This episode very specifically opens with "The opening scene of tonight's episode contains a depiction of a sexual encounter. Parental discretion is advised." Despite the warning, in the repeat the scene is edited from the original editing.

Dr. House: Why do you want me to treat this guy?
Dr. Wilson: Blood pressure's not responding to IV fluid...
Dr. House: No, no. I didn't ask how you planned to con me into treating him. I asked you why you want me to treat him.
Dr. Wilson: He's sick, I care, I'm pathetic.
Dr. House: There are a billion sick people on the planet. Why this one?
Dr. Wilson: Because this one's in our emergency room.
Dr. House: Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If someone was sick in the third floor stairwell that's him we'd be talking about.
Dr. Wilson: Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear

Dr. House: What's wrong with her?
Dr. Cameron: Him.
Dr. House: Him, her. Does it matter? Does anyone think it's a testicular problem?

Dr. House: So how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home...
Dr. Cuddy: (looks at his leg) No you couldn't.
Dr. House: Nice...

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? (everyone stares) And...who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? (everyone raises their hands) Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

Jodi Matthews: You're not a very nice doctor, are you?
Dr. House: And you are very bad at whatever it is you do.

Dr. Foreman: Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
Dr. House: And you think one is simpler then two?
Dr. Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
Dr. House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchanged fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Dr. Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. House: (To Cuddy) You once asked me why I think I'm always right. And I realized you're right. At least I think you're right - I don't really know now, do I?

Dr. Chase: (Referring to Cameron) weird, isn't she?
Dr. Foreman: Bad idea.
Dr. Chase: What?
Dr. Foreman: Bad idea. You work with her.
Dr. Chase: What'd I say? Is "weird" some new ghetto euphemism for "sexy"? Like "bad" is "good and "phat" is "good"? Then what the hell does "good" mean?
Dr. Foreman: "Ghetto euphemism"? You don't think she's hot?
Dr. Chase: No.
Dr. Foreman: Then you're brilliant. And I am using "brilliant" as a euphemism.

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen.

Dr. Foreman: You visited a patient?
Dr. House: I was sitting by his bed all morning. Just so he'd know someone was there for him.
Dr. Wilson: I looked in on him.

Dr. Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain

Dr. House: If I'd said to Foreman, "Nice try, it was a great guess, but sorry, not this time," what do you think he'd be doing right now?
Dr. Wilson: I think he'd be going home not feeling like a piece of crap.
Dr. House: Exactly.
Dr. Wilson: You want him to feel like a piece of crap?
Dr. House: No - I don't want him going home.

Dr. Foreman: What's wrong with her?
Dr. House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything.

Dr. Cuddy: Working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
Dr. House: When did I sign up for that course?
Dr. Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care?
Dr. House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.

Dr. Foreman: You want to bet on the patient's health?
Dr. House: You think that's bad luck? You think that God will smite him because of our insensitivity? Look, if God does, you make a quick fifty.

Dr. Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Chase: But we don't have to talk about this.
Dr. Cameron: Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulse from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland. And the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly, and it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. (Chase stares) Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know women can have an hour-long orgasm?

Dr. Cuddy: (to House) It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart--you are already miserable.

Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is in fact a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20' between love and hate.

Dr. Wilson: You will lie, cheat and steal to get what you want, but you're incapable of kissing a little ass?
Dr. House: Well, we all have our limitations.

Dr. House: Occam's Razor--the simplest explanation is almost always that somebody screwed up.

Robert Merrell: How can you treat someone without meeting him?
Dr. House: It's easy if you don't give a crap about him.

Dr. House: (Very friendly) C'mon, nobody's going to be mad. I just want to know who tried to kill the kid

Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. House: And triteness kicks us in the nuts.
Dr. Wilson: So true...

Dr. House: This doesn't bother you?
Dr. Wilson: That you were wrong? I try to work through the pain.
Dr. House: I was not wrong. Everything I said was true. It fit. It was elegant.
Dr. Wilson: So reality was wrong?
Dr. House: Reality is almost always wrong.

House: I'm doing good too. I get to knock off an hour early today? Know why? Because I kissed my boss's ass? You ever do that? I think she just said "Yes" because she wants to reinforce that behavior--wants me to kiss a lot of other people's ass. Like she wants me to kiss yours. What would you want--a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

Dr. Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
Dr. House: Okay, let's leave it a couple of weeks - he should be feeling better by then. Oh wait - which way does time go?

House: Make a note: I should never doubt myself.
Dr. Wilson: I think you'll remember. You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to be wrong now and again.
House: What? You don't care about these people?

The game House has for his Gameboy Advance SP is Metroid: Zero Mission. The problem is that the sound effects for the game are wrong ones.

Episode Title: Occam's Razor


The term Occam's Razor refers to a philosophical and logical dictum that, when faced with multiple possible answers/choices fitting a given set of data, the one which is least complex or highest in probability is the likely correct answer/choice.