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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

Dennis and Dee are fed up with their father taking over the bar and leave the business to go and pursue their dream careers. In order to buy more time, they decide to go on welfare but accidentally become crack addicts in the process. Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie try to fill the void that Dennis and Dee left. They take advantage of the work-for-welfare program so that they won't have to pay their new employees.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 2x3
Production Number: IP02004
Airdate: Thursday July 06th, 2006
Network: FX

Alternate Airdates:

NL (Comedy Central) Jul 27, 2009

Guest Stars
Aisha HindsAisha Hinds
As Caseworker

Co-Guest Stars
Keith BullardKeith Bullard
As Drug Dealer
Zoe BournelisZoe Bournelis
As Hooker #1
Rachel PlattRachel Platt
As Hooker #2
Main Cast
Charlie DayCharlie Day
As Charlie Kelly
Glenn HowertonGlenn Howerton
As Dennis Reynolds
Kaitlin OlsonKaitlin Olson
As Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds
Danny DeVitoDanny DeVito
As Frank Reynolds
ArtistSong TitlePlayed When
Biz MarkieJust a FriendDennis and Dee sit on the stoop getting drunk

Episode Quotes
Dee: Well, I guess I could use this time to get my acting career off the ground.
Dennis: And I fully support you.
Dee: You do?
Dennis: Absolute—look, the old Dennis would have said, "Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It's pathetic." But the new Dennis says that it's not my place to kill your pipe dreams!

(Dennis and Dee sit outside getting drunk)
Mac: Is that a new watch, dude?
Dennis: It is. It's awesome. Check it out.
Dee: Ooh, and I got a Jesus chain.
Dennis: It's good. Look at it.
Mac: All right. Look, guys, we want you to come back to the bar, OK?
Dennis: Why in the hell would we do that?
Dee: You're not even listening to me. Did you see my Jesus chain?

Mac: I have been doing a little research that will change our lives forever. Turns out there's a little program called work for welfare, in which businesses hire potential welfare recipients. The government subsidizes their wage, and the IRS affords thousands of dollars in tax relief!
(Charlie continues to stare attentively at Mac, not realizing he's finished)
Charlie: (startled) Oh, I don't know what you're saying. Do—is that a question? I d—I don't understand. What's going on?

Charlie: What do you think, Frank?
Frank: I'm good. Go get us some slaves.

Mac: (pointing to a black man) What about that one? He seems strong. Look at those massive thighs.
Charlie: Yeah, those are good thighs, yeah, but y—you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.
Mac: That's what I'm talking about, dude. You can't be saying things like that.
Charlie: No, dude. I'm not saying that 'cause he's black. I'm s—he's asleep in his chair.

Mac: (pointing to a fat white guy) What about that one?
Charlie: Don't just do that.
Mac: Well, come on. Why not?
Charlie: I knew you were gonna do that. 'Cause—why are you going to him? That's like reverse affirmative action, dude. You don't wanna do that. You could cheat yourself out of a good slave here, man.
Mac: Well, how do you know he's not gonna be a good slave, Charlie?
Charlie: C—come on. Look at that.

Charlie: Let's all recognize that this is a little awkward situation between friends at the welfare store, and let's go our separate ways, OK?

Dennis: Dee, your bicycle helmet.
Dee: (puts it on) Later, boners.
(Dennis and Dee walk away)
Charlie: (to Mac) That is an awesome helmet.

Dennis: (to the caseworker) Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Caseworker: We're gonna need a physician's report to confirm your sister's mental illness and your blood work to confirm your ... crack addiction.
Dennis: Well, can't you see how retarded she is?

Drug Dealer: What you need?
Dennis: Uh, one, please.
Drug Dealer: One what?
Dennis: Uh, one rock of crack.
Dee: One crack.
Dennis: A crack rock. (to Dee) Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? (to the dealer) See, I—I don't...
Dee: Um, h—how much would you recommend for a first-time user?

Dee: (waking up) It's four o'clock.
Dennis: (shivering) I'm freezing and I'm sweating, all at once.
Dee: I think I may have peed in my pants.
Dennis: (looks at his watch) We missed our doctor's appointment.
Dee: Well, only by an hour. If we hurry, maybe they'll still see us.
Dennis: It was yesterday. We missed our appointment by an hour and a day.
Dee: We slept through a whole day?

(Dennis and Dee sit outside against a building)
Dee: When you become a veterinarian, will you buy me head shots, please?
Dennis: (yelling at a dog) Hey, hey, get outta here, you piece of shit! (to Dee) Yeah, I'll buy you stuff. I'll buy you lots of things. I'm definitely gonna buy a bunch of crack.

Frank: There are gonna be some changes made. All right, first of all, you two, from now on, are gonna do all of Charlie's work. (Dennis and Dee protest) Stop! Charlie, you got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's—that's fantastic! That's why I did it, too, Frank! I stole lots of your money. What do I get?
Frank: You get dick because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee: But ... how come Charlie—no fair. How come Charlie—
Dennis: No, why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.

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