Dr. Cuddy: Any idea why we are getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. House: Democrats' health care plan?

Dr. House: I’m in an elevator, can’t run away.
Dr. Cuddy: Can’t run away anyway.
Dr. House: That’s just mean. Why are we still together?
Dr. Cuddy: We are going to our office.
Dr. House: Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in once you pass child-bearing age.
Dr. Cuddy: Now that’s just mean.

Dr. Cuddy: My office was recently destroyed. I thought I'd use the office of the doctor directly responsible.
Dr. House: I think the patient holding a gun to my head was actually the one directly responsible.
Dr. Cuddy: My desk won't fit in his cell. You can use our outer office.

Dr. House: Wow, muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.

Dr. Taub: How come you haven’t said anything about this?
Dr. Kutner: It’s no big secret. I guess I’m just not very chatty.
Dr. Taub: You told us when you renewed your subscription to National Geographic.

Dr. Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
Dr. House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Dr. Cuddy: These walls aren't soundproof.
Dr. House: I'm well aware.

Dr. House: Come on. Before the shrieking harpy melts my brain.

Dr. Taub: You're insane. With two days to live.
Dr. Kutner: House is never gonna to find out.
Dr. Taub: He will if I tell him… or you cut me in for 30%.
Dr. Kutner: That's blackmail.
Dr. Taub: Yes.

(Cuddy is on the phone)
Dr. House: Have you seen my balls?
Dr. Cuddy: Um, can you hold on a second?
Dr. House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and a red one.
Dr. Cuddy: Your plan isn't gonna work.
Dr. House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny that it's making you miserable. You try to make me miserable so I'll stop making you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery.
Dr. Cuddy: You're not bothering me.
Dr. House: Step one complete.
Dr. Cuddy: I'm gonna call you from my cell. (Cuddy hangs up the phone) And then I will come back in here. (on her cell phone) Hey. Yeah, I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. (to House) 'scuse me.

Dr. Cuddy: Other doctors actually use their offices for crazy stuff like seeing patients. Not throwing a ball against the wall and calling it work.
Dr. Wilson: It’s his process. That ball saves lives.

Dr. Wilson: Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there. But, sitting near him and hoping isn't gonna get it done.
Dr. Cuddy: Leave here now, or I'll take your office.

Dr. Kutner: It’s not funny.
Dr. Taub: It is. You just can’t appreciate it because it’s gonna destroy your career.
Dr. House: What happened? He call Foreman “clean and articulate” again? That is surprising.

Dr. Taub: I don't think sabotaging your boss' office is a wise counterattack.
Dr. House: All that is necessary for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing.

Dr. Taub: Why aren't we doing this in your office?
Dr. House: Obviously because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy… overreacted to my overreaction.

Dr. Wilson: You did do the math on this, right? Screwing with her office means the renovations will take longer. Means she will be in your office longer.
Dr. House: See there? I'm having a bidet put in instead of a toilet. Not in addition to, instead of. You want to know what happened to the old toilet?
Dr. Wilson: She'll be with you, where you claim to not want her.
Dr. House: I smashed it with a sledgehammer.
Dr. Wilson: I think in some ancient cultures that was actually considered a proposal of marriage.

Dr. House: Where are you going?
Dr. Hadley: Sorry. Treatment.
Dr. House: Does Foreman schedule your appointments by numbers on the clock or just by when I'm in the middle of something?
Dr. Hadley: Sorry if I'm dying at a bad time for you.

Dr. House: You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me… because you have the hots for me.
Dr. Cuddy: You're still here because you have the hots for me.

Dr. House: Are you screwing with me?
Dr. Cuddy: Are you screwing me?
Dr. House: That depends on your answer.

Dr. Taub: House is gonna kill us.
(House arrives)
Dr. House: Slowly… and painfully.

Deedee: Did you see their faces?
Dr. House: I think we may have an anal hygiene violation there.

Audio: During this episode, House says in his Sean Connery accent, "He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!"

This is a quote from the 1987 motion picture The Untouchables.