Episode Quotes
(Chef Paul visits Alton at the Beard Home for the Culinarily Confused)
Chef Paul: Hi, AB.
Alton: Paul? Is it you? Well, gosh... how long’s it been.
Chef Paul: I don’t know, maybe...
Alton: (interrupting) Oh, well let me guess! Two years, three months! What’s the matter, big time TV chef?!? The driveway too short for your limousine?? And after all I did for you...
Alton: I’m... thi-i-is close to finding the Unified Dip Theory, and once I do, this script will finally be done, and I’ll make my triumphant return to... (Good Eats theme plays)
Alton: In order to qualify as a dip, the candidate substance must be able to maintain constant contact with its transport mechanism over three feet of white carpet.
Chef Paul: Garlic powder never delivers!
Alton: It never delivers because people don’t give it a chance to. It’s got to rehydrate. I mean, if you just go and toss garlic powder into tomato sauce, you’re never going to get any flavor because the acid in the tomato just eats...
Orderly: (off-camera) Hey, Brown, do you need your pill?
Alton: No, no, I’m good... I’m fine... I’m calm, thank you...
Alton: You can make an American dip out of just about anything, as long as you stick to a basic formula: creamy base plus one to two main ingredients, usually the ones the dip is named for, and then no more than three supporting seasonings (excluding salt, of course).
Alton: It is so weird that it is a fruit and yet it contains twenty percent fat. Not weird enough for you? Fine. It is so weird that the leaves produce a hormone that prevents the fruit from ripening as long as it’s on the tree. Falls off, it ripens – but only in the presence of oxygen, ladies and gentlemen. That’s right, you put an avocado in a plastic bag and it doesn’t ripen – it rots!
(Demonstrating how to remove an avocado pit from a knife)
Alton: Peasant number one checks out the lay of the land. How’s he going to play this one? Brute force and ignorance, it seems. Oh, ho, ho. That almost never pays off.
(Peasant #1attempts to force the pit off)
Alton: (to Peasant #1) Might want to slap a leech on that! (to Peasant #2) Peasant number two, dost think thou will fare better?
(Peasant #2 tries to worry the pit off with his teeth)
Alton: A unique dental approach. I’ve never seen that before. I hope never to see that again.
Alton: Cold turns down the volume on flavor, right? I mean, if you correct the seasoning while the dip is cold, then later when you turn it up to room temp, it’s going to be all out of whack!
Alton: I, for one, don’t think there’s enough onion in the world to cover up the nasty taste of beef liver.
Cultural References
The Beard Home for the Culinarily Confused, a warehouse for chefs who have come unglued, is doubtless named for celebrity cook James Beard.
Entering the Beard Home, Chef Paul remarks on receiving his green pass that he "can't leave without it." The remark and the pass send up a series of American Express card advertisements from the 1990's, made most famous by actor turned pitchman Karl Malden, who concluded each spot by telling viewers, "Don't leave home without it."
Alton refers needs a Unified Dip Theory to finish his script. He’s spoofing the goal of Einstein’s last two decades, and of modern physicists since: the Unified Field Theory. This theory unifies the four fundamental forces: electromagnetism, gravity, strong force and weak force. The problem is complex owing chiefly to the difficulty of quantizing gravity, which prevents a common theory that explains both general relativity and quantum mechanics. Whoever solves it will certainly collect a Nobel Prize.
Alton likens removing an avocado pit from his knife to removing a sword from a stone. In legend, King Arthur proved his lineage by removing a sword embedded in a stone, when no one else could do so. Note that in most versions of the legend, the sword in the stone is not the legendary and perhaps magical sword Excalibur.