Dr. House: Why have Foreman’s breasts suddenly started to droop?
Dr. Hadley: Large breast are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his F.D.A. reports before the end of the year.
Dr. Cuddy: I’m bringing in a case. You may have noticed me doing that before.
Dr. House: I’ve noticed you doing that a lot recently. it’s almost as if you have a sexual interest in someone. Like, say… Taub.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, Taub might think I like him if I stayed, which is why I’m gonna do this. (leaves)
Dr. Taub: Somehow, I don’t think that was really about me.
Dr. House: You talked to Wilson.
Dr. Taub: He has very girly handwriting, by the way.
Dr. Wilson: Of all the ways to mess with people, why give yourself an imaginary present?
Dr. House: Have you checked the prices for firemen-strippers recently?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep into my patients’ eyes and act like you. “Oh, I’m so sorry you’re dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I’ll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for in…”
Dr. Wilson: You’d just wind up insulting her. Perhaps calling her “Mrs. Moron.”
Dr. Taub: You don’t have clinic duty today.
Dr. House: Who says it’s a duty?
Dr. House: It’s Beccaria’s sign. That’ll be gone by your third trimester.
Whitney: Oh, I’m not in school.
Dr. House: Neither is your fetus.
Whitney: Aren’t there other ways I could get pregnant, like… sitting on a toilet seat?
Dr. House: Absolutely--there would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but yes, absolutely.
Whitney: We do other stuff in bed. Couldn’t some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?
Dr. House: More likely, it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow, but… sure, anything’s possible.
Dr. Cuddy: Uh, what was that all about?
Dr. House: Jamaican chicken recipes.
Dr. House: Parthenogenesis. A baby without a daddy. In humans, it's only ever been theorized, but it was never proved. Until now. (holds up the DNA printouts) Mommy. Baby. Your daughter has only maternal DNA.. I personally checked this five times. In seven months, you will have… a virgin birth. Merry Christmas.
Dr. Cuddy: You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson?
Dr. House: Mmm, more an argument. I realize it would have been simpler to just fake the paternity test, but hey--Christmas spirit and all that.
Dr. Cuddy: I think you’re confusing nice and evil again.