Dr. House: We are condemned to useless labor...
Dr. Wilson: Fourth circle of Hell. Charting goes a lot faster when you eliminate all classic poetry.
Dr. House: Writing down what we already know to be read by nobody. Pretty sure Dante would agree that qualifies as useless.
Dr. Wilson: You're over two weeks behind in your charting.
Dr. Cuddy: What are you, eight?
Dr. House: Could an eight-year-old do this? (makes a face)
Dr. Cuddy: Better stop it or it'll stick that way.
Dr. House: I've been a doctor for years – why do I have to keep assuring people that I know what I'm doing?
Sister Eucharist: Doctor? I want to thank you for your patience.
Dr. Wilson: She talking to you?
Dr. House: I don't know. She's certainly looking at me.
Sister Eucharist: The sisters tend to interpret their illnesses as divine intervention.
Dr. House: And you don't? Then you're wearing an awfully funny hat.
Dr. House: What the hell are those?
Dr. Cameron: Candy canes.
Dr. House: Candy canes? Are you mocking me.
Dr. Cameron: No. It's, it's Christmas, and I, I, I thought...
Dr. ]House: Relax – it's a joke.
Dr. Chase: I hate nuns.
Dr. House: Who doesn't?
Dr. House: I also recognize that I am human and capable of error.
Dr. Wilson: So you might have screwed this up?
Dr. House: No.
Dr. Wilson: So it's merely a theoretical capacity for error?
Dr. House: Good point. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that's my error.
Dr. House: (sarcastically admitting to giving the nun the wrong dosage of epinephrine) So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, take the first syringe I could find...
Dr. House: I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn then you are.
Sister Eucharist: (The hypochondriac nun) tends to believe in things that aren't real.
Dr. House: I thought that was a job description for you people.
Dr. House: What do you know about the nun?
Dr. Chase: Which one?
Dr. House: The cute one. I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.
Dr. House: And the old nun thinks the sick nun is a big fat nun liar.
Dr. House: You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.
Dr. Chase: Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.
Dr. House: I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask.
Mother Superior: Ah. And have you been speaking to Sister Eucharist?
Dr. House: She ratted out her fellow sister pretty quickly.
Mother Superior: Oh.
Dr. House: If I were you, I'd have her repeat a year of nun school.
Dr. House: I had to open her blouse to do CPR, and I learned two things. Nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder. Of a skunk. Now, maybe it's the sacred skunk of Joseph...
Dr. Wilson: Sixth circle of Hell?
Dr. House: Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are soggy.
Dr. Wilson: I think that's the Seventh.
Dr. House: Nope. The Seventh . . .
Dr. Wilson: God, you must be fun at parties.
Dr. House: I think we both know the flaw in that theory.
Dr. House: You know how it is with nuns. You take out their IUDs, they just bounce right back.
Dr. Wilson: You wanna come over for Christmas dinner?
Dr. House: You're Jewish.
Dr. Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care--it's food, it's people.