Dennis: (about MySpace) You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves, and they wanna be your friend.
Mac: Oh. So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at eight o’clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.
Dennis: Dee, this guy can't be our dad. That's ridiculous!
Dee: Is it? Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes, black hair, and being four-foot-ten?
(Dennis, Dee, Frank, and Barbara meet in a restaurant)
Barbara: I am not getting pulled in to any sort of perverted sex talk.
Dennis: It's not perverted!
Frank: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis.
Dennis: (yelling) I am not banging my sister!
(the entire restaurant goes silent)
Frank: Barbara. Your turkey neck is looking exceptionally attractive this evening.
Barbara: You have turned into a retarded person.
Frank: You're a retard.
Mac: Frank, what's going on here? What happened?
Frank: I had a minor stroke. No big deal.
Charlie: What's with the gun, dude?
Frank: I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.
Charlie: What, by doing MySpace?
Frank: Yeah, and I did everything they said to do. I put a picture, a profile. The thing won't tell me where the bastard lives.
Charlie: Did you send him a friend request?
Frank: I don't wanna be his friend. I wanna shoot him in the face.
Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison, right?
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Mac: Right. This is our chance to get hard!
Charlie: OK, OK, I just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is! This is totally hard! Look, you wanna get hard, don't you?
Charlie: Oh, I wanna get hard. I wanna get very, very hard.
Mac: All right! Do you wanna shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't wanna shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Great, this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses!
Frank: (about MySpace) I got no friends!
Charlie: Stop saying that. You have friends.
Frank: Right, I got you, I got this guy Tom, and that crazy woman who claims we had a one-night stand thirty years ago.
Charlie: Right, yeah. Tom doesn't really count, though. He kind of, like, comes with it.
Mac's Dad: You come to me empty-handed, and you want my help?
Mac: Yeah, and look, we are really, really sorry about that, Dad, but if you could give us some advice on how to handle a certain situation, then we promise we will come back with our butts filled.
Charlie: Oh, so filled. So filled for you.
Charlie: Mac, I got one question for you.
Charlie: What's the plan again?
Mac: Are you kidding me? I swear, Charlie. You're like a retard. What we're gonna do is we're gonna bash him with the bat when he comes out!
Charlie: All right, you wanna huff some of this glue with me?
Mac: No! Put the glue away!
Charlie: Pl—huff a little with me, dude.
Mac: All right, fine.
Charlie: We just need to keep an edge. (Mac breathes into the bag) We gotta stay hard, dude, because we can't do—
Mac: It's—this is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!
Dee: (to Barbara) We had the best time last night.
Dennis: Bruce is the coolest. We went to this Lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome!
Barbara: Well, I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.
Dee: I was trying to be encouraging.
Barbara: Well, what if he doesn't get better? You're gonna look like a fool.
Dennis: Mom, I gotta say I agree with Dee. I mean, the kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?
Boy: I can hear you.