Max: Chief, when was the last time I beat you at chess?
The Chief: You’ve never beaten me at chess, Max.
Max: That long ago, eh?
Max: Wait a minute, Chief! (Max listens to the roll in the Chief’s hand.) Just as I thought! It’s ticking! (Max plunges the roll, still in the Chief’s hand, into a water pitcher.) The old time-bomb in the roll trick! (Max pulls apart the soggy roll. There is no bomb inside.) Strange... I could have sworn I heard a ticking!
The Chief: You did, Max! My watch!!
Max: (listening to the Chief’s watch) That’s funny... it’s not ticking now.
Max: But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that’s not saying he’ll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days!
The Chief: Three days... Max, no agent could be that confused.
Max: Well, let’s see now. I went in on a Friday...
99: Max, I’ve been thinking about the Regency Club. Do you think it’s a good idea for you and the Chief to continue exposing yourselves to danger by playing chess there?
Max: Don’t be ridiculous, 99! The Regency Club is the one place where the Chief and I will be absolutely safe. Besides, there’s a good man looking out for us there.
99: Who’s that?
Max: Good old trustworthy Cedric Devonshire.
Devonshire: Gentlemen... I am about to administer... IT!
KAOS Agent: But, Devonshire... What if Smart wins the chess game?
Devonshire: Have you ever seen Maxwell Smart play chess? (he laughs evilly)
Devonshire: Imagine the scandal with the top agent of Control kills his own Chief right under the noses of the most important government officials at their very own club!
(Max picks up an ashtray in his cell.)
Max: (reading) Souvenir, KAOS Convention, Atlantic City, 1923.
Shirley: Tell me, Max, where does your Chief go on Wednesday nights?
Max: Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to be a little more specific than that, Shirley. What Wednesday night?
Shirley: How about next Wednesday night?
Max: You’re wasting your time. That’s classified information.
Shirley: Then – what are you doing next Wednesday night, Maxie? Maybe we could do it together?
Max: Well, I’m afraid not. You see, I’m guarding the Chief at a concert next Wednesday night.
Max: Well, Chief, you don’t expect me to talk about it right out here in the open like this. After all, it is top secret. I demand the Cone of Silence.
Max: I was not aware, sir, that speedy play was instrumental in a game of chess.
The Chief: It isn’t, 86. The only thing that concerns me is that I’m not a young man!
Max: After this move, you’ll be in a trap from which you’ll be unable to extricate yourself!
The Chief: Good! When you say that, I always know I’m about to win. (He moves a piece.) Thank you, Max. That’s...
Devonshire: (forgetting himself, he bursts out) ...checkmate!!
(Reacting as programmed, Max shoots Devonshire.)
Max: Why don’t we play a game of Chinese checkers just to unwind.
The Chief: Fine! Any game at all, just so long as it doesn’t end with the word checkmate.
(Max pulls out his revolver. The Chief barely has time to duck for cover before Max fires.)
Max: Uh, sorry about that Chief! There’s nothing harder to shake than a bad habit...