Episode Quotes
Alton: I probably don’t have to tell you that those kebabs tasted hideous, or that my sister and I adored them. You know, the entire kebab thing seems so foreign, so exotic and sometimes, Rudy would let us sword fight with the skewers when we were done eating! Explains why my mother never liked that man.
Alton: Like many American skewer-meisters, Uncle Rudy’s kebabs served as a bold expression of his desire to have as little to do with cooking as possible, which is a shame, because with a little time, attention, know how and the right skewers, kebabs can be a true expression of... (Good Eats theme plays)
Alton: You have to wonder… if the Ottomans were so inventive, why didn’t they invent… the ottoman?
Alton: Now, traditionally kebabs and their kin receive at least a brief soak in a marinade. Why? Well, remember our Turkish marauders? When they managed to land a meaty morsel, it usually wasn’t prime beef. It was a boar or a bear or some other strange critter that was probably gamey, dry and tough. To counteract these conditions the raiders would soak their dinner in a richly spiced goo prior to cooking.
(Alton has a "voodoo doll" of his nemesis W)
Alton: I get the point. And so, soon, shall she…
Alton: (describing a skewer he likes) Well, after exhaustive testing, I do believe we have a winner. Check it out. It’s about thirteen inches of skewer; it is heavy duty nickel plated steel; you’ll notice that it is rectangular in cross section and that’ll keep food from flopping around, It’s got a nice sharp point that can easily be filed to keep it that way, and on this end a nice big loop for easy handling and storage.
Alton: If you have some skewers with relatively flat blades use them for vegetables, because they’re a lot less likely to split things.
Alton: Although you can certainly successfully cook your kebabs under the oven broiler, it is a tedious task at best. If you’ve got a grill, that’s what you’re going to want to use.
Alton: Above all, remember that kebabs are party food, and it doesn’t matter what the party is. You could be celebrating your new job, or maybe you laid siege to a fortified town. It doesn’t matter – the more the merrier. Now when going with the trench method, everyone can supervise their own cooking, and that takes the responsibility and pressure off you, the host.
Alton: So, when it comes time to serve you’ve got lots of options
(Watches someone slide a skewer through his teeth and remove the food.)
Alton: And, uh… that’s certainly one of them. But if you’re not experienced you might put an eye out!
Alton: Just as meat appreciates a little bit of a soak in a marinade before facing the fire, so does fruit appreciate a little syrup.
Alton: I hope your appetite is ready and willing to embrace to skewer-centric cuisine. Not only do shish-kebabs link us to a more colorful, simpler time, they can help you make the most of your current time, not to mention your food budget. Like my Uncle Rudy used to say – if you can’t drive a stake through it, it ain’t good eats!
Cultural References
Alton’s long suffering equipment guru W, homage to James Bond’s Q, makes another appearance. During this one, Alton uses a voodoo doll to punish her.
Alton produces what most people would call a “voodoo doll” and uses it to test skewers. This has the (to Alton) additional benefit of inflicting misery on his nemesis W. It is unclear where this practice originated; the “voodoo doll” is believed to come from New Orleans, Louisiana, United States and may have arisen as a way of inducing superstitious fear as a means of exerting control over others. Similar power objects exist in other cultures. The actual religion vodou has nothing to do with such dolls or with the creation of zombies, despite popular myths.
From about 1299 to about 1928 the Ottoman Empire and its people the Osmanli controlled portions of the Middle East, southwestern Europe and parts of Northern Africa (at times very large portions). In decline already, it chose the losing side in World War I and its territories were split among the victors. Modern Turkey occupies much of what was once the core of the Empire.