Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Dougal: That's true. I thought my uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop. (whispers) They shaft you every time!
(Dougal looks worried)

Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.

Father Fitzpatrick: You put cyanide next to the vallium, you old fool! That's asking for trouble!

Dougal: Ted, here's an idea right off the top of me head. I haven't thought it through so it's probably not brilliant but what the hell, I'll just talk and see what comes out.

Ted: Celebration, yes, but what form could it take.
Dougal: Ted I want out.
Ted: What do you mean?
Dougal: I went too far too soon. I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted. I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more good ideas. I'm sorry Ted. I'm going to sleep in the spare room.

Ted: Who says I'm a racist?
Colin: Everyone's saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the church is taking on this.
Ted: No, no.
Colin: Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup o' tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself to the ol' racism.

Colin: Hello there, Father.
Ted: Hello Colin. Ha ha. Out and about?
Colin: Ah yap. Same as yourself.
Ted: Good, good.
Colin: I hear you're a racist now, Father!

Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!

Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...More drink!

Ted: Dougal I would not have done a Chinaman impression if I had known that there would be a Chinaman there to see me do it.
Dougal: Why not Ted?
Ted: Because its.. racist!!