The Chief: Agent 85 was the fourth courier to leave Paris with a briefcase chained to his wrist. Not one reached his destination alive. Your conclusion, 86?
Max: Suicide, Chief.
The Chief: Suicide?!?
99: But, Max – he was gassed!
Max: Well, I don’t know anything about his drinking habits, 99, but there’s a suicide note on the floor.
The Chief: (tightly) That’s his ticket.
(The agents look at a slide of a beautiful bikini-clad blonde.)
99: Who is that?
Max: George Robinson. KAOS agent. Hawaiian branch.
99: Fabulous disguise!
Max: I saw through it in only one minute – would be believe it, one minute?
99: I find that very difficult to believe.
Max: Would you believe – two minutes?
99: I don’t think so.
Max: How about our fourth date?
The Chief: Now, this briefcase must be gotten to B-12 somewhere in the Balkans.
Max: Why, it’s beautiful, Chief! And it’s real leather, too. Do you think he’ll like it?
99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
Max: He’ll love it!
Max: This certainly is an ingenious device, Chief! (He locks the security briefcase to his wrist.) You just clap in on your wrist, right? And there’s only two ways to get it off – one is with the key on the... train... in the... What’s the other way, Chief?
The Chief: (annoyed) Amputation!
Minelli: There’s a miniature capsule of highly compressed air buried in each heel. Now, clicking the heels together sets off a jet stream that lifts the wearer off the ground.
Max: Well, what happens if you only activate one of the shoes while you’re wearing them?
Minelli: Well, I imagine you’d drive your leg up through your head!
Max: Then – you’d advise against that...
Max: Oh, yes, I remember now – a wrong key inserted in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5,000 volts.
Manelli: And, of course, the noise will bring help running.
Max: What noise?
Manelli: Your screams.
Agent 44: Everything costs so much today. Guns and knives are expensive. Poison is up. Strangling wire is $6.80 a yard!!
Max: (rolling his eyes) Please, 44.
Agent 44: Do you have any idea what it costs today to build a halfway decent infernal machine?!?
Agent 44: The briefcase will be picked up by agent B-12, who will use the password Tanganyika.
Conductor: We’re just entering Lichtenstein – passports, please.
(He stamps the passports and leaves. Ten seconds later he returns.)
Conductor: We’re just leaving Lichtenstein – passports, please.
Max: (sarcastically) What took us so long?
Conductor: Floods. Had to evacuate the country.
Max: Krochanska made a try for my briefcase!
99: Then you know who Krochanska is!
Max: I’m almost positive, 99!
99: Who, Max?
Max: It’s somebody on this train.
Max: Ah, ha! Ernst, the phony blind man!
Ernst: No, Mr. Smart. Ernst, the blind British spy.
Max: Then it was you who put the message in the bottom of the cup?
Ernst: Oh, it was really nothing, old man. Just spur of the moment and all that.
Max: Well it was something to me – you pulled me out of a tight spot!
Ernst: Ah, well. All’s well that end’s well.
Max: Well, why don’t you come in and sit down. British Intelligence is always welcome.
Ernst: No, thanks. I ran into a spot of trouble on the way over... seem to have taken one... in the back... (he turns, revealing a knife embedded in his back) Silly of me.
Max: Who is Krochanska?
Ernst: (his last words) Don’t think I’ll live long enough... to say... pity!