The Bulb of the Night - Recap

It is night when someone knocks on Alton’s door. Alton answers and greets Mr. Vladimir, who has arrived for his appointment. Mr. Vladimir pauses at the doorstep until Alton specifically invites him to enter, complimenting his cape as he does so. The visitor invites Alton to call him Vlad.

Alton ushers the caller to a chair as he explains that he does not take many food phobia cases. But he has looked over Vladimir’s chart and is intrigued. Vladimir explains that he has never cooked with garlic, and Alton asks how long this condition has persisted. Vlad suggests that it seems like centuries. Alton asks why he seeks help now, and he explains that modern women all want chefs. He has tried to cook, but so many recipes call for heaping piles of what Vlad describes as “that cursed Italian veed.”

Alton explains that garlic is neither cursed, nor a weed. It’s not even Italian. It’s from the Carpathian Mountains originally – the count’s neck of the woods. The count confirms that this is “in the neighborhood.” Then Alton confirms that Vlad is only available nights, and when Vlad asks if that will be a problem, Alton says no. As he escorts Vlad out, Alton hands him an address where they will meet the following day, at five o’clock. Vlad prefers six, and Alton accommodates him, saying that garlic is a healthful, delicious, unique food that Vlad will love – it is certainly... Good Eats!

Alton meets Vlad at the Krogen in Alpharetta, Georgia. Vlad finds signs for a blood drive distracting, and Alton yanks his attention back to the subject at hand: the history of garlic. In ancient Rome, the priestesses of Cybele refused to allow those who smelled of garlic into their temples. Vlad comments that he always did like those girls. King Alfonso of Spain forbade his knights from eating garlic, and if someone did, Alfonso refused to speak to them for weeks – Vlad’s kind of guy. On the other hand is Aristotle, who around 35BC wrote a book about the medicinal qualities of garlic. And Marco Polo wrote of how the Tartars consumed all kinds of nasty raw meat – as long as they ate it with chopped up raw garlic they were okay. Vlad interjects that he always liked the Tartars, and when Alton asks him if he means steak tartare he hesitates just for a moment before agreeing that he meant steak tartare. Alton continues that the garlic kept the Tartars from getting sick. In 1875 Albert Schweitzer successfully fought dysentery in Africa using only garlic. Vlad asks if Alton is a nutritional anthropologist, and Alton quickly denies it, then gestures Vlad to a display where the bulbs await.

At the garlic display Alton compares the garlic bulb to an egg carton. Both are containers holding individual eggs. The egg has a tough shell and a biological fuel tank, and the clove of garlic has a sprout surrounded by a botanical fuel tank.

Pointing at the display, Alton mentions hundreds of garlic varieties grown around the world, but here one finds mostly white American garlic from California. It has a good garlic flavor and brings a little heat to the party. Occasionally one finds purple stripes and inside mauve colored paper around the clove. This variety is Mexican garlic, a less powerful version that Alton commonly uses at a ratio of two to one. Smaller cloves, Alton tells Vlad, a more flavorful. Vlad asks about elephant garlic, and Alton tells him that elephant garlic is actually a leek.

Alton’s next bit of instruction explains how one judges the store selling the garlic. Look for garlic that’s not kept cold or misted. Pick up a bulb – Vlad doesn’t want to, but Alton coaxes him, suggesting that he’ll have to sooner or later. Finally he does and Alton asks him to judge: does the bulb feel heavy for its size and is the paper intact? Is it firm when gently squeezed? Vlad’s choice passes all of these tests. Finally, Alton has his pupil inspect the bulb for any signs of black powder – that’s mold, so avoid it. And he offers one final check, cautioning that the produce managers might not like it. He cuts a clove lengthwise and asks Vlad what he sees. Vlad sees nothing, which is what he should see. The sprout has not matured and remains undetectable to vision. If the sprout has developed the garlic would be bitter.

The next stop is a nearby Bed, Bath and Beyond store, where Vlad finds the array of gadgets impressive. Some, Alton warns, aren’t helpful, and some even bring out garlic’s darker powers. Alton goes to fetch someone who can help, and while he’s gone, W finds Vlad. Instantly smitten, W first offers Vlad a professional garlic peeler. Alton interrupts with an offering of his own: a rubbery grip pad that is far less expensive and just as effective. Just fold it around the garlic and give it a quick rub, and off comes the peel. And it has other uses: holding bowls and preventing cutting boards and other objects from sliding.

W next offers a garlic press, demonstrating how a simple squeeze crushes the garlic. Alton recommends against this one trick pony, favoring a simple meat tenderizer. When Alton mentions that the tenderizer is the same sort used to pound steaks, Mr. Vladimir recoils. Perhaps he misunderstood. Alton suggests that one might use anything that does not pulverize the cloves. Most times, they just need to be lightly crushed.

To get the smell of garlic off the hands, W offers Vlad as stainless steel device. One just rubs it on the hands under running water – W is happy to demonstrate. Alton advises his student that anything made of stainless steel will do this job. The equipment demonstration complete, Alton leads his charge away from the smitten kitten W and out o the store.

Back at the kitchen Alton continues with the Three Laws of Garlic:

1) Smaller pieces yield stronger flavor.
2) The longer one cooks it, the milder and sweeter it tastes.
3) But if it gets burnt, it’s toast – that cannot be fixed!

The introduction complete, Alton demonstrates garlicky greens. His biggest pan goes over high heat to get good and hot. He hands Vlad a board scraper (or dough blade) and shows him how to use it to crack the cloves, then leaves him to peel them. While Vlad does that Alton mixes olive oil, salt, and pepper with fresh mustard greens from the refrigerator. Vlad has not yet finished with the paper; in the interest of speed, Alton shows him how to rub the paper from the cloves.

With the pan nice and hot, Alton coats it lightly and drops in the lightly crushed garlic Vlad just peeled. He moves the pan until the garlic is just brown, and then removes it. For still more flavor, he adds a sliced clove to the pan, and turns the heat off. When that has barely browned, he tosses in the greens and takes the heat away. Vlad asks for still more garlic flavor, so Alton reminds him of the first law: finer pieces have more flavor. To get that effect, Alton finely chops another clove – and nicks his finger. As he turns to rise the injury clean, Vlad picks up the knife and comments that Alton has type O blood – when Vlad returns the knife the blood is gone, which puzzles Alton. Moving on, Alton adds the chopped garlic right to the pan and tastes the contents before serving to ensure there is enough salt. These greens, he advises, work as a side dish or with pasta or steak.

Vlad asks why smaller pieces are stronger, and Alton explains that it comes down to chemistry. They go outside, where Alton continues, explaining that garlic has cells, and its cells contain aliinase. Alton lights a blow torch – that’s the aliinase. Aliinase has only one job: to find and digest a sulfur rich amino acid called alliin. Alton hands a road flare to Vlad – that’s the alliin. Normally, a barrier keeps the two chemicals apart, but when the cell walls rupture, they can combine. Alton removes a fireproof sheet and the torch sparks the flare to life, just as aliinase sparks alliin. The aliinase converts alliin to allicin, the aromatic chemical responsible for much of garlic’s character scent. The more cell walls one breaches, the more allicin and the stronger the odor and flavor. Allicin breaks down quickly into other substances, some fifty times as sweet as sugar. Alton finishes by ordering Vlad to extinguish the road flare so they can cook.

Back in the kitchen, Vlad peels the last of forty cloves, needed for the next dish, Chicken and Forty Cloves. At Alton’s direction he turns the oven to 350º. The usual recipe calls for keeping the cloves in the paper, but Alton says his version, with the paper off, will be better. He starts with a broiler/fryer chicken cut into eight pieces and seasoned with salt and pepper and seared with hot oil. When it browns, Alton dumps in the garlic, more salt, a little black pepper and some fresh thyme. Finally, he adds some olive oil and lids the pan before sliding it into the oven for an hour and a half.

Later, Alton has drifted off to sleep when Vlad opens the pan. The garlic has a sweet and musky smell; it is soft as butter and twice as sweet. The oil? That’s now garlic oil, which Alton brushes onto bread and broils for a couple of minutes. When it browns he flips it and browns the other slide – garlic toast. When the toast comes out, Alton spreads a single clove on it – the clove goes on like butter. Then a little parmesan cheese for topping to finish it.

Vlad finishes with a recap: choose your garlic carefully, store it in a crypt – er, a cool, dry, well-ventilated place. The smaller the cut the greater the flavor, and the more it cooks, the sweeter the flavor – but don’t burn it!

Alton offers Vlad bread and chicken, but Vlad never eats... chicken. Then Alton notices the time. They’ve been cooking all night! He pulls open the door and sunlight streams in. With a scream and a puff of smoke Vlad is gone, leaving only his jeweled ring behind. Garlic, Alton concludes, may be the bane of bloodsuckers, witches, and evil spirits, but for nice living folks, it is Good Eats!

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