(A dying cowboy has stumbled into Max’s apartment.)
Max: Listen, wrangler, I don’t wanna be a party pooper... but you’ve got a knife in your back. Did you know that?
(Max tries to encourage a cowboy who has a knife in his back.)
Max: I once knew a guy who had a knife in his heart and lived for fifteen years. Would you believe it, fifteen?
Cowboy: That’s hard to believe.
Max: Would you believe fifteen minutes?
Cowboy: I don’t think so...
Max: How about a pin in his nose?
Cowboy: You’re just tryin’ to cheer me up.
The Chief: Max, listen to me. For the past four months you’ve been on one of the toughest cases of your career. You’ve traveled thousands of miles gathering evidence that will put the leaders of KAOS behind bars.
Max: Yes, well, I got the evidence, didn’t I, Chief? Working, driving, pushing, striving, straining, working, moving, moving, moving... moving... I’m sorry, Chief, forgive me. I’m not myself. I’m so tired...
The Chief: Max... the only thing that will make our case against KAOS stick is your testimony at that hearing tomorrow morning. Now, you’ve got to have your wits about you in court, or all your field work will just be gone, right down the drain!
Max: Oh, you didn’t disturb me, doctor. You see, I was just on my way out to find a doctor.
Dr. Fish: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’m too late. He’s dead. That’ll be twelve dollars, please!
Max: Twelve dollars?!?
Dr. Fish: Well, that’s standard for a house call.
Max: Hmmm, I should have brought him down to your office.
Max: Mrs. Dawson, it’s very important that I speak with Doctor Fish.
Mrs. Dawson: Doctor who?
Max: Fish... Fish!
Mrs. Dawson: Well, Doctor Fish is out with Lawyer Bird and Farmer Fox!
Bruno: After tonight, the whole world will believe Maxwell Smart is a babbling lunatic!
Max: Mr. Ambassador, they’re trying to kill you. The dead cowboy told me! They killed him twice!!
Blake: The government’s entire would-be case is based on the testimony of one man: Maxwell Smart. Now, we intend to show that Mr. Smart’s testimony is inadmissible by virtue of the fact that he is incompetent, deranged, and not in full possession of his faculties.
Max: Have I ever, in those six years, given you reason to doubt my sanity?
Mrs. Dawson: Ah-hahahahahahah (she cackles insanely until dismissed from the witness stand.)
Blake: A man who sees imaginary cowboys, some living, some dead. Whose own twisted mind manufactures plots to poison ambassadors, and who likes to dress up like a chicken. That’s the government’s star witness, and the reason why this pre-trial hearing is nothing more than an empty farce!!
Judge: Mr. Smart, if you have something to say, remove that ridiculous chicken head so that I can see your face!
Max: But Your Honor, I’m sure that if I could... of course! That’s it! Your Honor, I should like to have the privilege of calling one last witness to the stand.
Max: ... and did you, or did you not rush across that crowded room and shout, “I know that man, that’s Maxwell Smart!”
Cowboy: Yes, I did.
Max: But how could you have recognized me when my face was completely hidden by this chicken mask?
Cowboy: Well, I... I...
Max: And what’s more... what man would drink punch that was supposed to be poisoned? Only a man who knew there was no poison in the first place. A man whose whole scheme was to discredit me and my testimony in this courtroom. A man who tried to tamper with a Federal witness. If my calculations are correct, YOU are that man. A man who owes his allegiance to KAOS! (to the judge) Well, Your Honor, my case is complete. This is your culprit. This is your villain. (The cowboy draws a gun.) And this is his gun...
Max: Don’t be a fool. It’s five stories straight down to a hard pavement.
Cowboy: I’m in a hurry.
Max: Oh. Well, that is the quickest way down.
Cowboy: Do you really think I’m stupid enough to jump out of a window five stories high without having taken certain safety precautions? Below this window is a KAOS truck full of mattresses. Well, gentlemen... farewell. (He jumps. Max peers down from the window, and then turns to face the courtroom.)
Max: (holding two fingers an inch apart.) Missed it by that much!