Frank: Merry Christmas, bitches!
Dee: What is your problem, Frank? Why do you do this to us every year?
Frank: I do it to you every year, Deandra, because you and your brother never learn the lesson that I try to impart at Christmastime.
Dee: Oh, my God.
Frank: And that is, you have to earn what you get. This principle made me a multi-millionaire.
Dee: No. No, stealing millions of dollars from your ex-business partner is what made you a millionaire, Frank.
Frank: Eugene Hamilton was a great man. Do not speak ill of the dead.
Dennis: She's speaking ill of you!
Mac: Oh, check this out, dude. Look at that.
Charlie: Why do you have a karate trophy?
Mac: I found that in the street, one time.
Charlie: Oh, that makes sense.
(after watching a video of Mac's Christmas morning as a kid)
Charlie: Dude, what wa- What was that? What happened, right there?
Charlie: What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
Mac: That was probably the next family coming in to get their presents.
Charlie: What are -- What are you talking about? What was happening there?
Mac: That was the Christmas tradition, where you go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family comes, you would run.
Charlie: I am not aware of this tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you were just stealing from that home.
Mac: Oh, no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house when I got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.
Charlie: No. Mm-mm. That makes no -- People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
Mac: You're telling me that Christmas morning, you would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
Charlie: No! No one does that!
Mac: Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition.
Charlie: And your dad is, like, a thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.
(after a young Dennis and Dee open a large present)
Young Dennis: There's nothing in there.
Frank: Fake out! There's nothing in any of them. Now go wake up your pill-head mother.
Dennis: All right, Frank, here's the plan: we're gonna hide you somewhere in the office so you can hear people talking shit about you, all right?
Frank: Oh, that's cool. Oh, I see where you going with this now. Sew me into the couch.
Dennis: Sew you into the couch? What are you saying?
Frank: Yeah. That's what I do at home all the time. Hide in the couch. It's a great hiding place. I catch Charlie pounding off all the time!
Dennis: "Pounding off"? Where do you get these terms?
Dee: Why do you want to catch Charlie masturbating? No! I don't care! No!
(a silent Charlie stalks up to a mall Santa)
Mall Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ho. Well, hello, and Merry Christmas! (looking around) So, where's your little one?
(Charlie slumps down in Santa's lap)
Mall Santa Oh! Ho, ho, ho, ho! You're a big boy, aren't ya? (laughs) Uh... (to Mac) Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one. (to Charlie) So, son, what would like for Christmas, huh?
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom?
Mall Santa: What?
Charlie: Did you fuck... my... mom?
Mall Santa: Whaddaya mean? I, uh...
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom?! Did you fuck my mom, Santa?!
(Charlie bites the mall Santa's neck)
Charlie: Hey, Mac. Now, I know things weren't pretty at the mall, but we have a chance to save Christmas here, dude. And check it out: we can still get into the Christmas spirit if we just bring that shirt I bought over to Ricky Falcone.
Mac: The shirt. Is this the shirt that you're referring to?
Mac: It's covered in blood, Charlie! Santa's blood, you goddamn lunatic!
(everyone comes to the hospital after hearing that Frank died)
Dee: What the hell is this?
Frank: Well, I knew you guys would never come to see me, so I faked my own death.
Charlie: Really should have seen that one coming, right?
Charlie: Why did the elf have no pants on?
Frank: I didn't say the elf have no pants on.
Charlie: Oh. I might'a... added something to my brain there at the end. I've had a very strange day.
(Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Charlie go off to give each other the Christmas spirit)
Frank: What about me?
Dennis: Oh, you go fuck yourself in your fat fucking ass.
Eugene: But in the spirit of Christmas reparations, I have a... little present for you, Frank.
Frank: Oh! You didn't have to do that, Eugene.
(Eugene pulls a gun on Frank)
Frank: A gun! I love guns! I got a gun of my own!
Eugene: Shut up!