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Hell Hath No Fury - Recap

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The scene opens and Carlene is living like a recluse, propped up in her giant canopy bed like a glittery, fabulous Howard Hughes. She is so filled with shame that the unspeakable had happened: She is considering missing church. "I can't show my face or my talent in front of all those people," she moans. Her partner-in-crime Ripp uses Bible verse to remind her of her wifely duties, but even the words of the Lord prove futile. (Proverbs 31: "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.")

But something would have to draw our effervescent Carlene out of bed, and poor beard Cricket had just the ticket: The ladies have a passive-aggressive-church-attack-song planned, and Cricket is fully prepared to take over Carlene's solo. Carlene is dressed and ready in no time, and she belts out Carrie Underwood's "Jesus, Take the Wheel" with the spunk and talent. Amanda, whose husband has recently been killed in a sexually scandalous car crash, receives the poorly-disguised message loud and clear. Point -- Carlene. Unfortunately, Amanda has more immediate pressing issues to attend to. Gigi, who still bemoans the status of her daughter's reputation, is planning a debutante party of sorts to re-introduce her progeny to Dallas society. Unwisely, she adds Carlene, Cricket, and Sharon to the invite list -- and a passive-aggressive Carrie Underwood song is simply not enough to satiate their appetite for revenge.

Carlene still wants blood for the Booby Licious insult, and Sharon is distressed to learn that her husband, Zack, had been frequenting the joint to see Amanda. (Aside: Sharon figured this out by LICKING ZACK'S TIE to taste what kind of sauce made an obvious stain.) Only Heather is taking Amanda's side, but this newfound allegiance has Heather on the outs with the rest of the group. Their revenge-plot is a two-pronged attack. First, the ladies have to convince all of the other invitees not to attend. They do so, easily, by spreading word that Amanda is a violent, uncontrollable alcoholic who lives in a house filled with guns. The second stage of their attack is a bit more lethal -- they attack Amanda, who is working with her head held high to honestly and properly support her children, at the workplace.

Carlene shows up to the afternoon shift with a TV crew and boxes full of the ladies' new uniforms, which could only be described as Amish-couture. Carlene tells Amanda (and the cameras) that she has decided to re-brand Booby Licious in an effort to improve the self-esteem and dignity of its employees. To add to Carlene's utter decency, all of Booby Licious' profits would now go to her own personal charity -- "For Children with Something." Amanda rightly points out that Carlene is being a massive hypocrite about their uniforms, as her own enhanced breasts are loudly on display. "I have been saved," Carlene cattily replies. "I have a wonderful, spiritual husband, who likes them where he can see them." Amanda seemed ready to let this one slide, but she abruptly changes her mind when she realizes that Carlene's actions might lead to her daughter Laura's social banishment.

The ladies agree to meet at Carlene's favorite pulled-pork hole-in-the-middle-of-the-desert for a tête-à-tête, where Carlene insists that she had told the ladies to make sure that Laura was treated kindly. After all, Amanda's bullying has practically saved Carlene. "You were right," Carlene insists over delicious-looking sandwiches. "My skin was like the map of Switzerland. My nose was an Idaho potato." Carlene has taken Amanda's cruel words and used them as inspiration for her plastic surgery, and she would be forever grateful. To show her appreciation, she leaves Amanda at the restaurant. Meanwhile, everything comes full circle as the sins of the mother are very nearly visited upon the daughter. Amanda's amply breasted daughter Laura has finally caught the attention of the popular crew, which was naturally made up of Cricket and Sharon's witchy daughters.

Unfortunately, years ago, pre-redemption Amanda thought up a nasty branding process for the unfortunate young ladies of Hillside High School: The pretty girls were labeled "Foxes" with buckets of glitter, and the uglies were branded "Javelina," covered in slop, and shunned forever. Well, the time for Laura's branding was nigh: Hillside's big pep rally is rapidly approaching. Unfortunately for Cricket's daughter Alexandra, who is not only a cheerleader but the head of "The Foxes," her deeply closeted father would not be in attendance. "I can't understand how entertaining 80 cowboys is more important to you than your daughter's first basket toss!" Cricket moans as her husband packs for the ranch. But Cricket never shared this news with Alexandra, who is still riding high off her recent breast enhancement, and focuses on Laura's labeling. "She's kind of cute," Alexandra says as she weighs her options. "But then she opens her mouth and she's... unattractively smart."

Ultimately, on the day of the big rally, the GCB's are still out for blood: Cricket is upset over Blake's dude-ranch desertion, Sharon is feeling rejected after Zack pooh-poohed her food-oriented advances, and Carlene is still Carlene. So the stage is set for Laura to be branded a Javelina, and Amanda is still stuck at the restaurant, unable to warn her. Yet Laura, surprisingly, is not the one who ends up humiliated. Alexandra, who has worn last year's uniform with this year's breasts, accidentally exposes her new C-cups to the entire student body. The marching band is so happy! Heather also faces a bit of humiliation, as her new enemy Carlene bans her Amanda-loving self from the rally. But Laura ends up on the winning team: The GCBs decided to "keep their enemies closer" by allowing Laura to join the Foxes.

Amanda, who shows up last minute, is worried that her daughter would continue down her own bitchy path, but Laura insists that she could never be as cruel as her mother. She would use the system to her own advantage, and ultimately survive it. Amanda later confides in Gigi that she was worried about Laura's headstrong behavior. Gigi helps Amanda realize that she herself had faced the same problems with Amanda, and the ladies basically kiss and made up. For now. Amanda takes Gigi's advice and makes up with Laura as well.

She tells her daughter that she is proud of her for carving out her own path, and Laura replies that she is proud of her mother for being a sexy, headstrong, self-supporting waitress at Booby Licious. "Legend has it, you were the Queen of the Foxes," Laura said. "If you can't out-Fox Carlene Cockburn, you're not worth the glitter sprinkled on you." The next day, at Booby Licious, the ladies call Ripp with an ultimatum: He could go against Carlene to restore the old uniforms, or lose his entire staff to his competitor, "Chicken N'Cheeks." Naturally Ripp decides on the former, and Carlene takes another hit when Gigi brings Amanda's now-bustling coming-out luncheon to Booby Licious. Everybody comes! Point -- Amanda. The episode ends.