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Get Smart: Dear Diary

Gaffer, the legendary Control agent 4 after whom Max has patterned his own career, sends a carrier pigeon to Control headquarters. It seems he has kept a diary all these years – a diary now full of secret information. If that diary fell into enemy hands, it would mean the end for Control. Gaffer wants to turn the diary over to Control, but someone else wants the book very badly. Someone willing to kidnap Gaffer in an effort to get it!

Episode Info  

Episode number: 1x21
Production Number: 022
Airdate: Saturday February 12th, 1966

Guest Stars
Vaughn TaylorVaughn Taylor
As Gaffer
William KeeneWilliam Keene
As Newfield
Ellen CorbyEllen Corby
As Agnes Davenport
Burt MustinBurt Mustin
As Agent 8
Episode Notes
Gadgets: Magna-lamp; the first ever microdot (it’s the size of a dinner plate); first silencer (the shooter screams to cover the sound of the gunshot); invisible dust (permits agent to track suspects who step in the dust); umbrella gun.

Episode Quotes
Max: What’s all this about a diary, Mr. Gaffer?
Gaffer: Well, I’ve been keeping a personal diary ever since I first became an agent. I’m afraid it contains a lot of secret information about our code system, and our personnel, and the location of our Control bases.
Max: I’m shocked!
Gaffer: I know...
Max: To think that someone would want to look at someone else’s personal diary!

99: Whoever kidnapped Gaffer is going to be trying to make him talk. It’s going to be a race to see who finds that diary first!

Max: Don’t worry about a thing. Nothing can go wrong once I get a look at the plan for Spy City!
(Max returns to the magna-lamp table, where he discovers that the powerful lamp has incinerated the plans.)

Professor Bush: Oh, and I invented the first silencer, too. See? (He produces an ordinary revolver.)
Max: But this looks like an ordinary gun to me. Where’s the silencer?
Professor Bush: (pointing to his throat) Right here! Just before you fire, you scream loud as you can, and that covers the sound of the gunshot!

(Max opens a dartboard. Behind it is an opening shrouded in cobwebs that frames the head and shoulders of an elderly man.)
Max: Agent 8?
Agent 8: Yes?
Max: Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 from Control. I was told to contact you.
Agent 8: Oh, good! No one’s contacted me in years. Listen, I have a big backlog of messages here. Some of ‘em were here when I came, pinned to the bulletin board.
(Agent 8 retrieves several messages and hands them to Max.)
Max: (reading aloud) “The British are coming?!?” (Max thumbs to another message.) “Please notify me immediately if there is any truth to wild rumor that Indians are on the warpath.” I can’t make out this signature.
Agent 8: (peering at the message) General Custer.

Agent 8: (reading Gaffer’s message) If anything happens to me, and you want to locate my diary, think of this: birds of a feather flock together.

Agent 8: (repeated line) Don’t slam the dart board!

Max: Well, it’s our old friend the handyman! (Max searches Mace.) It’s not on him, 99. So, you haven’t found the diary, either!
Mace: Don’t worry, we will!
Max: Did you hear that, 99? He said, "we."
99: Yes. Obviously, he’s in this with a friend.
(A gunshot rings out. Mace’s eyes go wide and he pitches forward.)
Max: He sure didn’t pick his friends too carefully.

Max: I’m absolutely, positively, completely and firmly convinced that Agent 8 is the double agent!
99: Agent 8 is the Chief’s best friend...
Max: On the other hand, that Agnes what’s-her-name has very shifty eyes...

(Max takes a few experimental shovelfuls from an apparently empty bucket.)
Max: There’s nothing in here!
Professor Bush: That’s why it’s called invisible dust.

Max: We’d better use our silencers, 99.
99: Why?!?
Max: Well, after all, this is a retirement community. People go to sleep early, here. You don’t want to wake everybody up, do you?

Max: Mr. Gaffer, we looked everywhere for your diary but we couldn’t find it. It wasn’t near any birds.
Gaffer: Well, birds had nothing to do with is, Smart!
Max: They didn’t?
Gaffer: The clue was ‘Birds of a feather, flock together.’ Now, you start by eliminating all the unnecessary words, which leaves you with the necessary word. Now, there are twenty-eight letters in the clue. I’m Agent Four, you divide twenty-eight by four and you arrive at seven. Now, there are six words in the clue, but only one word with seven letters – feather!
Max: It’s so simple I should have thought of it myself!

Gaffer: Professor Bush’s umbrella gun, right behind you! Open it up – the umbrella part is a shield!
(The KAOS agent fires twice. Both shots pierce the umbrella.)
Max: Hey!! I thought you said this was a shield!
Gaffer: It is. But I just remembered, not against bullets...

Max: Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured ten killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it, ten!?
99: I find that very hard to believe.
Max: Would you believe four killers with knives?
99: I don’t think so...
Gaffer: How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?

Episode Goofs
When the mysterious spy shoots his associate about halfway through the episode, we hear a loud gunshot. Yet when he uses the same pistol later to shoot at Max, we hear silenced gunshots.

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