<-- Previous EpisodeNext Episode -->

Father Ted: Are You Right There, Father Ted?

Father Ted gets kicked out of a rich parish due to financial irregularities and returns to his old parish which is in a mess. While cleaning up, he uses a lamp shade to mimic a Chinese man, while a Chinese family are watching. The word then spreads around craggy island that father ted is a racist. Ted must now clear his name by holding a multicultural event.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 3x1
Airdate: Sunday March 15th, 1998

Guest Stars
Eamon RohanEamon Rohan
As Colm
Ann CallananAnn Callanan
As Mrs. Carberry
Des KeoghDes Keogh
As Older Dublin Priest
Ozzie YueOzzie Yue
As Mr. Yin
Patrick Kavanagh (1)Patrick Kavanagh (1)
As Fr. Seamus Fitzpatrick
Simon NelsonSimon Nelson
As Fr. Darren
Vernon DobtcheffVernon Dobtcheff
As Old Nazi
Main Cast
Dermot MorganDermot Morgan
As Father Ted Crilly
Ardal OArdal O'Hanlon
As Father Dougal Mcguire
Pauline McLynnPauline McLynn
As Mrs. Doyle
Frank KellyFrank Kelly
As Father Jack Hackett
Episode Notes
This was the first episode aired after the death of Dermot Morgan. It was held back a week before airing.

Episode Quotes
Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Dougal: That's true. I thought my uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop. (whispers) They shaft you every time!
(Dougal looks worried)

Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.

Father Fitzpatrick: You put cyanide next to the vallium, you old fool! That's asking for trouble!

Dougal: Ted, here's an idea right off the top of me head. I haven't thought it through so it's probably not brilliant but what the hell, I'll just talk and see what comes out.

Ted: Celebration, yes, but what form could it take.
Dougal: Ted I want out.
Ted: What do you mean?
Dougal: I went too far too soon. I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted. I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more good ideas. I'm sorry Ted. I'm going to sleep in the spare room.

Ted: Who says I'm a racist?
Colin: Everyone's saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the church is taking on this.
Ted: No, no.
Colin: Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup o' tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself to the ol' racism.

Colin: Hello there, Father.
Ted: Hello Colin. Ha ha. Out and about?
Colin: Ah yap. Same as yourself.
Ted: Good, good.
Colin: I hear you're a racist now, Father!

Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!

Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...More drink!

Ted: Dougal I would not have done a Chinaman impression if I had known that there would be a Chinaman there to see me do it.
Dougal: Why not Ted?
Ted: Because its.. racist!!

Missing Information
Click here to add Music
Click here to add Episode Goofs
Click here to add Cultural References
Click here to add Episode References
Click here to add Analysis