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Get Smart: I'm Only Human

Control retires Fang the dog agent from active duty, putting him on a desk job checking in evidence and burying it. Max contacts Agent 73 to learn the name of the kennel where he boarded his dog, but before Max learns the name, the agent’s own dog murders him! Digging further, the Chief discovers an ominous pattern of deaths previously considered accidental – in each case, the victim’s own dog killed him! The Chief concludes that KAOS has developed a method of controlling animals. There’s a link: each of the victims sent his dog to the elite Washington Animal Spa. The learn more, Max and 99 take Fang (reactivated at Max’s insistence) and parrot agent B-17 to the Spa...

Episode Info  

Episode number: 1x23
Production Number: 023
Airdate: Saturday February 26th, 1966

Guest Stars
Oscar BeregiOscar Beregi
As Beastmaster
Frank DeVolFrank DeVol
As Carlton
Gregg PalmerGregg Palmer
As KAOS Agent
Logan FieldLogan Field
As Agent 73
Episode Notes
Gadgets: The Cone of Silence (a bee trapped inside makes hearing impossible); cigarette lighter that emits poison gas; dog collar with miniature television transmitter; electroblast device for opening doors; canine brainwasher; audio sensitive high intensity explosive apparatus (bomb that goes off when a dog barks).

Episode Quotes
Max: You know, you were using the wrong code. There’s a new code out.
99: Oh, I didn’t get one, yet.
Max: Yes. You see, when you come in the door, you knock like this. (Max knocks three times.)
99: Then what do you do?
Max: I say, “Come in.”

Max: Just look at this, 99. He hasn’t touched one speck of his food.
99: Maybe he doesn’t like the food you’re feeding him.
Max: Well, that can’t be. He had the same thing for dinner I did.
99: What’s that?
Max: Dog food. (99 gives Max a look.) Well, I ran out of everything else!

The Chief: This file contains the list of recent deaths we originally thought were accidents. Look: General Foglesby, killed by his hunting dogs. Admiral Kirkwood, killed by his chow dog. Dr. Krautmeier, killed by his dachshund...
Max: By his dachshund?!?
The Chief: While he was sleeping.

Max: I know just the dog to infiltrate: Fang!
The Chief: Well, Max, I had to put Fang on the inactive list. Let’s go down and look at some other dogs.
Max: Wait a minute, Chief! What’s the matter with Fang?
The Chief: Max, Fang just doesn’t have it anymore.
Max: Doesn’t have it anymore?!? Why, Fang is just as competent as I am!
The Chief: I know...

The Parrot: (quoting Max’s earlier comment) Stanley Maxwell, cover name instead of Maxwell Smart... Maxwell Smart...

Max: It’s a good thing Carlton was in the late so he could give us this electroblast device.
99: I never worked with one before, Max.
Max: You merely press down on this electronic plunger, which sends an electrical current through these wires, which sets off the nitro under these suction cups, which muffle the sound of the explosion.
99: And that does it?
Max: Yes. Guaranteed one of the best ways to open doors. (Max applies a final suction cup to the doorknob, and the door swings open.)
Max: Another good way is turning the doorknob!

Beastmaster: You have fallen into our very clever trap!
Max: I’ve fallen into cleverer traps than this before!

Max: As soon as you’re gone, by the use of sheer brute strength, I shall be able to rip these chains from the wall in one minute. Would you believe it, one minute?!
Beastmaster: I find that hard to believe.
Max: Would you believe, two minutes?
Beastmaster: I don’t think so.
Max: How about a week from Tuesday?

Beastmaster: (smiling) You have a marvelous sense of humor! (He laughs. But when he reaches the elevator, he stops abruptly and his face takes on a stern and sinister cast.) You’ll probably die laughing...

(Max has ordered Fang to drop a bomb down an elevator shaft. Now he must order Fang to bark to set off the bomb. Because he’s brainwashed, Fang understands only German.)
Max: Fang! Bell! (Fang barks.) Fang! Hitten de dirten!

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