Max: What’s all this about a diary, Mr. Gaffer?
Gaffer: Well, I’ve been keeping a personal diary ever since I first became an agent. I’m afraid it contains a lot of secret information about our code system, and our personnel, and the location of our Control bases.
Max: I’m shocked!
Gaffer: I know...
Max: To think that someone would want to look at someone else’s personal diary!
99: Whoever kidnapped Gaffer is going to be trying to make him talk. It’s going to be a race to see who finds that diary first!
Max: Don’t worry about a thing. Nothing can go wrong once I get a look at the plan for Spy City!
(Max returns to the magna-lamp table, where he discovers that the powerful lamp has incinerated the plans.)
Professor Bush: Oh, and I invented the first silencer, too. See? (He produces an ordinary revolver.)
Max: But this looks like an ordinary gun to me. Where’s the silencer?
Professor Bush: (pointing to his throat) Right here! Just before you fire, you scream loud as you can, and that covers the sound of the gunshot!
(Max opens a dartboard. Behind it is an opening shrouded in cobwebs that frames the head and shoulders of an elderly man.)
Max: Agent 8?
Agent 8: Yes?
Max: Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 from Control. I was told to contact you.
Agent 8: Oh, good! No one’s contacted me in years. Listen, I have a big backlog of messages here. Some of ‘em were here when I came, pinned to the bulletin board.
(Agent 8 retrieves several messages and hands them to Max.)
Max: (reading aloud) “The British are coming?!?” (Max thumbs to another message.) “Please notify me immediately if there is any truth to wild rumor that Indians are on the warpath.” I can’t make out this signature.
Agent 8: (peering at the message) General Custer.
Agent 8: (reading Gaffer’s message) If anything happens to me, and you want to locate my diary, think of this: birds of a feather flock together.
Agent 8: (repeated line) Don’t slam the dart board!
Max: Well, it’s our old friend the handyman! (Max searches Mace.) It’s not on him, 99. So, you haven’t found the diary, either!
Mace: Don’t worry, we will!
Max: Did you hear that, 99? He said, "we."
99: Yes. Obviously, he’s in this with a friend.
(A gunshot rings out. Mace’s eyes go wide and he pitches forward.)
Max: He sure didn’t pick his friends too carefully.
Max: I’m absolutely, positively, completely and firmly convinced that Agent 8 is the double agent!
99: Agent 8 is the Chief’s best friend...
Max: On the other hand, that Agnes what’s-her-name has very shifty eyes...
(Max takes a few experimental shovelfuls from an apparently empty bucket.)
Max: There’s nothing in here!
Professor Bush: That’s why it’s called invisible dust.
Max: We’d better use our silencers, 99.
Max: Well, after all, this is a retirement community. People go to sleep early, here. You don’t want to wake everybody up, do you?
Max: Mr. Gaffer, we looked everywhere for your diary but we couldn’t find it. It wasn’t near any birds.
Gaffer: Well, birds had nothing to do with is, Smart!
Max: They didn’t?
Gaffer: The clue was ‘Birds of a feather, flock together.’ Now, you start by eliminating all the unnecessary words, which leaves you with the necessary word. Now, there are twenty-eight letters in the clue. I’m Agent Four, you divide twenty-eight by four and you arrive at seven. Now, there are six words in the clue, but only one word with seven letters – feather!
Max: It’s so simple I should have thought of it myself!
Gaffer: Professor Bush’s umbrella gun, right behind you! Open it up – the umbrella part is a shield!
(The KAOS agent fires twice. Both shots pierce the umbrella.)
Max: Hey!! I thought you said this was a shield!
Gaffer: It is. But I just remembered, not against bullets...
Max: Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured ten killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it, ten!?
99: I find that very hard to believe.
Max: Would you believe four killers with knives?
99: I don’t think so...
Gaffer: How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?