Dr. Foreman: As the new Dean of Medicine, I'd like to personally welcome all of our new employees and ask, why the hell do you want to come back?
Dr. Chase: Tired of surfing.
Dr. Foreman: He hasn't changed.
Dr. Chase: And neither has the job, right? You still get to do crazy crap.
Dr. Taub: Save people's lives instead of just their noses.

(to Chase)
Dr. House: Beard's a nice touch. Let's everyone know that you're not a teenage girl.

Dr. House: These abrasions on his knees--they're minty fresh. About ten hours old.
Dr. Park: He got them playing flag football.
Dr. House: He said he got them playing flag football. I'm sure that's true if "flag" is a euphemism for "penis" and "football" is a euphemism for "entering a vagina."

Dr. Chase: What he means it's better to do it her where we can revive him then have it happen somewhere else.
Dr. House: The prodigal son has returned. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slaughter a fatted calf for lunch.

(about Park's diagnosis)
Dr. House: Boring.
Dr. Park: I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the patients, not entertain you.
Dr. House: Would it hurt to do both?

Dr. Park: He couldn't get a babysitter. Get over it.
Dr. Taub: You're going to get us killed.
Dr. Park: She thinks I'm a prostitute on her turf. Showing weakness is what gets you killed.
Dr. Taub: Why would she think you're a prostitute?
Dr. Park: I'm in a dump with a guy almost twice my age. What else is she gonna think?
Dr. Taub: How old do you think I am?

Dr. Taub: An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids? It's great to be back among friends.

Dr. House: That's why we're going to blast him with broad-spectrum antibiotics.
Dr. Adams: The blast will fry what's left of his liver. The cure will kill him.
Dr. Chase: Not if we get him with a liver transplant first and then treat him with a broad spectrum.
Dr. House: And old team for the win! Not that I'm keeping score. It's more of a grid where I assign numerical values to determine who gets raises, vacation time, and my respect.

Dr. Adams: Maybe if everybody didn't lie...
Dr. House: Aw, that is cute. I'm talking about your breasts. They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth--I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. He'd never admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he's never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew... you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one--you already now this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth.

Dr. Wilson: House was like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The Child Catcher is a character who appears in the movie version of Fleming's novel, as well as the subsequent movie adaptations. He works for the main villains, abducting children for them.