter: Hey, where's the other guy?
(Stuck in traffic) Peter's Angel: Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.
(The angel spills coffee on himself)
Peter's Angel: Oh, this perfect!
Peter: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and, "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned
Lois: What's that, Peter?
Peter: Uh, nothing. The lost-my-job smells great
Peter: Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world
Lois: All right, then let's eat. Now I know you all hate eggplant, but--
Lois: What on earth was that?
Stewie: What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish... and nothing else
Brian: How's your job search going?
Peter: It sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial.
Director: Try it again
Peter: I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs
Director: No, damn it! Take 26!
Peter: Yeah, then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant
Old Woman: aaahh, aaahh, aaahh,
(Putting a gun to her head) Peter: Take it outside, lady.
Peter: Yeah, then I thought I could win some money in that talent show
Emcee: And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers!
Peter: That is bull...
Brian: Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent, but you might want to just tell Lois the truth.
Peter: What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?
(Three tanks rolling down Tainanmen Square)
(Standing by the man who did stand in front of the tanks) Peter: Aw, screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!
Brian: Peter, you can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Sooner or later, she'll find out where you're really going every day
Peter: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight
(The Griffin kichen w/ Stewie hanging from a rope retrieving his mind control device)
Stewie: Victory is mine!
(Stewie's rope snaps)
Lois: Peter, I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.
Peter: You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner
Lois: Well you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow. Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?
Peter: Well, I just... Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...
Lois: What is it, Peter?
Peter: I... uh... you're getting kind of fat
Peter: It's just... It's not healthy
Lois: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes?
Peter: Gee, man, I thought you people were supposed to be jolly
Lois: Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, you know, if there's something wrong, you can tell me.
Peter's Angel: Hey uh, sorry man. Am I late. What did I miss?
Peter: Thank God you're here. What do I do?
Peter's Angel's Devil: Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep
Peter's Angel: Oh, I don't know
Hey, where's the other guy?
(Peter's Angel's angel stuck in traffic)
(Spills coffee on himself) Peter's Angel's Angel: Ah, this is unbelievable!
Peter: Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about
Stewie: Well, well, mother! We meet again!
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you an hour ago
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contempible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny
Lois: You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime.
Stewie: Oh, blast you and your estrogenical treachery!
Peter: Sweet dreams, kiddo
Stewie: You have the power to end this!
(Brian enters kitchen)
Brian: Hey, how'd she take it?
Peter: I told her she was fat
(Brian smacks Peter with a newspaper)
Brian (Hits Peter with newspaper): No. No
Welfare Employee: Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter: Uh... Oh, I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30
Peter: What the hell was that?
Peter: Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare.
Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn
Peter: Boy, who would've thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government?
Brian: This is why I don't vote
Peter: Hey, maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.
(A White House press conference)
Reporter: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?
Bill Clinton: Probably because you're so fat.
Lois: Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?
Peter: No, I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.
(Peter throws David's penis & it crashes through Mr. Weeds window)
Mr. Weed: I shall call you Eduardo
Lois: Peter, what's the big surprise?
Peter: Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? Well, I got you your own jester.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey guys, good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new
(At the Quahog Institute of Cosmetic Surgery)
Peter: Ha, this is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of.
Meg: Thank you, Daddy!
Lois: I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris?
Peter: It makes him happy.
Chris: These are cool
(At football stadium)
John Madden: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, I think it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!
Pat Summerall: John, we're in commercial
John: Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on.
Pat: Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John
John: Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!
Pat: I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.
Peter: Oh, man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these (Holds up spiked bowling balls w/ 'Forgive me Lois' printed on them)
John: The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat?
Pat: Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old 'trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds' play
John: I don't care what it is! This guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football!
Madden to Fox Security
Fox Security: Go ahead.
John: Take them down!
Fox Security: Yes, sir
Brian: How was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell you Brian, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing
Prisoner #1: Hey, there's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap
Prisoner #2: Oh, that was classic
Peter: Oh boy, I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me?
Brian: Oh come one, if every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into the Super Bowl, no one would be married
Peter: Yeah, you're right. Okay, I got the top bunk
(Peter's jumps on the top bunk and he comes crashing down on top of Brian)
Stewie: Hello, Mother
Lois: Well hi there, sweetie
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. Okay, here you go, honey
Stewie: Yes... Well, victory is mine!
Ah, damn you all!
Peter: Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?
Judge: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment?
Peter: Well, I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode of 'Diff'rent Strokes' was on. You know, the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop?
(Bent over in front of Arnold and Dudley) Bike Shop Owner: All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.
Peter: And everybody learns a valuable lesson
Judge: Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?
Peter: Oh yeah. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.
Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I just saw one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey
Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh, no!
Brian: Oh, no!
Chris: Oh, no!
Meg: Oh, no!
(Kool Aid Man crashes through wall) Kool Aid Man: Oh, yeah!
(as the court stares blankly at the Kool Aid Man, he slowly backs out of the opening in the wall)
(Griffin living room w/ family watching 'TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes')
Ed: That was a crazy one, Dick
Dick: It sure was, Ed.
In this next blooper from 'Joanie Loves Chachi', watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say 'She sells seashells down by the seashore'
Joanie: What does your mom do for a living?
Chachi: She sells seashells down by the...
(A bear jumps through the wall and attacks Scott Baio)
Peter: That is kind of a tongue twister
Lois: It's good to have you home Peter
Peter: Ah, honey, I knew everything would turn out okay
Meg: I sure am gonna miss being rich
Peter: Oh, don't worry. I got a way to get money
Brian: Not another welfare scam?
Peter: No, no, no. Minority scholorship
Stewie: Are you insane?
Peter: Okay, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit.
Lois: I don't think so
Stewie: Absolutely outrageous
Peter: Uh, okay, disability claim
The opening scene is a reference to the classic sitcom “The Brady Bunch” (1969-1974).
Peter: “See that's the worst we got, is Jemima's Witnesses”
2 references in one.
The woman outside the window is “Aunt Jemima”, the mascot for the same named syrup & pancake mix.
“Jemima's Witnesses” is a take off on “Jehovah’s Witnesses”, most well-known for their door-to-door preaching ministry
Adolph Hitler is seen attempting to lift weights at Das Gym and becoming very jealous at the muscle bound Rabbi surrounded by beautiful women
The Story of Job
The story of long-suffering Job teaches us that God sends misfortunes not just for sins, but that sometimes God sends misfortunes even to the righteous for an even greater confirmation in goodness, for the shaming of the Devil, and for the glorification of the righteousness of God.
Brian: “And remember you had an Irish Coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia”
The Griffins see 1993's “Philadelphia” starring Denzel Washington, Antonio Banderas & as Peter eventually remembers Tom Hanks.
Peter remembers him from the 1988 comedy “Big”
Rick: “Listen to me Ilsa, if I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life”
The X-Rated movie “Assablanca” is a parody of the classic 1942 film “Casablanca” starring Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman
Johnson: “Well Mr. Weed I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line and as you can see they look great”
Reference to “G.I. Joe” and the toy sounds a lot like director/actor “Woody Allen”
Kid: “Oh boy a Pound Poochie”
Allusion to the toy line from the 80s “Pound Puppies”
Peter: “I got fired of that commercial”
Reference to General Mills' cereal “Cocoa Puffs” .
Peter is impersonating “Sonny the Cuckoo Bird” (although possibly to avoid copyright issues, the costume Peter is wearing looks nothing like Sonny) & attempts his catchphrase “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”
Peter: “And then I thought I could win some money in that talent show”
Peter loses the talent show to the Von Trap family.
This is a reference to Rodgers and Hammerstein's 1965 movie “The Sound of Music”.
Peter: “...that I really didn't stand up against those tanks in Tienanmen Square”
Reference to the Tienanmen Square protests of 1989.
Lois: “Peter, I do my Jane Fonda tapes three times a week, when was the last time you saw your toes?”
Actress Jane Fonda had a line of very successful workout videos in the 80's
President Bill Clinton & his impeachment hearings of the late 90's are mentioned
Peter: “Well I got you your own jester”
Peter has (apparently) hired comedian Jerry Seinfeld to entertain Lois
Lois: “Well it does keep the Black Knight at bay”
The Black Knight may be a reference to 1975's “Monty Python & the Holy Grail”. They seem to have similar armor.