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Get Smart: Aboard the Orient Express

Agents 82 through 85 have all died attempting to deliver the payroll for Control's freelance agents located behind the Iron Curtain. The Chief, hoping a woman can succeed where four men have failed, assigns the case to 99. But Max accidentally locks the briefcase to his own wrist, and Agent B-12 aboard the train has the only key. Now Max must board the train, make contact with B-12, deliver the payroll, and avoid becoming the sinister Krochanska's fifth victim!

Episode Info  

Episode number: 1x13
Production Number: 014
Airdate: Saturday December 11th, 1965

Special Guest Stars
Johnny CarsonJohnny Carson
As Special Guest Conductor

Guest Stars
Victor FrenchVictor French
As Agent 44
Maurice MarsacMaurice Marsac
As The Porter
Carol OhmartCarol Ohmart
As The Countess
Theodore MarcuseTheodore Marcuse
As Demetrios
Bill GloverBill Glover
As Ernst
Del CloseDel Close
As Minelli
Jack DonnerJack Donner
As The Courier
Episode Notes
Gadgets: Security briefcase (locks to courier’s wrist, using the wrong key prompts a 5,000 volt electric shock, loud horn whenever anyone pulls on the chain); bowler hat that converts into a gas mask; Strato-shoes (click the heels together to jet upwards for a brief period); ladies hat that converts into a gas mask; minature receiver and speaker on dog collar; gas pellet that paralyzes and then kills.

Agent 44 appears in a medicine chest.

Episode Quotes
The Chief: Agent 85 was the fourth courier to leave Paris with a briefcase chained to his wrist. Not one reached his destination alive. Your conclusion, 86?
Max: Suicide, Chief.
The Chief: Suicide?!?
99: But, Max – he was gassed!
Max: Well, I don’t know anything about his drinking habits, 99, but there’s a suicide note on the floor.
The Chief: (tightly) That’s his ticket.

(The agents look at a slide of a beautiful bikini-clad blonde.)
99: Who is that?
Max: George Robinson. KAOS agent. Hawaiian branch.
99: Fabulous disguise!
Max: I saw through it in only one minute – would be believe it, one minute?
99: I find that very difficult to believe.
Max: Would you believe – two minutes?
99: I don’t think so.
Max: How about our fourth date?

The Chief: Now, this briefcase must be gotten to B-12 somewhere in the Balkans.
Max: Why, it’s beautiful, Chief! And it’s real leather, too. Do you think he’ll like it?
99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
Max: He’ll love it!

Max: This certainly is an ingenious device, Chief! (He locks the security briefcase to his wrist.) You just clap in on your wrist, right? And there’s only two ways to get it off – one is with the key on the... train... in the... What’s the other way, Chief?
The Chief: (annoyed) Amputation!

Minelli: There’s a miniature capsule of highly compressed air buried in each heel. Now, clicking the heels together sets off a jet stream that lifts the wearer off the ground.
Max: Well, what happens if you only activate one of the shoes while you’re wearing them?
Minelli: Well, I imagine you’d drive your leg up through your head!
Max: Then – you’d advise against that...

Max: Oh, yes, I remember now – a wrong key inserted in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5,000 volts.
Manelli: And, of course, the noise will bring help running.
Max: What noise?
Manelli: Your screams.

Agent 44: Everything costs so much today. Guns and knives are expensive. Poison is up. Strangling wire is $6.80 a yard!!
Max: (rolling his eyes) Please, 44.
Agent 44: Do you have any idea what it costs today to build a halfway decent infernal machine?!?

Agent 44: The briefcase will be picked up by agent B-12, who will use the password Tanganyika.

Conductor: We’re just entering Lichtenstein – passports, please.
(He stamps the passports and leaves. Ten seconds later he returns.)
Conductor: We’re just leaving Lichtenstein – passports, please.
Max: (sarcastically) What took us so long?
Conductor: Floods. Had to evacuate the country.

Max: Krochanska made a try for my briefcase!
99: Then you know who Krochanska is!
Max: I’m almost positive, 99!
99: Who, Max?
Max: It’s somebody on this train.

Max: Ah, ha! Ernst, the phony blind man!
Ernst: No, Mr. Smart. Ernst, the blind British spy.
Max: Then it was you who put the message in the bottom of the cup?
Ernst: Oh, it was really nothing, old man. Just spur of the moment and all that.
Max: Well it was something to me – you pulled me out of a tight spot!
Ernst: Ah, well. All’s well that end’s well.
Max: Well, why don’t you come in and sit down. British Intelligence is always welcome.
Ernst: No, thanks. I ran into a spot of trouble on the way over... seem to have taken one... in the back... (he turns, revealing a knife embedded in his back) Silly of me.

Max: Who is Krochanska?
Ernst: (his last words) Don’t think I’ll live long enough... to say... pity!

Episode References
This is Victor French's first appearance as Agent 44, who always winds up jammed in tight places - here, a medicine chest. Elsewhere, in cello cases, clocks and other unlikely spots. French appeared just a few episodes earlier, in "My Nephew the Spy" as an insurance salesman.

Ernst, the British agent, carries on a conversation with Max for nearly a minute with a dagger in his back, only revealing this at the end of the chat. This parodies the so-called "stiff upper lip" of the Briton - his ability to withstand calamity with equanimity and poise, no matter what.

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