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Family Guy
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| Title: | I Never Met the Dead Man |
| Episode Number: | 2 |
| Season: | 1 |
| Season Episode #.: | 2 |
| Production Number: | 1ACX02 |
| Original Airdate: | Sunday April 11th, 1999 |
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Meg is now 16 and Peter must reluctantly give up TV-time to teach her to drive. His teaching skills aren't exactly brushed up, and Meg unsurprisingly fails her test. On the way home Peter is too distracted by the TV in other people's windows that he crashes the car into the local cable satellite. When angry cable-less locals confront him about it, he blames the whole thing on Meg (promising her a convertible if she keeps quiet). Meg is now the outcast of the town, and a TV-less Peter now decides to spend more time with his family; which isn't as great for them as they had thought. Meanwhile, Stewie refuses to eat broccoli and plans to turn the broken cable satellite into a weather control device in order to wipe it all out.
| There are no foreign summaries for this episode
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| James Woods is a Hollywood actor who was born in Rhode Island, which is probably why the name of Meg's school is James Woods Memorial Highschool
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| Lois: Oh, look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone?
Stewie: Put me through to the Pentagon.
Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've six armed men outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda? It's difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Indeed I can. One! Two! Three! (Fires ray-gun) Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level
| {Intro Music}
Lois: Come on, Stewie. You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Then I shall sit here until one of us expires. And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then.
Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well, then. My goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die.
Meg: Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?
Lois: I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.
Peter: Oh, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
Captain Kirk: Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Fallopia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.
Lois: For God's sake, Peter. You've been in front of the TV since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family?
Peter: I will, I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well then maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.
Meg: Please. My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything.
Brian: Meg, you may want to find a better teacher than Peter.
Peter: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian: Remember your trip to the Southwest?
Road Runner: Meep-meep!
(Runs over Road Runner) Peter: Aw, jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
Peter: Meg, don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing.
TV Announcer: We now return to Star Trek.
Peter: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
| Peter: All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. Now, you always want to be aware of other cars on the road. And if you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him. Ah, this guy's asking for it.
Meg: But Dad...
Peter: I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice.
Meg: Okay.
Peter: Go!
Peter: Well, you forgot to flip him off. But other than that, nice job.
Lois: You're back already? That wasn't much of a lesson.
Peter: Well, I didn't want to overload her on her first time out, you know? Besides CHiPs is about to start. So let's sit back and get lost in a world of California Highway Patrol fantasy!
Woman: What's the charge, Officer?
Erik Estrada: Driving without my phone number.
Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful
| Stewie: So, broccoli, Mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy. And I know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!
Peter: This is taking forever! Come on, Meg, let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00: "Fast Animals, Slow Children."
(Tiger runs after child)
Boy: Come on, guys. Wait up.
(Tiger runs faster)
Boy: Dang. I got honey all over my legs.
Meg: Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Meg: I'm so nervous.
Peter: Aw, you're gonna do great. Just remember everything I taught you.
Instructor: All right, let's start by going down Main Street.
Meg: Okay.
Instructor: What are you doing?
Meg: I'm driving. Duh.
Instructor: AAGGHHHH!!!
Meg: Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?
Meg: Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know!
Peter: I know just how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, too.
Doctor: It's a girl!
Peter: Can you check again?
Peter: Look, honey, you just have to remember that life has its little ups and...oh, jeez! We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. Hey, there it is.
Meg: Dad, watch out!
(Car crashes)
Peter: Meg, honey, are you okay?
Meg: Yeah, I think so.
Peter: The Quahog Cable Television Transmitter. Uh-oh
| Man #1: Hey! You just knocked out cable TV for the whole town!
Peter: Oh Boy! Hey, look, there's Bigfoot!
Bigfoot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.
Peter: Oh, well, at least I bought us some time. She did it.
Meg: What? Dad, you were the one driving!
Peter: I was teaching her to drive and she lost control of the car. Come on, you guys, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie.
(Peter sneaks across lobby dressed as a bush)
Aw, come on. Give the kid a break, huh?
Man #1: Why should we?
Peter: She got her arm shot off in Vietnam.
Man #1: Poor kid.
Man #2: What a senseless war.
Meg: I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter.
Peter: Now, Meg, honey, I know what I did was wrong, and I know it's not the first time I've embarrassed you.
Teacher: And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum of...
Peter: Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
Peter: I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again!
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife
| Tom Tucker: Because of an accident at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Technician: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
Stewie: Excellent. The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that, broccoli? Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.
Meg: Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter.
Lois: What?
Meg: Oh, it's okay. If I take the blame, he's going to buy me a convertible when I get my license.
Peter: Meg, it's not exactly taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.
Lois: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Come on, Lois-isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"? Look, you wanted me and Meg to bond. And that's what we're doing.
Chris: Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online and Do-me22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without TV for weeks!
Peter: Now, now, Chris, now let's not panic. We can manage just fine without TV.
Brian: Ha!
Peter: What's that supposed to mean?
Brian: Face it, Peter, you're addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you gave up candy?
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory?
Peter: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter: Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: I'm just saying...
Peter: Hey, shut up, Wonka.
Peter: Yeah, well, that was different. I'll be fine.
Lois: Are you sure, honey?
Peter: Oh, for God's sake, you guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without TV? C'mon, give me a break.
(on phone) Peter: All right, Mike, what's happening now?
Mike: Well, Sipowicz is trying to find out who stabbed the super.
Detective Sipowicz: Are you gonna tell me what I want to know, or am I gonna have to show you my ass?
Criminal: I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!
Peter: Aw, forget it, Mike. Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio
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| When Meg is in class, the guy infront of her keeps changing from a white guy with blonde hair to a black guy with curly black hair and back.
| When Peter is driving Meg home after she fails her driving test, Meg appears to be Lois from far away.
| Mr. Weed says that the video concerning Sexual Harrassment has been a part of their training for 50 years. Now, the copyright on the tape is 1956, and the episode is supposed to be set in 1999, so that would make it 43 years.
| When Peter is in the car with Meg, he checks the time using his wrist watch. However, after that the wrist watch can no longer be found.
| During the credits, Lois washes the dishes in the sink next to Stewie. However in the scene before the credits, the sink is behind Stewie, and there are no dirty dishes.
| When the man's voice thinks for Meg, he states "I was just a 15 year old girl". But, in the USA, one must be 16 in order to take a driving test.
| When Peter first goes down into the basement, there is no railing on the stairs. One suddenly appears later in the same scene.
| When Meg takes the driver's test her shirt is blue. When she rides back home with Peter her shirt is dark blue.
| When Peter exists the kitchen to go outside, the door opens outwards, instead of inwards like usual.
| Stewie plus the jumper cables onto the weather control device, and suddenly the handles are different colors than they were before.
| When Peter and William Shatner are dancing in the rain, the stars that were previously on Peter's shirt are now gone.
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| Kevin Arnold: Whoa. Suddenly, I was public enemy number one. It was time to tell the truth.
This is an obvious take from ABC's The Wonder Years.
| Sipowicz: Are you gonna tell me what I want to know or am I gonna have to show you my ass?
A reference to NYPD Blue.
| Ponch: Driving without my phone number.
A reference to the classic show CHiPs.
| Mr Sun: It's always a nice day with two scoops of raisins, Peter.
A reference to the 80's Raisen Brand commercials.
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