Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night.
(shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)
Peter: Kathleen Turner..ehh let's see how she looks..oh that's a shame.
Meg: I can't believe he's over me!
Lois: I can't believe I touched him!
Peter: I still can't believe it's not butter!
Stewie: Oh, hey Ladonne. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.
Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend)
Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
Meg: Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!
Stewie: Oh damn! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead.
Stewie: (to Meg) So, umm...this is uhh..awkward but uhh..have we ever actually, you know, met? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm...you know thats something to think abou..(burps)..oops just burped.
Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.
Meg: God, I don't think I could have been any clearer the last time I turned him down.
Debra Barone: Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizziola. Again.
(Meg walks onto the screen)
Meg: Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island. Leave me alone! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
(Meg walks off screen)
Debra Barone: Anyway, your mother insulted...
Ray Barone: I don't care anymore Patty after nine seasons I just don't care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch.
Meg: I can't believe he's over me!
Mort: I can't belive I'm out 34 grand!
Peter: I can't believe its not butter! Stick around! More Family Guy coming up!
Cecilia: Neil is such an amazing guy. We just make an absolutely perfect couple.
Meg: You know...Neil liked me first and I was gonna go out with him when I was ready to settle for him. Get your own spazz!
(Meg walks away)
Gym teacher: All right ladies enough chit-chat. Take it off, get in the shower, and bounce around for me.
Meg: You can't sell me you fat son of a bitch!