Dr. House: See that? They all assume that I'm a patient because of this cane.
Dr. Wilson: So put on a white coat like the rest of us.
Dr. House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
Dr. Wilson: You see where the administration might have a problem with that attitude?
Dr. House: Ehh, people don't want a sick doctor.
Dr. Wilson: That's fair enough. I don't like healthy patients.
Dr. Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
Dr. House: If we don't talk to them, they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them. Humanity is overrated.
Dr. Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.
House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office 20 minutes ago.
Dr. Cuddy: (to House) Is the yelling supposed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That's not scary. That you're going to hurt me, that's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun you.
Dr. Foreman: I thought everybody lied.
Dr. House: Truth begins in lies. Think about it.
Dr. Foreman: That doesn't mean anything, does it?
Orange-Colored Patient: What's that? What are you doing?
Dr. House: Painkillers.
Orange-Colored Patient: Oh, for you, for your leg.
Dr. House: No, because they're yummy.
Dr. House: Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient: What??
Dr. House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Find some fingerprint and do the math. And get a good lawyer.
Dr. House: Oxygen is so important during those pre-pubescent years, don't you think?
Dr. House: Far as I know she running a meth lab out of her basement.
Dr. Foreman: She's a kindergarten teacher.
Dr. House: And if I were a kindergarten student, I would trust her implicitly.
Dr. Foreman: I should sue you.
Dr. House: I'm pretty sure you can't sue somebody for wrongful hiring.
Dr. Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? (admiringly) Nice . . .
(Foreman smelling the floor)
Child: Why are you smelling Vinny's pants?
Dr. Foreman: I'm not.
Child: Looked like you were.
Dr. Foreman: I was smelling the floor.
Dr. Cuddy: And nobody knows anything, huh? Then how is it you always think you're right.
House: I don't, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Dr. Cuddy: Because I'm a doctor. Because when we make mistakes, people die.
Dr. House: People used to have more respect for cripples, you know! (man in wheelchair glares) Didn't, really.
Dr. House: Sure you want to discontinue treatment, boss?
Dr. Cuddy: You got lucky.
Dr. House: Cool, huh?
Rebecca Adler: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House?
Dr. Wilson: Well, you might run into him at the movies or on the bus.
Rebecca Adler: Is he a good man?
Dr. Wilson: He's a good doctor.
Rebecca Adler: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?
Dr. Wilson: Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else.
Rebecca Adler: (about House) He's your friend, huh?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah.
Rebecca Adler: Does he care about you?
Dr. Wilson: I think so.
Rebecca Adler: You don't know?
Dr. Wilson: As Dr. House likes to say, "Everybody lies."
Rebecca Adler: It's not what people say. It's what they do.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah. He cares about me.
Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What's up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.
Dr. House: There was plenty they could do...if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death.
Rebecca Adler: Did you think you were dying?
Dr. House: I hoped I was dying.
Dr. House: I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
Dr. Cameron: It's hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect me.
Dr. Cameron: Was that rhetorical?
House: No. Just seems that way because you can't think of an answer.
Dr. Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House: I can’t believe that that would shock you. It’s also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It’s like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.